Faith...

An awesome aspect of walking out our faith in God is that we move from the mindset and heart-set of, "Okay, this feel right" to "I don't give a flying fig tree how this feels, I know what my Daddy said and I'm moving forward with Him, trusting that He is as faithful today as He has been every day of His existence."

"He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Romans 4:20-21 NKJV

Winter Song cover by Natalie Taylor ft. General Ghost

This song was not meant for everyone because everyone will not relate/understand, which is fine. But I connected with this song because the verses almost perfectly describe how I feel right now while the chorus's "Is love alive?" reflects how I use to feel about love and it's stability :)

Quote

"In her eyes love was a very sacred thing, hardly to be thought of till it came, reverently received and cherished faithfully to the end." ~Rose in Bloom, Louisa May Alcott.

Into Daddy's Arms

"Yes, I see it all now:
    I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.
Let it be with me
    just as you say."

Luke 1:37

I see now that I do not fully understand what it must have felt like to entrust one's future to God like Mary did. She had the options of obeying God and carrying His child in her womb at the risk of her life and reputation or she could turn away from such a risk and preserve both. But she took a leap of faith into her Daddy's arms and He came through. She responded like we all need to in moments of desperation, pain, and the promise of hope at the hands of our merciful and compassionate Father.

"Yes, Daddy, I see how this situation should work: I belong to You, and I serve You. However You say things need to be, let them be so."

Trust does not always feel good in the moment, dear, but look to God. He is FAITHFUL. Read the rest of the story ;)

Pain

For years, my heavenly Father and I have had this discussion about pain and how I tend to cling to it. A little while ago He showed me that outside of Him, the only other thing I saw as constant was pain, and so I clung to it (me having this fear of people I love leaving me, and whatnot). After He helped me let go of pain and not pursue it like an imaginary lover I was determined to make mine, the I began to cling to Him in fear. He had just begun to break me of that yesterday when I, without realizing it, picked up pain’s hand again. He told me to let go, and I did, but not willingly; for some reason, even though I know that my Savior and friend will never leave me, my flesh still deems it a great idea to find other gods to run after…

This morning while I was worshiping Him, God told me, “The enemy has no power compared to mine. He can tear apart, but I can fix. He can cause storms, but I can move mountains. He can cause pain, but I can heal.”

Psalm 34:19-22

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned."

1 Corinthians 13:3-7 MSG

“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.”

Rambling on about faith, trust, and why I’m awake at 4 in the morning when I’m not supposed to get up for another hour…

I don’t like people to know when I am down or feeling weak for two main reasons. One, I feel like I’m expected to be okay. Two, most of the time people aren’t able to be there for me, so it’s easier to just keep the deep, hard things to myself…

So once again God has awakened me in the early hours of the morning to talk to me. Only this time He’s not just informing me about our normal 4/5 in the morning conversations, but He is providing me with the opportunity to filter through whatever it is that is holding me back from trusting Him. I do not trust Him, and what is slightly ironic is that I had convinced myself I trusted Him.

What’s not to trust? God of the universe, Lover of my soul, Faithful Friend, the ONLY One who is ALWAYS there for me when I need Him. Seriously, what is there not to trust? Why do I struggle so badly? Well, maybe the fact that what God is promising me is ridiculously beautiful, and unlike my friend with whom I had a wonderful conversation the other day, I cannot embrace this. Not love, not an amazing career opportunity that I am now working toward. Why not??? …fear…

A month or two ago, Daddy let me know that when I am married my husband will not ALWAYS be there for me when I needed him, and He gave me the opportunity to learn early what it is like to lean on Him for my every comfort, fulfillment, and provision, whether that be directly from Him or through a human being. Well, over breaks such as the one I’m on now I get to do that explicitly; with both parents working and not able to give their college-aged daughter the attention she needs (and, yes, it slightly rankles my pride to know that I still want and need my parents attention and care as an adult, but it only hurts because I need it and feel as if they can’t give to me as much as I need because of their schedules) I have a great opportunity to do so. But away from friends and peers that I am use to seeing and hanging out with on a fairly regular basis during school, it is a huge contrast being back at home.

Do you know what it is like to get a really good hug? I don’t mean a romantic one, but a nice, warm, loving hug that you feel in your heart. I’d like one of those right now, but for some reason Heaven (my pillow pet/son) isn't cutting it right now.

