All of Me

If I had to choose one thing I was thankful for, it would be the beautiful Love of God, specifically in the area of my weaknesses. God does something profoundly captivating: when we are in the middle of our mess, weakness, hurts, shortcomings, snot-- He reaches down and sits beside us. He wraps His arms around us and calls us to rest in His arms, in His heart.

So many times this summer I have just felt completely at the end of my rope. Normally my thoughts go to things like: “Why am I here if this is how life is going to be?” “What’s the point of this?” “Why bother trying to be like You when I obviously fail miserably do often?” etc. I am not saying I have completely stopped such line of questioning; no, I still need the Holy Spirit to work on me in this area. However, thankfully, Jesus has been drawing me more and more to come to HIm with these audacious questions. We both know that complaining does not solve anything, are both aware that kicking and screaming (literally and figuratively) gets nothing accomplished. Even so, our Father God would much prefer us to come to HIm with our temper tantrums and cries than to face the alone.

I am aware that this song is not Christian, nor do all of the lyrics work in sounding like one from God to us, but when I hear certain parts (like “Even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too”) I know that the Lord wants me to know, even in my crap, weakness, and imperfections He so adores me and wants me to depend on Him to give me the Grace I need every moment of every day. And He wants that with all of us <3

Not So Trivial

ahIn church today, the pastor spoke to us about James 3:1-12, where James talks about the tongue and its unruliness, how it speaks both life and death, blessing and curses.

I tend to be very blunt when I am speaking with God, and I have spent years giving HIm my mind about guys, particularly the ones who I fall for, pine after for weeks or months, then eventually get over, only to repeat the cycle again-- so has my past experiences been. In the course of these years I have let God and a select few know that there is no reason why I should be pining after young men who have not given me the time of day, or little more than that. I deserve to be pursued, noticed, cherished. I should be sought after and not looked over, paid attention to and not by passed. Why waste my time wanting someone who has no interest in me, who is obviously not worthy of me?

And who makes me worthy?

Wait, what?

Who makes me worthy to be pursued? Who says I am priceless, I am worth more than gold, I should be pursued, cherished, and taken care of? Jesus, the one who bought me with His stainless life. Yes. And so who speaks over me that I have worth, should be treated with respect, and calls me a child of God? Jesus. The One who died for me. And you. And all those guys who I pined after.

Now. Who says I should be noticed by them? Who says I have the “right” to be pined after by them? Who? Exactly. I am not saying, by God’s Grace and sacrifice, I do not deserve to be loved and cherished. But who said I deserve that from every guy I blink at? Mhh… exactly. Does it hurt. Yeah. Is it horribly disappointing. Yep. Is that their problem? No.

I am not saying that guys cannot be disrespectful or dishonest. However I am saying that all men are created in the image of God, and those who are believers are His sons, who, by His blood, deserve to be treated with respect-- and that includes being spoken over with respect, truth, love.

At the end of the service, the pastor asked us a take a minute to ask God if there was something we needed to ask His forgiveness for concerning our tongues and how we have spoken over others. The last thing I expected to hear what, “You have spoken falsely over my sons whom you have had feelings for.” O-oh. These men have not toyed with my heart. They have not made and broken promises. They simply have not reciprocated feelings. They have chosen other young women over myself. They have hurt my pride, or rather, I have allowed their actions to result in feelings of humiliation. And… they are children of God, same as me. They are created in His image, same as me. And most of them know nothing of my heart and how it has felt and for whom.

I have been told that if a girl wants to get over a guy, she needs to think about all the negative things about them. My problem with doing this is when I think about the negative aspects of a person, I end up hating them. And I end up doing so for everyone around me; I can’t just stop at one or a few. And plus, I don’t want a guy thinking of all of my negative aspects to get over me. I want him to place me in Jesus’s hands and surrender His feelings to the one who loves him more than I ever could. I want him to pray that I am rooted deeply in Christ’s love and that I pursue Him above anything or anyone else.

The truth is I am not being pursued, noticed, loved in a romantic sense. Not as far as I know. That is a fact, and I have not died from it yet ;) Is that okay? Can I go on knowing that Christ has called me to revel in His love and His alone, to cast my cares on Him, even those matters of the heart? Yes, I believe so. Because what we consider to be trivial, He considers to be of significant value. He loves for us to share our hearts with Him, confess our sins, and rest in His Grace and understanding.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,

   and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

   my salvation”

Psalm 42:5