Sunday, December 30, 2012

Faith...


An awesome aspect of walking out our faith in God is that we move from the mindset and heart-set of, "Okay, this feel right" to "I don't give a flying fig tree how this feels, I know what my Daddy said and I'm moving forward with Him, trusting that He is as faithful today as He has been every day of His existence."

"He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Romans 4:20-21 NKJV

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Winter Song cover by Natalie Taylor ft. General Ghost

This song was not meant for everyone because everyone will not relate/understand, which is fine. But I connected with this song because the verses almost perfectly describe how I feel right now while the chorus's "Is love alive?" reflects how I use to feel about love and it's stability :)


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Quote

"In her eyes love was a very sacred thing, hardly to be thought of till it came, reverently received and cherished faithfully to the end." ~Rose in Bloom, Louisa May Alcott.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Into Daddy's Arms


"Yes, I see it all now:
    I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.
Let it be with me
    just as you say."
Luke 1:37

I see now that I do not fully understand what it must have felt like to entrust one's future to God like Mary did. She had the options of obeying God and carrying His child in her womb at the risk of her life and reputation or she could turn away from such a risk and preserve both. But she took a leap of faith into her Daddy's arms and He came through. She responded like we all need to in moments of desperation, pain, and the promise of hope at the hands of our merciful and compassionate Father.
"Yes, Daddy, I see how this situation should work: I belong to You, and I serve You. However You say things need to be, let them be so."
Trust does not always feel good in the moment, dear, but look to God. He is FAITHFUL. Read the rest of the story ;)

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Pain


For years, my heavenly Father and I have had this discussion about pain and how I tend to cling to it. A little while ago He showed me that outside of Him, the only other thing I saw as constant was pain, and so I clung to it (me having this fear of people I love leaving me, and whatnot). After He helped me let go of pain and not pursue it like an imaginary lover I was determined to make mine, the I began to cling to Him in fear. He had just begun to break me of that yesterday when I, without realizing it, picked up pain’s hand again. He told me to let go, and I did, but not willingly; for some reason, even though I know that my Savior and friend will never leave me, my flesh still deems it a great idea to find other gods to run after…
This morning while I was worshiping Him, God told me, “The enemy has no power compared to mine. He can tear apart, but I can fix. He can cause storms, but I can move mountains. He can cause pain, but I can heal.”

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Psalm 34:19-22


"Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
The Lord redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned."

Saturday, December 15, 2012

1 Corinthians 13:3-7 MSG

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Rambling on about faith, trust, and why I’m awake at 4 in the morning when I’m not supposed to get up for another hour…


I don’t like people to know when I am down or feeling weak for two main reasons. One, I feel like I’m expected to be okay. Two, most of the time people aren’t able to be there for me, so it’s easier to just keep the deep, hard things to myself…

So once again God has awakened me in the early hours of the morning to talk to me. Only this time He’s not just informing me about our normal 4/5 in the morning conversations, but He is providing me with the opportunity to filter through whatever it is that is holding me back from trusting Him. I do not trust Him, and what is slightly ironic is that I had convinced myself I trusted Him.

What’s not to trust? God of the universe, Lover of my soul, Faithful Friend, the ONLY One who is ALWAYS there for me when I need Him. Seriously, what is there not to trust? Why do I struggle so badly? Well, maybe the fact that what God is promising me is ridiculously beautiful, and unlike my friend with whom I had a wonderful conversation the other day, I cannot embrace this. Not love, not an amazing career opportunity that I am now working toward. Why not??? …fear…

A month or two ago, Daddy let me know that when I am married my husband will not ALWAYS be there for me when I needed him, and He gave me the opportunity to learn early what it is like to lean on Him for my every comfort, fulfillment, and provision, whether that be directly from Him or through a human being. Well, over breaks such as the one I’m on now I get to do that explicitly; with both parents working and not able to give their college-aged daughter the attention she needs (and, yes, it slightly rankles my pride to know that I still want and need my parents attention and care as an adult, but it only hurts because I need it and feel as if they can’t give to me as much as I need because of their schedules) I have a great opportunity to do so. But away from friends and peers that I am use to seeing and hanging out with on a fairly regular basis during school, it is a huge contrast being back at home.

Do you know what it is like to get a really good hug? I don’t mean a romantic one, but a nice, warm, loving hug that you feel in your heart. I’d like one of those right now, but for some reason Heaven (my pillow pet/son) isn't cutting it right now.

