Remember Grace

Reflection and Hope

This year started off with my believing I knew who my future husband was. You could not have convinced me that I was wrong, and I had so many plans that I believed would be carried out in "God's timing", or more accurately, in my preferred timeline. Fast forward to the end of the summer and I not only realized that I had been wrong, but that I no longer was sure when I was hearing God's voice and when my own or the enemy's was chiming in with their twisted ideas and plans. The last few months have been a reminder of how foolish I was, considering that last fall was the time I thought I had heard from God. One year later, I am reminded of how I had spent the entire month of December dreaming about how I thought my relationship with this guy would be like and how wonderful I would feeling being pursued and feeling cherished. I'm reminding of how elated I was at finally knowing who my who I was to marry. I was enthralled at the idea of being done with crushes and infatuations-- finally I could say yes to the one God had created me to be with forever and always. Everyone knows what it is like to be embarrassed by one's faults, and those who have to keep themselves humble lest pride take ahold of them knows how I feel to look back at that.

Even so, we were not meant to stay down, tied down to yesterday's doubts, mistakes, and shortcomings. As God's children, we were meant to be more than overcomers!

This time last year I would have drowned my regrets and embarrassment with songs about unrequited love and disappointments. This would be embarrassing to admit if I didn't know that way too many girls do this. There is more to life than what we do wrong, than our sins. I'm not saying we do not have faults or that we are not in need of a Savior, but I am saying that because Jesus came, we have hope and Grace- hope that something better awaits us than what we have here on earth, and the Grace to live victoriously and free from the bondage of regret that tries to keep us locked up in yesterday, or last year, or decades ago.

We serve a faithful, patient and understanding God. I do not fully understand why He has us wait so long for what he promises us, and it hurts me more than I can describe. I like to know the purpose of things, processes,words, etc, are, and when I do not, or when I know that it could be explained to me but it will not be, I feel as if I am purposefully and wrongfully being kept in the dark as punishment. But that is not who God is. Revenge is his, as it says in His word, but he is still loving, merciful, and forbearing. He does not count our sin against us, but if we have asked for forgiveness, He casts them as far away from Himself as the east is from the west.

I do not fully understand, and that does not make me smile; not like is should (pride: I feel as if I need to earn every good thing in my life). But God is not hateful and he does not play games. He has the very best in plan for His children, and His Word is faithful healing, and Life. I do not know what you are looking back on this year, but let me encourage you with this: whether good, bad, or a mixture of both, it is in the past. God was with You with then, He is with you now, and he will be with You tomorrow and, Lord willing, in this year to come. Do not doubt His goodness no matter how it feels or looks because He is doing great things for those whom He loves. And do not refrain from encouraging one another, because we can all use it even when it does not appear that we do. It is never wrong to give a word in due season :)

I may not know you, but I love you; God knows you intricately and He loves you more!

Christmas Break Goal Day 3- Facing the Giants

Today I watched Facing the Giants, and by the end I had joyful tears in my eyes,

I have seen this movie several times, but by allowing myself to really take in what it meant for both Grant, his wife, and the school body that he was a part of come from years of defeat (as a whole as well as personally) to the times of triumph and victory, I was blessed with a visual of God’s faithfulness to His children.

What stuck out to me the most was the scene where a man came to the coach and read Revelation 3:8 to him: “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me.” He then proceeded to tell Grant that God would come through for those who prepared for God’s provision. In other words, it is one thing to ask God for the needed finances, food, or any kind of provision, and an altogether another thing to live as if one believes God will come through. To not speak negatively about what we are trusting Him for, to wait with expectation and hope. I can’t tell you how many times God had God has given me Scriptures about hope and waiting on Him with patience. SOmetimes this requires us to be still and know that He is God, faithful and trustworthy. But I am learning that most of the time it means to live this out. It does not always feel good, it may make us look and sound dumb, but from what God’s Word tells us, and from what I am learning, it is well worth the humiliation and heartache to persevere with a joyful, thankful heart.

I have a few Scriptures I would like to share with you, but I do not want to overwhelm you with words that may not mean anything right now. So instead, I will leave you with the some practical advice that the Holy Spirit has been constantly reminding me of lately: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7 :)

He is beyond faithful!

Christmas Break Goal Day 2- Veggietales, MacLarry and the Stinky Cheese Battle

I was trying too hard to get something out of this one. It wasn't until I relaxed and enjoyed it that an exchange between MacLarry and the Roman emperor caught my attention. MacLarry had spent his entire life living in the shadow of his father, Chog Norrius, always told that he needed to be like all of the other Baber-barians who spent their time pranking their rivals, the Romans. Although MacLarry was a great little inventor, he was horrible at pranking, so he eventually went to find someone who would appreciate him for who he was. In the middle of this episode, MacLarry had a conversation with the emperor of Rome, who told him that people like to be made to feel special. Although Larry later finds out that he was being tricked by this emperor, at that particular time he was able to hear the words he always wanted to hear from his father.

Who doesn't want to feel special, to know that, just as they are, they are accepted and valuable? I think about how, earlier, I asked my brother to sign a picture that he had given to me. I asked him for his autograph since it was his artwork, and without intention I caught a look of joy on his face at the opportunity to sign his work. In that moment he felt special, without having to ask or put forth extra effort just to be noticed.

Just like Chog Norris had the power to build-up or tear down his son, so do we have the same power. I know I personally do not take all of the chances I have had to build up the people in my life, and I regret that. But thankfully, by God’s grace, I have the chance everyday to encourage others.