And now I’m at that place where I am hurting so badly that my arms are numb and I have to blow my nose every five minutes so I can breathe. This is why I don’t share my blog with family and friends; I don’t like most people in my life to know when I struggle because they cannot always be there for me when I need them. Yes, I am aware that no human being is able to be there for any human being at every time they are needed, and I know it is wrong to lock people out because of their humanness, but it hurts so badly to reach out and find someone there sometimes but not there all the time. I don’t want another reason to hurt…

And although I know that is wrong and I know that God is faithful and I know He will help me through all of this and will bring someone to help me carry the burden a few more steps… and although there are still tears in my eyes and I’ll have to blow my nose again… I’m at peace. This is a part of my faith in God I wish I could help people who do not believe to understand: I am not happy right now, but I am so full of joy and hope. I see no practical reason to stay alive when life consists of this kind of pain; but I rejoice at the thought of having the Grace to see another day. I do not understand how love does any good when it can’t be expressed in the way one wants it to be for reasons that cannot and should not be altered at the time, but I know that loving is exactly what I am doing right now because although I see nothing in it for me any time soon, I still desire to live out my care. That, my dear friends, is the beauty of God. In all of this… crap, there is a hope, joy, and love I cannot deny, and let me tell you, it came from no human being, no chemical reaction in my brain, and no practical reasoning I can summon. Even in the midst of this lonely, seemingly pointless Christmas break, I can sincerely smile and be thankful to be alive. Why? Because God is faithful, He is Love, and He is righteous.

And that is something I neither want to ever forget nor keep to myself. Something I was reminded of as I listened to S.O.’s cd So It Continues is that growing in Christ does not entail us becoming stronger and more able to handle life on our own as mature, capable adults. In contrast, it consists of us growing in Christ’s strength, which means we grow in our ability and tendency to run directly to our Daddy when something goes right, wrong, or horribly wrong, curl up in His arms and express our need for Him, rejoice in His righteousness and faithfulness, and all the while live out our relationship with Him, more determined each day to love Him, always being sincere and open with God, others, and ourselves. Our weakness is for our and others’ benefit, and this is saying something, seeing as I thrive to know that I can be as adult like as my friends and peers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing being an adult; adulthood is not a sin. But when we are focused on how capable we are and how far we’ve come and how much stronger we our… leaving God and all He has done for and in us out of the picture, that’s when the problem arises.

Otay, this probably doesn’t have the greatest flow, but I’m out solely to live out my relationship with my Savior Daddy and be broken for His glory and for the benefit of others and myself.

Good morning :D 

Be prepared to NOT breathe for the next 1:48...

F0rgiveness

Forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. I am an analyzer. I take everything apart and expose it for what it is so that I can understand why, why, why, how, and the way I should then respond to/interact with it. I like to know the deepest, darkest secrets of people because I want to know that I can still love them even with their sinful past or present. I know that sounds creepy, but isn’t that what we as humans all want: To be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness? The world cries out, “Tolerance!” while the church semi-jokingly commands, “Don’t judge me!” when all we are all whispering is, “Please love me.” But no one in their right mind would actually say that, not to just anyone. There is one, though, that we long to say it to and in return hear the response, “I do.” We long to be held in someone’s arms, to be known fully and intimately and be loved all the same. (That idea still boggles my mind; talk about a subject to analyze! And don’t ask me if I can imagine being loved that way... I can’t. Nor do I want to. If and when it happens, I want it to be a beautiful surprise…)

I am currently reading a book about sexual purity called Love, Dad. It’s written by Josh McDowell and it’s a collection of letters he wrote to his oldest daughter and only son concerning questions they had about the subject. Concerning sex and its depth, McDowell told his daughter, “We want to be able to totally reveal ourselves to someone we can trust to accept and love us just the way we are.” Before this quote he stated that making love was way more than just a physical act, but that it involves the emotions, and later on he explains how it involves us spiritually as well.

What does this have to do with forgiveness? Well, maybe this post isn’t just about forgiveness. Actually it’s about what happens when forgiveness takes place between us and God. At some point in my reading I stopped and cried just a few tears, once again reminded of what I would have to tell my future husband…And for those of you who are now crying out, “See, this is why the abstinence pledge people and the church are all in on a huge conspiracy to make us feel bad for expressing who we are! They want us to be bound by their superiority and judgmental views so that we can’t be ourselves and love the way we want…” let me state that this post is not about feeling condemned and dirty and all of that. Although I did feel horrible, God quickly reminded me that He has not only already forgiven me but He has also healed me and restored a level of innocence that I could have never gotten back on my own. Yes, I have heard before that there is nothing to forgive; please let me get to what (I believe) the point of this post is: In that moment, I did not simply feel forgiven, I felt known—fully and intimately. Because, you know, God knows everything about everyone. He knows every detail of every dirty, wrong, slightly not truthful act, phrase, or thought of every person. And in that moment when I felt known, I also felt loved—fully and intimately.

That is what it is like to be forgiven by God: to be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness. So, like I said, forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. But, for now, I’m just going to accept and revel in it :)