And now I’m at that place where I am hurting so badly that my arms are numb and I have to blow my nose every five minutes so I can breathe. This is why I don’t share my blog with family and friends; I don’t like most people in my life to know when I struggle because they cannot always be there for me when I need them. Yes, I am aware that no human being is able to be there for any human being at every time they are needed, and I know it is wrong to lock people out because of their humanness, but it hurts so badly to reach out and find someone there sometimes but not there all the time. I don’t want another reason to hurt…

And although I know that is wrong and I know that God is faithful and I know He will help me through all of this and will bring someone to help me carry the burden a few more steps… and although there are still tears in my eyes and I’ll have to blow my nose again… I’m at peace. This is a part of my faith in God I wish I could help people who do not believe to understand: I am not happy right now, but I am so full of joy and hope. I see no practical reason to stay alive when life consists of this kind of pain; but I rejoice at the thought of having the Grace to see another day. I do not understand how love does any good when it can’t be expressed in the way one wants it to be for reasons that cannot and should not be altered at the time, but I know that loving is exactly what I am doing right now because although I see nothing in it for me any time soon, I still desire to live out my care. That, my dear friends, is the beauty of God. In all of this… crap, there is a hope, joy, and love I cannot deny, and let me tell you, it came from no human being, no chemical reaction in my brain, and no practical reasoning I can summon. Even in the midst of this lonely, seemingly pointless Christmas break, I can sincerely smile and be thankful to be alive. Why? Because God is faithful, He is Love, and He is righteous.

And that is something I neither want to ever forget nor keep to myself. Something I was reminded of as I listened to S.O.’s cd So It Continues is that growing in Christ does not entail us becoming stronger and more able to handle life on our own as mature, capable adults. In contrast, it consists of us growing in Christ’s strength, which means we grow in our ability and tendency to run directly to our Daddy when something goes right, wrong, or horribly wrong, curl up in His arms and express our need for Him, rejoice in His righteousness and faithfulness, and all the while live out our relationship with Him, more determined each day to love Him, always being sincere and open with God, others, and ourselves. Our weakness is for our and others’ benefit, and this is saying something, seeing as I thrive to know that I can be as adult like as my friends and peers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing being an adult; adulthood is not a sin. But when we are focused on how capable we are and how far we’ve come and how much stronger we our… leaving God and all He has done for and in us out of the picture, that’s when the problem arises.
Otay, this probably doesn’t have the greatest flow, but I’m out solely to live out my relationship with my Savior Daddy and be broken for His glory and for the benefit of others and myself.

Good morning :D 

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Be prepared to NOT breathe for the next 1:48...


F0rgiveness


Forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. I am an analyzer. I take everything apart and expose it for what it is so that I can understand why, why, why, how, and the way I should then respond to/interact with it. I like to know the deepest, darkest secrets of people because I want to know that I can still love them even with their sinful past or present. I know that sounds creepy, but isn’t that what we as humans all want: To be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness? The world cries out, “Tolerance!” while the church semi-jokingly commands, “Don’t judge me!” when all we are all whispering is, “Please love me.” But no one in their right mind would actually say that, not to just anyone. There is one, though, that we long to say it to and in return hear the response, “I do.” We long to be held in someone’s arms, to be known fully and intimately and be loved all the same. (That idea still boggles my mind; talk about a subject to analyze! And don’t ask me if I can imagine being loved that way... I can’t. Nor do I want to. If and when it happens, I want it to be a beautiful surprise…)

I am currently reading a book about sexual purity called Love, Dad. It’s written by Josh McDowell and it’s a collection of letters he wrote to his oldest daughter and only son concerning questions they had about the subject. Concerning sex and its depth, McDowell told his daughter, “We want to be able to totally reveal ourselves to someone we can trust to accept and love us just the way we are.” Before this quote he stated that making love was way more than just a physical act, but that it involves the emotions, and later on he explains how it involves us spiritually as well.

What does this have to do with forgiveness? Well, maybe this post isn’t just about forgiveness. Actually it’s about what happens when forgiveness takes place between us and God. At some point in my reading I stopped and cried just a few tears, once again reminded of what I would have to tell my future husband…And for those of you who are now crying out, “See, this is why the abstinence pledge people and the church are all in on a huge conspiracy to make us feel bad for expressing who we are! They want us to be bound by their superiority and judgmental views so that we can’t be ourselves and love the way we want…” let me state that this post is not about feeling condemned and dirty and all of that. Although I did feel horrible, God quickly reminded me that He has not only already forgiven me but He has also healed me and restored a level of innocence that I could have never gotten back on my own. Yes, I have heard before that there is nothing to forgive; please let me get to what (I believe) the point of this post is: In that moment, I did not simply feel forgiven, I felt known—fully and intimately. Because, you know, God knows everything about everyone. He knows every detail of every dirty, wrong, slightly not truthful act, phrase, or thought of every person. And in that moment when I felt known, I also felt loved—fully and intimately.