On another related, and shorter, note, I want to encourage those who are like me: Every time you hear a compliment, you cringe and have the insatiable desire to run away screaming and hide under a rock. I understand. Stop it. I know that it’s awkward, you may not be used to it, you’re afraid your pride will become inflated and you’ll plummet out of the heavens to your death… but chill out. God says so many beautiful, positive, and encouraging things to His children in His Word, and most of the time we do not even deserve it. But if our Father speaks over us such loving truth, then I believe He intended for us to do the same for others… and others for us. I know it may not be easy, but I know from experience that if you ask, He will help you to receive verbal affirmation with joy and peace :)

Christmas Break Goal Day 1- Veggietales, The Little House That Stood

This is a Veggietales week; I decided that after a few days of pushing to get everything done early (i.e. three take home exams), and with a few more school-related details to finish up, I needed to start off easy.

This is one of my favorite Veggietales to-date because of the humor and, obviously, the message. The Little House That Stood  has two fairy tale-twists to the parables of the Wise and Foolish Builders (Matthew 7:24-27) and the Good Samaritan (Matthew 5:25-37). My favorite part is normally the first one, but because I was watching with my brothers (one of which was doing the dishes while the other was on his cellphone… like me) it was hard to pay close attention to what was going on. Surprisingly, what caught my attention this time around was the Humpty-Dumpty’s attitude in “The Good Egg of Gooseville”. He was so determined to fix his cracking shell and go on a vacation that he overlooked the needs of others, even to the extent of pushing away the little bear who wanted to help him help others. Children have such an innocent and simple outlook on life, and I wonder how many times I decide life is too complicated, hard, and rough that I don’t need to do what I know is right, no matter that cost I will pay.

Honestly, I see myself as a very selfless person— just recently I  was telling a friend how I wanted to have someone care for me the way I do for others. I know this is a normal desire, and I do not believe it is sinful. Even so, I am also aware that I will not get very far if I walk around with the mindset of, “Why don’t you serve me for a change!” Would it be nice to have someone plan their time around me, go out fo their way to be there for me when I need them, and take the time to listen to my list of complaints like Humpty did in the fairytale parable? Of course. But is life really about what people can do for me, or even what I can do for them? No. It is about honoring and loving God, others, and ourselves. Quite often this will neither look nor feel the way we want it to, but that’s alright because at the end of the day it is always worth it. I am learning (ever learning) to balance giving my time to others, to God, and to myself. I am not sure I will ever get it fully right while I’m here, but just like Humpty learned the beauty of caring for others and accepting the care of others to be a worthwhile adventure, I’m not doubtful that I will find the same to be true for me. And I hope that you come to find the same to be true for yourself.

Christmas Break Goal :)

With Christmas break impending, I was concerned that I would get bored. One of my favorite things to do while relaxing is to watch and analyze movies, whether out loud with others or with just me and Jesus. In an attempt to ward off discontentment, I set out to gather some movies that I could spread out over my four week break and watch in my colossal amount of spare time; I ended up with a total of 21 DVDs that I wanted to watch, 17 of which I currently having, and four of which are on the way :) What's more, I was recently able to by one of favorite shirt series, called The Stranger, so along with 5-6 DVDs/week, I plan on watching 1-2 episodes of this show per week.
I know, I sound like a girl who has way too much time on her hands, and that would be an accurate description from where I'm standing, but as I was sitting and watching today's DVD, I thought about how much I have learned from the movies I have seen, and how much I relearn from those same movies. Since I enjoy finding deep meaning in everyday happenings, I have decided to share with you what I learned from what I watch. I know many won't care, but these Blog posts will be both for myself and also for whoever is meant to read them :D
And so, without further ado..

Sweet Victory

My first year in college, I was the secretary of the Freshman Student Government. During my time in this position, I never really felt like I had a huge job, but I knew I was important: I took notes and helped people (myself included) remember what they were supposed to do. The last thing we as a the Freshman team had was put together was a picnic for a student body in the spring. The process of accomplishing this was not fun. Although great ideas were put on the table, and many were carried out, from my vantage point it did not seem as if this feat would go to well. I felt as if we were mostly on our own and little good could come from all the effort and time we were putting into this project we had to carry out. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, after the food had been eaten, the music had been played, and the guests were leaving, my team and I were astonished at how well everything had turned out.

About a month ago I was talking to my friend with whom I had been on the Freshman Student Government. I told them something I  had thought to myself but never would have imagined saying out loud before: “I felt like we had conquered the world that day.” The reason why I never would have said this before was because I had heard this phrase in many songs, and quite frankly I believed it was one of the cockiest, most ignorant phrases I had ever heard. No one will conquer this world except Jesus, when He comes to reign over it (Revelation 20). With this in mind, I could not explain how I felt other than with that ridiculous phrase, because thinking back, I have no idea how what we pulled off could have excelled with all of the opposition we faced.

I say all of this because this morning as I was spending time with God (trying to anyway; I haven’t been so distracted in a while) I felt God leading me to worship Him with a song that wasn’t about me. A lot of worship songs talk about how we will glorify God, we will lift Him high, and the like. I do not believe there is anything wrong with this, but He and I knew I needed to get my eyes off of me for a bit. I looked for and found “For the Cross” by Bethel Music on my iPod and I began worshipping along with the track. When it got to the part where Jenn Johnson sings, I stopped and listened. All of the sudden my mind went back to that conversation I had with my friend and I got so excited!

