My father has always been in my life, and that is why I am
slightly annoyed that I have even gone/am going through this.
I am putting this
online because afterwards I will feel more responsible to actually live out
this new conviction God has placed on my heart, knowing the world has access to
this confession and conviction.
Ever since I was
young, I was boy crazy. Ironically, they weren’t crazy about me. They were
crazy about my friends, but never me. So, to cut to the chase, even as a more
sedate, young woman, I eventually began to believe the ideas that: 1) Guys don’t
notice me, 2) Guys like my friends, and 3) There is no guy good enough for me.
With these beliefs, my heart quietly sat, fighting off the pain
and clinging to hope beyond logic that one day my dreams would become a reality
and guys would in fact realize that I exist!
That day has seemed to come—but THAT is not why I am writing this.
Here is where I will state the fact that I am still boy crazy; I
just keep it on the down low because this is not a favorable aspect of me. Now
there are certain characteristics that have to be present in the guys, and
unfortunately one of them is swag. For those of you who do not know what that
means, I can only explain it as this being the way a guy carries himself, and
there are a lot out there who, despite all of their mistakes and flaws, have
quite a bit of swag.
Even having said all of that, none of it is the reason I am posting
this.
This morning while I was trying to worship, God brought to mind
some of the guys who have seemed to notice me. It hurts my pride and makes me
truly sad to realize that I have come to expect and feed off of their attention.
So this morning as I was failing to connect with Him, God let me know that I
needed to give Him my heart and the desire to be noticed.
Don’t get me wrong—guys noticing girls is not a bad thing,
However, two negative factors of this new situation is: 1) These guys do not
present themselves to be the most respectful young men and I am not sure that
my response is encouraging them to be respectful, and 2) My source of
confidence need only spring from the Love and affirmation of my Creator,
Friend, and Lover of my soul.
This is so hard to type because… I am a girl. I do not know any
other way to put it. I like the attention of guys and it hurts to think that in
order to please God I have to give that up. Do not get me wrong, I am NOT saying
that if a guy is showing interest in a young lady, she then needs to run to the
nearest church and begin praying for deliverance; my point is that if his
attention is her source of affirmation, she needs to begin to cut off that
source of fulfillment and find it where she was meant to.
(The girl in me wants to add that maybe my noticing them back is a
way that God can change their hearts!... Then I remember all that times I have
told other young women, “We cannot change guys who do not see or feel the need
to change; only God can do that” and He can do it without out help. There is a
time to be there for the guys in our lives, but this is not the same as
changing them. Like we do with our girlfriends, we can walk without brothers in
Christ and lift the up to God I prayer—but changing them is not something we
can or should try to do. Only God can make a heart new.)
I need to cut off these sources, and my flesh is not enjoying this
idea. However, I have to choose what is more important: fulfilling my desires
for a moment, or honoring my Savior with my life. Welp, that answers that
question J
