Saturday, May 31, 2014

My stomach is nauseous from the lies I’ve been intaking or far too long. It’s 2:37 am. I just want to sleep. I understand that some nights one may not be able to sleep, but I refuse to put up with this. Now anymore. Not when I know I have crossed a line into a place where I can finally negate the lies with truth.

Yes, I have gone 22 years without knowing that I am worth being sought after for who I am, not for what I can give. Okay. If that is going to break me then I might as well end it. If all I am worth is to make someone drool, then my value is eerily low. I’m not sure what the deal is but I do not I’m not going to pursue attention I get everyday all day, maybe just not in the way I would have asked for it. But when God blesses, he really does over do it.

I am wanted and pursued by the God of the entire universe; I am blessed beyond measure. And I am aware of love from more than I care to count, partially because I am lazy and want to sleep, partially because there really are a lot. My cup overflows. Yes, and even though I walk through the valley of lies, I will not fear evil, for He, the Author and Finisher of my faith is with me. I do not necessarily enjoy the pain, but neither will I cringe and fall under its grasp; the truth sets me free. I am single and I do not appear to be wanted in a romantic and respectable sense. But Someone deemed me wanted enough to give His Life so that I can live and live more abundantly, not wake up in the middle of the night hurting over something I have never had. So good night, night, and goodbye irrational thoughts. If it is God’s will, it will come about. No matter how you fear, little heart, you are loved more than You could ever comprehend. Pain, leave; joy and contentment, run free.

alone? Not Really, Not Forever

This is for every girl who has woken up at 1, 3, 5, and at any other time because she felt lonely and was too busy crying to sleep peacefully. For the woman who decided that feeling unwanted and undesirable was better than being used for what she could give and not for who she was. This is for the girl who looks at wedding pictures of friends and wonders if “all the good guys are all taken”. For all the young women who want to wait and be pursued rather than pursuing and finding herself always having to wear the pants in the relationship. This is for girl who cannot understand what is taking so freaking long and why it is she can’t seem to spend a significant amount of time content (because, you know, when you’re content and you’re not thinking about it, that’s when he’ll come… because there is a time you’re all of those things at once, right? But if you were, you probably wouldn’t know it because you weren't thinking about it, so…) This is for the girl who will not allow her emotions to direct her actions or her thoughts even though she feels like she’s spent an undetermined amount of time not allowing herself to think about him, the future, the past. For the woman who watched him with her and wondered “what the heck is wrong with me that I seem to always go unnoticed?”

Because I am not the only stubborn one determined to allow God to do His thing, His way. Because all the good guys are not taken. Because God’s timing really,truly is not our time, nor is His goodness limited to what all your two eyes can take in. Because His Grace is sufficient and we wouldn't need it if we were not weak. Because patience, not how many eyes you have caught, is a virtue. Because sex outside of God’s bounds of marriage was never worth the risk, no matter what all we have heard or seen. Because heat, pressure, and pain are what makes beautiful (remember that diamond you want so badly). Because I’m still single so I can say this and have faith in God’s strength alone, despite how I may feel… and I want you to join me. Let the wedding photos remind you of God’s goodness and faithfulness, not your current state-- life is but a breath, ladies. Let the beautiful pictures point you not to yourself, but to the Author and Finisher of our faith… AND our love stories  And let’s be happy for our friends, I guarantee they once were where we are/may be/have been.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.” Philippians 4:4