Jesus came to this earth as nothing in man’s eyes. His father was a carpenter, and his mother was someone people probably assumed cheated on his dad. He did go on to gather a large group of followers and managed to tick off the influential leaders of his time, but from man’s point of view he did not have much going for him. Those who really did believe in Him had little that they could offer him as far as help and support, and in the end he died a death he didn’t even deserve. All the work he put forth to bring people to himself, all the time he spend praying, all the breath he spent on seeking Truth, life and Wisdom for what? In the end his life was spilt on the ground as he hung on that cross. Or so it would seem, from man’s point of view.

“I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades,” Jesus tells us (Revelation 1:18b). Can you imagine, after all he had been through, how Jesus felt coming up from the dead and rising from the grave? One can only imagine that he felt like he had conquered the world in that moment. And although this place we live in  is corrupted and full of evil and deteriorating as we speak, Jesus told his disciples and us, “ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33). He has actually overcome it, and we will see him reign in all his glory one day.

I am in no way comparing a picnic for a few hundred students to the conquering of the world that lies within the hands of Jesus Christ, but without meaning to, I might have had a glimpse of what it felt like for the Lover of my soul to rise after all he went through for me, for us. He really deserve all glory, honor and praise, more than we can fully comprehend :)

For the Cross- Brian Johnson, Jenn Johnson, Bethel Music

Adventure

Adventure. I have been longing for an adventure for so long. Not just a random break in the day-to-day life, but a full-fledge ADVENTURE.

I was watching The Hobbit earlier today, and a theme of the movie that stuck out to me more than usual was the risk Bilbo was willing to take when he decided to follow the Dwarves and Gandalf on the journey to win the Dwarves’ home back. He knew that by going on this adventure he would never return the same… if indeed he ever did return.

 

I really do believe that’s the kind of life Christ calls us all on. Not that we were all meant to travel pony-back through various terrains and fight of disgusting creatures in order to win back the home of our new-found friends. I believe the life God calls His children to live is risk-taking, work-filled, sacrifice-contained life that benefits more than our own vacillating emotions. He calls us to put away our mother’s doilies, leave behind our home-in-a-hole, and join Him in sacrificing our comfort for the “life and life more abundantly” that we were meant to live here and now (John 10:10).

 

Here and now I am staring at this Word document, wondering who I am to talk about living an adventurous life. All I know of adventure is what I have currently watched in the movies The Hobbit and Esther: The Girl Who Became Queen as well as a book Take Four by Karen Kingsbury. I still desire exciting escapades, but I have to ask myself if I would be willing to embark on one if Jesus were to knock on my bedroom door and ask me to do so, letting me know that the journey will be life-threatening and I will not return the same. Would I say yes? I would like to think I would. I would like to think I would be willing to leave behind those things in which I take most comfort and be willing to rely on Him and those He has placed in my life to lean on.

 

 

Then again, He has asked me to go on an adventure with Him. Granted, my life does not look the way I would have mapped it out to, but what real adventure does? I know there are those who think that I should do things differently, but then I have to laugh as I recall the looks of disapproval Bilbo got when he went running out of the Shire after the Gandalf and the Dwarves. I never expected God to call me to spend my summers spending extended time with Him, hanging out with my brothers, and volunteering at church; it is not the life He seems to have called my friends and other family members to. Then again, not one of us has exactly the same outline for our lives, letter to letter. We may experience comparable circumstances, know the similar kinds of heartache, and find relatable joys, but each of our journeys will lead us to different callings and seasons. Frodo did not go on the exact same journey as Bilbo, and although both Peter and Paul were called to share the Gospel, Peter was appointed to the Jews while Paul was sent as a missionary to the Gentiles (Galatians 2:7-8). Every step may not look as we thought or wished it would, but with God by our side and our eyes ever seeking Him, life is bound to be quite the adventure.

Weak and Strong

I am getting to the point where I don't even want to read God's Word because I have become aware of something I haven't taken into account until recently. I am weak and I need God's Grace for everything. I mean everything. Okay, some things are common sense. Others, He gives options; we aren't robots, so either-or-type choices will not detrimentally affect anyone. But there are situations where I need Him, but I look around and everyone else seems to function in these areas with ease. Granted, most are not honest about their weaknesses, but that fact does nothing for me when I am struggling, when I am having to constantly ask for help. I wonder, "What's the point of declaring God's Truth over my life when I obviously fail so often in this area?" I feel like a child trying to play grown up, a young adult failing at the "adult" part.

"Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

This verse has two components, and the Holy Spirit has made it clear to me that I can look at them through my weakness or through God's strength.

Through my weakness: God's grace is all I need and His power works best in weakness. Really? Well, that would be okay if it weren't for the fact that when I am weak, I tend to mess up, and messing up produces consequences. Of course, the whole point is for me to rely on His Grace and not try to move in these weak moments on my own. But then I have to blindly trust that I am actually being led by God and not allow fear to make me choose to take over and... This is just a downward spiral waiting to take over. The second part of this verse is no better. I mean, of course I want God's power to work in my life! It sounds cool AND it will help me out. But boasting in my weaknesses!? If everyone else is going to be tight-lipped about their shortcomings, why do I need to open mine? Not only that, but how do I boast in my weaknesses without complaining and making it al about me?

Well, I am certainly feeling some form of depression after obsessing over myself. Now let's take a look at this verse through Christ's strength, through faith: "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” Well that's awesome, because that means I'm covered! No matter the situation, how I'm feeling, or who is in front of me, I will always have what I need to deal, God's Grace! When I am strong, I can ask for Wisdom and guidance. When I am not, I can rely on His Grace!

"So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." This is where I struggle to look at God's Words through faith; I'm still struggling with my grudge with humanity for their "lack" of weaknesses. But I cannot act based off of how everyone else acts. That would make people my god, and that is a scary thought. So to ensure that I allow Christ's Grace to work in my life, God wants me to be honest, no, to BOAST, in my weaknesses. To say, "I appreciate the compliment, but I actually did not know how to handle that. I just asked for God's Grace, Wisdom, whatever and spoke in faith." Or, "I understand how you feel. I use to/still do feel weak in that area as well. However, I am learning and getting better at letting God's Grace lead me, because without Him I completely fail." This sounds excruciatingly painful to me, but it also sounds like I am no longer alone in this. I have God's wonderful, ever-plenty Grace AND opportunities to let others know just how wonderful and ever-present God is to those who rely on Him.

I don't know about you,but after looking at this Scripture from both viewpoints, I'll keep working on leaning on His Grace. It saves me from a mind cramp, and it glorifies Him!

Wandering, Looking, Searching

It's a breath of fresh air when you find someone who understands where you are, if only in so many words. I have come across so many friends and acquaintances who have told me that they needed God's guidance, how they have needed Him to make Himself clear to them concerning different matters for each individual.

Guidance. God, why don't You simply spell it out for is? Will we not follow where You lead? Do we not trust and reverently fear You enough to obey, believing Your way and will is best? I heard a few times during this time that God wants us to seek Him, not answers. He wants us to dig deeper into His Word, praising Him and speaking Truth and not how we feel. How we feel does not dictate Who God is. Faithful. Sovereign. Good. Just. Love. How we feel is simply a reflection of where our thoughts. It's hard to hurt as much when I am laughing, filled with joyous thoughts of something good or silly. At the same time, it is hard to be filled with joy and hope when I am constantly looking at what I don't like, what I fear, what I am not sure of.

There's so much... And it doesn't help to know that it gets harder, more intricate. Life's always been intricate, I just have not cared to notice. Still, with all of my questions, wonderings, desires, dreams, I sense God speaking: Seek Me. Seek to know Me better. Seek to be filled, loved, and aware of Me in your day-to-day. But what about- Seek Me, Daughter. But I need to know- Me. Come to Me, let me love and yes, guide. Whether of not you see the direction you're headed. Follow Me.

Will we not follow where You lead? Do we not trust and reverently fear You enough to obey, believing Your way and will is best?

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. (Psalms 139:23, 24 NLT)

Waiting Game (Aren't Games Supposed to be Fun?)

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. (Philippians 4:6 NLT)

I cannot tell you how often I have read this verse, how often I have looked at it in despair and, at other times, read it out-loud with a boldness that was not my own.

Pray, rejoice, pray, rejoice. Wait.

I am a doer. I do not know how many people I have told this, nor how many times. Prayer: okay, that doesn't involve a lot of physical movement, but at least it's something. Praise? Ugh, a little harder, just as little physical-activity oriented, AND it requires me to act a way I do not feel. Over and over I ask God, "What do You want ME to do to change things? How can I move this story along? What have I done wrong that I need to repent for so that things can turn out as I had hoped that would." More often than not His response is always, "I will not give My glory to another." Translation: You are doing what you should be; keep following My lead and trust Me." I hear stories and see situations playing out in the lives of those I care about and in those I do not know as well and I sometimes want to get in a fist fight with God. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? WAIT!? YOU WANT ME/US/THEM TO WAIT!? AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ALL OF THIS!?" The only thing I hate more than struggling or feeling weak is seeing others struggle.

God's response: "Keep doing what You are doing. I will not give My glory to another."

I love that my tantrums don't phase Him.

In an effort to encourage anyone who is reading, knowing that the enemy will raise up his claws and try to screw all of us over the second he sees us putting our trust in our ever faithful Father, please know that you are NOT alone in this waiting game. I read somewhere that the bigger the mountain we climb, the better the view once we get to the top ;p

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6, 7 NLT)

Praise

I am in this beautiful place where I am able to appreciate praising God in the storm and the fortitude that provides me-- the strong, stable ground in Christ I have no later how I feel-- while simultaneously I able to thoroughly enjoy coming out on the other side and FEELING joy.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them. You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand — you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.” I have told all your people about your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as you, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness. 

(Psalms 40:1-10 NLT)

Time

I just finished reading Psalm 103, and verse 15 caught my attention: "Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers we bloom and die." I read that and think that we are ever closer to going home, and I rejoice. However, I sensed God's Spirit stopping me and reminding me of how I was taught to view such verses in Scripture. I was always told that since our lives pass so quickly, we should live in a way that honors Christ. Then a few minutes later I sensed God telling me, "Use the time you have now."

I do not know why this keeps coming up, but it has several times in the past couple days. I keep thinking how I will not be in this season of my life forever (which is completely different from the view I normally have, that my life seems to never really change). God has all of us where we are for many reasons, but I believe one of them is to help others. No matter the different places in life, everyone has something to contribute to someone else. I cannot speak on the beauty and hard work that accompanies marriage, but I can speak of the beauty and hard work that accompanies the single life of one who doesn't want to spend her days being self-absorbed. I cannot speak on the drudgery of working a nine to five job, but I can speak on doing what I believe God has called me to do in this season of life.

All of our lives have purpose, and part of everyone's purpose is to speak Truth and encouragement to others. Tell people about Christ, show them that being a son or dautghter of God is something to desire! Write blogs, make people laugh, offer wisdom to those who will listen, love even if it is inconvenient.

Wow... You'd think I was not twenty-one; I have always been one to rejoice at the fact that God can and will use my past for His glory. But I have never been much of a "live-in-the-moment" type of person. His Grace abounds!

Humble Encouragement

The realization struck me that one day I will not be single and girls may not take my words of encouragement as seriously because I will not longer be where they are. Of course, the exact opposite may be true, but while I am where I am, I will allow God to use me as He wills to.

I have come to see that there is such a longing for emotional fulfillment and we seek this out many ways. What woman does not want to know she is loved, cherished, beautiful, and wanted? Seriously, even the most surrounded, family-ed, friended woman has moments where she just wants to hear, feel, or see that she is as blessed with love as she is! As important as it is for us as humans to come along side each other and speak words of truth and affirmation to each other, we must also remember that our Heavenly Father Who can and will fulfill our deepest longings and needs. 

Why doesn't He just do so once and for all so that we never feel empty, lonely, etc.? I am not sure; maybe so that we never forget that it is HIM we need above all. Maybe because if we did not feel our need we would not appreciate how Whole and Beautiful He is. Again, I do not know. But just as He seeks after and pursues us, He wants us to pursue Him. So if that means taking the time to fall on our knees or give in to tears of longing as we approach Him, why allow pride and propriety to stop us? He sees, hears, and feels for us! He understands and cherishes beyond the capacity of any human being (no matter how wonderful!).

I also do not know why some of us struggle with this more than others. I can imagine a few in my life reading this and shaking their heads, baffled at how one girl can say so much about one subject. Again, I do not know; I did not create myself. I look at my heart and emotions and see a mess of blood and immaturity. Somehow, in His Sovereign way, God looks down and sees a beautiful creation, masterpiece. I see this now; most days I do not. I wish I didn't struggle seeing myself as such. But you know what! If I didn't struggle I would not have compassion on and understanding for those of you who feel the same way.

So, I want to encourage those reading to run to their Forever and Constant, letting Him know your deepest needs and desires. And, when others try to truly Nd selflessly love you, allow them. Do not put up a wall or front. God's Grace is sufficient, but He will not force it on you!

Do NOT Look at the Past

Don’t look at the past. Don’t look at the past. Do not look at the past.

“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.”

Isaiah 43:18 NIV

 

No matter how many times He told me this, how could I not look at the past, or what will be the past. Being an analyzer, it made perfect sense to me to analyze the possible scores of faults my future husband will have, particularly those of physical and emotional unfaithfulness to me. Crazy, maybe; but you tell me how many young men you know who are saving themselves for their future wife. Exactly; not so crazy.

What is crazy is knowing that you have not been squeaky clean your entire life, that you are not faultless, then to look at whoever and condemn them to hell for their sins. That, my friends, should be considered a certifiable act.

But, but, you’ve been forgiven. You’ve repented more times than you can count and God has told you on multiple occasions that He has forgiven and released and redeemed you. So then, all that is left to deal with are the scars and hurtful actions of others toward you, right? Wrong.

Because when Jesus died for your sins, He died for theirs too. Awkward.

You know what else is crazy? The fact that I have just realized that. I strive so much to be perfect because I HATE the thought of hurting people the way they have hurt me; but I am not perfect. Neither are they, those who have, will, and do hurt me. So…

I can keep looking at the past (or what will be the past—a slightly more ridiculous feat); or I can receive and dish back forgiveness, grace, release. It may not feel easy, but I am pretty sure it did not feel too easy for Jesus.

Also, just as badly as we want forgiveness for ourselves, others need that same forgiveness. Release. Grace.

Short and sweet this week :)

Thor and Promises (Mostly the Latter)

So many random thoughts:

My friends are such good people compared to me; maybe that's why God blesses them in ways He has not blessed me.

I am not sure whether to be as honest with God as I am with my future husband or if I should tone it down a notch for him; I am not sure any human being should go through the tirades I go through with God. I am almost sure God should not have to go through them either, yet He does.

I really want to watch the movie Thor right now, but when I get in this frazzled state of mind, the only reason I want to watch that movie is because he looks so good and I am so single. On a side note, when I'm married what will I have to scream at God about? Will the world end? I think so. I will one day have to approximate date of when Jesus will return guys; I'll keep you updated.

Yes, lots of thoughts, all related in one way or another, but I will not discuss that. I'm using self-control and discretion. Miracles are still happening, people.

Okay, I am told we are really starting here:

Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish. I will call a swift bird of prey from the east— a leader from a distant land to come and do my bidding. I have said what I would do, and I will do it.  Isaiah 46:10-11 NLT.

And so there is nothing to say in argument; I know ;)

"But what You promised has not come about yet; how much longer will I have to wait?

Everything I plan will come to pass.

"Why can't You bring it all about now?"

I do whatever I wish.

"Why do You place desires in my heart and promises in my mind only to hold off on their fulfillment?"

I have said what I would do, and I will do it.

They tell us to enjoy this part of life because when we get older we'll wish we had used it to do more good, to appreciate the resources and time we have now. Okay; I still want bigger and better. I still want a husband… most of the time. I still want California, a kitty, and a puppy. But I don't want to spend forever longing for something that I do not have, especially when, realistically, I have more than most. And, if we're determined to hold on to the mindset that things are not as good as they could be either, I'll repeat what I was told last night: For that girl who is stuck in childhood prostitution, for the boy who is being made to be a soldier and a murderer, and for the parents who really are not able to provide for their family, things could be better. And yet some of those in the worst situation find a way to praise God and trust Him through it all. I think if we all dig deep, we can do the same. He said His Grace is sufficient. Let's assume that it is true for the broken nail, the broken heart, and the broken arm.

Jack the Brave

Jack the Brave: blog post by Lacey Sturm

Wrestling

Something I thought more than usual about  this week is wrestling with God in prayer. I LOVE that portion of Scripture where Jacob wrestles the Angel. When the Angel tells him to let to because the sun is coming up (at which point I'm thinking, "Why are you concerned about the sun?" then I briefly think of Twilight, laugh, and turn my thoughts back to the story), Jacob stubbornly replies, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." (Genesis 32:26 NLT). I love that, mainly because that is something I would say; not that I could see myself wrestling an angel or God, but verbally I have had more than a few "wrestling" matches with Him, letting Him know that I expect more from Him than what I currently see. Initially, these were demands made from a hurting and selfish heart. Now-a-days, they are more so declarations of faith. "I know You have more in mind for me, God. So despite how I feel and how much I do not like this view, I am asking and trusting You for better." I no longer have the desire to go head to head with God with my normal complaints. Every day I come to better understand that He is fully aware what's going on in my life; therefore, there's no need to throw a hissy fit.

Another a part of this story that I love is the verse above the aforementioned one.

"When the man saw that he would not win the match, he touched Jacob’s hip and wrenched it out of its socket." (Genesis 32:25 NLT)

Even after Jacob was wounded, he didn't let go. He was going to fight until he got what God had promised him. Again, I'm not suggesting we turn into toddlers whenever things don't go our way, but I also don't believe when things get hard God wants us take matters sitting down. He wants us to bring our hearts to Him and lift up our concerns with thanksgiving and prayer (Philippians 4:6).

I love how honest I can be with God. I'm learning how to respect Him more and not just say whatever I feel without recalling With Whom I am speaking; I am learning honesty with Wisdom. I am also learning how to thank Him for His goodness when I do not feel particularly good. No matter what, He's still God; His Word stands strong underneath all kinds of pressure, awkward, and uncomfortable situations and people.

"Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish." (Isaiah 46:10 NLT)

Rest

Father, rest. I, we, need Your rest. Rest, Father. Why does it seem like the second one thing is placed into Your hands another falls into our own? Why does it seem like once we are able to release and be free that we are facing another challenge? This is tiring! This seems so hopeless. These are the things that make me afraid of the good times because I know another battle is just around the bend.

Oh, but Daddy, You are so beautiful and holy and sure. Help us to hold on to You and Who You are. I get so tired, but that does not take away from who You are. I hear it only gets worse, but I also hear that You are faithful. I see so much more terrain to cross, but I also see You are bigger than any amount of land and water as well as so much more powerful than any pain. And You Love us.

So, my friends, keep pursuing Him with me :)

Temptation: Grilled Cheese and Faithfulness

"Many things can hurt a man, but nothing hurts him worse than the woman he loves casting her thoughts and eyes towards another." Tricia Goyer, Praying for Your Future Husband

When I read this, several thoughts sauntered through my mind. One was, "Wow, who knew?" If you have read one my earlier posts about wanting to date around just to screw my future husband over, you'll understand my next thought: "I can be a real jerk." I also told myself , "I have a lot of power," and "I'm really glad I didn't follow through on my thoughts."

Something that freaked me out about that quote in relationship to my temporary scheme and plans was that I really was not sure how much such actions could affect a guy. I don't know if, looking back, a guy will say. "Well, that was in the past," or if he would take another route and respond with, "It hurts to know that you felt the need to give yourself away instead of waiting for me." I hear it goes both ways; I have my own conclusion, but the point of the matter is that what we do affects other people. I can only imagine that if my future man ever reads my blogs and I had actually gone through with the temptation to do my own thing until he and I meet up, the he wouldn't appreciate my course of action (or thought).

Temptation is rarely seen as something that affects others, and in the moment we are usually thinking about ourselves. Either we wonder what we can benefit from this or how it will hurt us. I am not trying to get deeply philosophical and say, "Every little action, thought, and word will affect others, so think 3 times before you eat that grilled cheese!!!" However, I am saying that the decisions we make about honorable and faithful behavior very much affects others. I assume eating that grilled cheese is not going to cause your kids to have a horrible childhood. I assume that the way a young man treats him mother now speaks volumes about how he will treat his future wife.

In conclusion... If you're not lactose intolerant, just eat the grilled cheese! Cheese is wonderful. But, think twice when your behavior can be concerned dishonorable because you and others will reap what you are sowing.

Isaiah 46 NLT

"Bel and Nebo, the gods of Babylon, bow as they are lowered to the ground. They are being hauled away on ox carts. The poor beasts stagger under the weight. Both the idols and their owners are bowed down. The gods cannot protect the people, and the people cannot protect the gods. They go off into captivity together. “Listen to me, descendants of Jacob, all you who remain in Israel. I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime— until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. “To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal? Some people pour out their silver and gold and hire a craftsman to make a god from it. Then they bow down and worship it! They carry it around on their shoulders, and when they set it down, it stays there. It can’t even move! And when someone prays to it, there is no answer. It can’t rescue anyone from trouble. “Do not forget this! Keep it in mind! Remember this, you guilty ones. Remember the things I have done in the past. For I alone am God! I am God, and there is none like me. Only I can tell you the future before it even happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish. I will call a swift bird of prey from the east— a leader from a distant land to come and do my bidding. I have said what I would do, and I will do it. “Listen to me, you stubborn people who are so far from doing right. For I am ready to set things right, not in the distant future, but right now! I am ready to save Jerusalem and show my glory to Israel."

Redeemable Poop

There are parts of my story that I look at and I ask God, "Are You serious? People are going to think I am crazy." Many lessons I have learned were born out of situations that I wish and have prayed that I could forget about. They are embarrassing, they are abnormal, and they are painful to recall. But you know how I know that I am meant to share them? You know what keeps me obeying (after the arguing, crying, and emotionally-drained surrender)? The memory of peace that I felt those times I did not wrestle with God. I recall when I felt most at peace and when I felt most unsettled, and the peace was always in the, "Okay, I trust You" and not in the "People are going to think I'm certifiable.”

I had a wonderful conversation today with a friend about purpose. We were both struggling with being bold when it came to putting ourselves out there and showing others God's love via whatever avenue He was calling us to work in. I found it weird that I could connect with her on this seeing as just last week I felt like I was doing great in this area. But you know what God kept whispering to me? "I am using your weakness to help her." Oh, what a scary thing, allowing God to take our crap, our stinky, old, painful flaws and use them to draw someone nearer to Him or to encourage them in some way. Why is this so embarrassing? Because all of us walk around desiring to hide our weaknesses. From our toddler years, we are trained to flush crap down the toilet, not take it out of the potty and yell with boldness and joy, "Look, Mommy!" I know that's a crazy and nasty visual, but seriously! No one wants to see (or smell) that! But when it comes to our nontangible mess, faults, and shortcomings, God wants us to take them out and show Him, boldly stating, "Here, Daddy! Here is an area, a place where I struggle, fail, do not measure up. Take this and, as You are shape me to be more like You, use this to bring You glory." What's crazy is, unlike our earthly parents, God can actually do that. He can take the disgusting and turn it something beautiful.

I believe in an earlier blog I talked about how dead dreams are like cow manure. They stink and are not fun to interact with, but God can use them to grow something beautiful and useful. Well, our weaknesses are just like cow manure as well; Jesus is the master Farmer, and He can take our nasty-smelling “poop” and use it to fertilize the ground from which the harvest of hearts is grown. We should not cling to and ignore the areas in which we are not the strongest, but neither should we hide away in shame or see them as unredeemable.

I want to challenge you to open up an area of your life to God that you would just as soon not; if you do not know what this area might be, ask Him! I am challenging this partially because I know God has directed me to and partially because He has shown me what area I need to allow Him to use. I thought that if we do take on this challenge, this experiment that will initially feel awkward and questionable, and allow Him to do something amazing with it, well then, we’re both doing this bold act of obedience together :D

Perturbed

Okay, here’s where I stand on the topic of young women pursuing young men, or woman pursuing men, or a nine year old girl pursuing a nine year old boy:

For the latter couple, just don't; you're too young.

For everyone else: Let the guy pursue. Why? I'll explain, but I will offend someone. Before I explain, though, I just want to say I DID NOT want to write this. Why? Two main reasons:

            1) I am the girl who was not noticed by the guy she fell for. Granted, I know (and did know) that any pursuit on either end would not have gone over well if only because it was not the right time for a relationship. Even so, I know the frustration of not being pursued. It sucks; and what's worse, it can hurt.

            2) Most of you will want to debate about this, and I will not. Not now and you know what, not ever.

The reason I am typing this is because God has been after me for too long about this. And when I tried my usual, "Whatever You say, it doesn't really matter, we both know where I end up either way so it makes no difference whether or not I stand on either side!" He kind of slapped me across the face with, "Don't talk to Me like that; if you can plainly see where I have been leading you in this area and you ignore Me, you are being foolish." So… I don't want to be foolish; and I don't want to ignore Him, either.

To the LADIES. From what I have observed, when the woman pursues the guy or tries to take the lead in a relationship, that is the area in which the woman will have to take leadership in the future. Now, this may not sound too bad. The girl pursues the guy she likes and he ends up liking her and agrees with all her standards. Yay! Awesome! No sex til marriage! Yeah; but what about after they're married? What about after the vows have been said and the children have come? Is he still taking leadership. Because from what I have witnessed on multiple occasions, he is not. He is very much laid back and allowing his wife to be the spiritual leader, he is allowing her to take all the initiative in the relationship. He is watching her interact with their children while he sits o the couch and claims not to know how to. And he may not know! But sure as golly isn't gonna learn by sitting on his butt! Yet it all goes back to when she initiated A-B-C with him. Hey, like I said, I am sure there are exceptions. Some guys, just like girls, are natural leaders and need little to no prompting. Also, I am not saying that we girls need to sit on our butts and not do anything or even encourage them (and I mean, "Come on, honey, I know you can do it" type of encouragement, NOT "Come on, boy, don't you know I like you, DATE ME!" type of encouragement). Let's face it ladies: men are natural pursuers, leaders, etc. I know, it's the twenty-first century and where in the Bible did you get that? I'll be honest, I do not have a list of Scriptures that exemplify what I am talking about. But I do know what I see, I know what I have witnessed. Ladies, I KNOW it's hard to sit back, pray to God about the guy you are interested in, and let him (or, what seems to happen more often, let him not) take notice and pursue you. I do not know what to say except go to God. You cannot tell me He does not know and does not care. And, I guess if you don't mind being the leader of your home, then ignore everything I said. But I wouldn't suggest that, if only because that takes away from your future man's meant-to-be role. Trust our Faithful Father to create a love story for you that far exceeds both your own plans and your expectations.

To the MEN. Here's how it is: start by pursuing God. That's right, you can breathe. I'm not asking you to propose to the next girl who blinks at you, nor am I suggesting you place your wife in  chair and command her to never again breathe until you are there to make sure she is okay. However, I am strongly suggesting that You begin fulfilling your God-ordained role as men by going after God with all you are. Just like I suggested with the girls that they take their frustrations to Him, I am suggesting that You take your fears and struggles to Him. He is the perfect "trainer"; he knows you intrinsically; your good and bad, your strengths and the areas that need a little (or a lot) more work. He will not laugh at you, will not turn you down, and will not make you look like an idiot in front if your friends. But He also will not allow you to spend your life doing little or nothing when He has called you to great and life-changing things!

And when it comes to us girls, you can trust Him to! He's not going to send you on a wild goose chase. I mean, if God is pricking at your heart to start up a friendship with a young lady, trust Him that it is for good. Whether it turns into something more, stays just as is, or even fizzles into nothing but a short and sweet friendship, let Him be your guide. Honor him, and honor her. I will not pressure you into going after us because that's not good for anyone. Soon you both will be left with a broken heart and a confused mind.

To EVERYONE. I know it ALL starts with God. Goodness gracious, why are we all so hesitant to take the little and/or important things to Him? Why are we so determined to do things His way, to let Him lead us. We all have different paths to take; some may look similar and others may look . But the ones that are God-honoring and worth the effort in prayer and action are the one that have both the guy and girl seeking to love God and others above all else. I know it's hard to wait. I know it's hard to take the initiative (not in relationship, but in other things). I know it's hard to trust God with something we can handle ourselves if we just do X-Y-Z. But is it wrong to wait and seek His guidance? I don't have a list of Scriptures that says it is.

Grace again...and again... and again...

By the time I leave this earth, I know I will have written well over 1,000 posts on Grace. Seriously.

Dictionary.com defines of Grace is as follows:

1.

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2.

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment

3.

favor or goodwill

4.

a manifestation of favor, especially by a superior

5.

mercy; clemency; pardon

When  think of Dictionary.com I think of Urban Dictionary. Here are few of their definitions (most of them had to do with a girl names Grace…):

1.         Grace

A admired feminine forename.

1) The swan glided over the lake gracefully.

2) Me: 'Grace is the cutest girl ever, She makes my heart beat faster, she's so beautyful. If you ever go out with her, you are one lucky guy...'

2.         Grace

Beauty, sunrises, singing birds, blossoming flowers. All those things that remind us why life is worth living.

Heaven on earth. A star to light your life.

3.         Grace

A girl who is the best of the best. Very artsy with an extreme amount of elegance, thus her name. This entails beautiful face, voice, mind, body, soul, thoughts, and aptitude in the arts. This girl is usually the best in everything. Thought to be a rare jewel, she is one to be held on to. One should not be surprised if this is difficult at least, for Grace is captivating to all around her.

I have no idea why I wanted to look up the term “Grace” on Urbandictionary.com, but you know what I found: nothing inappropriate! But more than that, all the definitions were positive descriptions of the word (or, in most cases, the girl).

Personally, I have not always seen Grace as something positive. For most of my life it was actually a mystery. “My Grace is sufficient for you,” Jesus tells Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9. But what does that mean, I wondered. God’s Grace is enough? Is it enough to block the pain from experiences that hurt more than I like to admit? Is it enough to give me what I need to go on and fulfill the commitments that no longer seem worth it? Is it enough to help me not drag everyone around me down even though I don’t have the strength to keep going? What is this mysterious Grace, and can it be compacted into an all-in-one pill so that I can take one dose and be set for life?

Well, I do not have a straight-from-God’s-mouth definition for you. However, I do know what I have come to understand it to be. As of this very moment, I have understood Grace to be God Himself coming alongside me and saying, “Daughter, I see you cannot do this on your own; allow me to walk with you through this, and when the burden gets heavy, talk to me about and allow me be with you each step”.

This, in my opinion, is a narrow definition of Grace because it is only being defined in light of our burdens. What about when we sin? I believe what is extended to us then is called mercy. What about when others wrong us or when they are seeking out our help? I believe then we are called to extend mercy and Grace to others. That does not meant that we should allow cruel people to cling to us and drag us down; but I do believe it means we do not harbor unforgiveness or bitterness in our hearts. And when it comes to those we are journeying through life with, I have come to see Grace as that which is extended in love and without keeping count of how many times it has been given.

So, that’s what I have to say about Grace for now.

Grace is beautiful and deep and an extension of Love itself :)