That is what it is like to be forgiven by God: to be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness. So, like I said, forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. But, for now, I’m just going to accept and revel in it :)





Friday, November 23, 2012

Phantom Lovers


I go back to fantasy crushes like Bieber and Young because I know that they will never love me back; I know that there is no chance there and because my heart has been conditioned to being alone and phantom-ly rejected by guys I do know and I allow the pain to wash over me in order to be back in to a familiar place. Why is it I keep running back to the counterfeits? Because that is what I know. And I know, that is pathetic and I need to stop and be patient. And this time I realized that before the pain could reach my heart; I looked up and thought, “You don’t know me. Oh, you might one day, but then it will be too late because I have a Lover and He’s known me forever and has never left me disappointed because he didn’t know my care for Him existed.” Not to mention wherever my man is; wherever he is, he’s not going to find me panting over your face on the computer. He’s going to find me panting from how hard I just worshipped my Faithful Lover.
Shahbam ;)
(Nothing against either one of these young men or any other famous guy; I’m a just done with phantom lovers— those who only existed in my mind. You say that’s creepy and weird; I say there are many more girls like me out there and I don’t want them suffering unnecessarily like I did.)
God is… no words :D

Faithful Lover


Something I LOVE about my Heavenly Father is that I can be longing for a human romance, go to Him and worship Him to let Him know that I love Him, and He ALWAYS meets me where I am. I may not always feel it as strongly as at other times,  but He ALWAYS meets me. I don’t have to cry on my pillow and feel alone, I don’t have to search for a substitute while I wait for whoever God has for me, and I do not have to find another imperfect and temporary source of fulfillment. I just run to the arms of my Father and tell Him, “Even though I don’t have that human romance right now, I recognize that I have You, and You are enough. I love You, Daddy!”
God is beautiful, amazing, fulfilling, and ENOUGH. He is love; pursue Him!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Bethel Music- You Know Me (ft. Steffany Frizzell)






God


Today I was shaken to my core by the realization that I not only need God, but I must have Him.
Let me explain via a short story:
I use to hate the song "How He Loves Me." I remember when I first heard it; standing there in church with my arms down at my side in defiance, I told God "This is not a worship song. We're supposed to be worshipping You, not telling ourselves how much You love us. We're supposed to be loving You." I remember God telling me, "Sing that song to Me," which made no logical sense to me (I truly believe that one day I will fully understand that God is not bound by human logic). I know that God has called us to surrender our lives to Him, but do we know what that looks like. And, call me overly emotional, but do we know what that feels like? Well, I do not know how to explain it to you, but I can tell you that as I sang "How He Loves Us" to my Daddy, and every time I have sung it afterward, I have felt His Love. And if you thought the love of a friend, family member, or lover was indescribable and incomparable… You should join me as I taste and see that the Lord is good :D
The reason why only God can fulfill us is because He is the only entity that exists without the help of others-- anything and everything else exist as a result of His creating it. Today I was shaken to my core by the realization that I not only need God, but I must have Him.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Musings...


I'm starting to re-remember that being strong in Christ and walking in faith in Him does not mean that I will walk without pain, just with the guarantee that I will walk with Someone by my side. Haha, and then God has me read this Romans 8:1-11 :D (biblegateway.com)

Saturday, October 20, 2012

W0rship


“Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night”

-David Crowder Band, “Shadows”

Victory comes in our praises. I’ve heard that for years and have believed it off and on for years and now I know it’s true. What can be annoying about praising God is that sometimes, while we are joyously singing His praises, we may not feel like doing it. It’s like a husband and wife learning the art of intimacy—we have to learn to worship God because it is a part of our relationship with Him. And just like intimacy can take work and effort, so, sometimes, praising our faithful Father takes work and effort.
I cannot explain to you how much I would feel like cow poop—just a few years ago—lifting up my hands to God and singing about how glorious He was when I would much prefer to go play in traffic. Yes, I know that’s horrible, but it’s true. At the same time I remember thatr after a while I would completely forget about the highway and all of my problems because I was caught up in how truly glorious and faithful my Father is! It’s amazing how the victory is truly won when we let God know that even though it seems, feels, looks like, and may be the worst day of our entire lives thus far, we trust Him to work it out for our good and bring us through alive and well.
And guess what? Sometimes when we’ve worship, cried, and leaped in the air out of pure ecstasy, things may very well seem, look, and feel like they did before we gave everything to our Father. HOWEVER, the key is to keep trusting Him and continue speaking out of faith, not out of emotion. Because, my dear friends, what we see is temporal, but what we do not see is eternal... (2 Corinthians 4:18).

Context:

2 Corinthians 3:7-5:8
Glory of the New Covenant

7 But if the ministry of death, written and engraved on stones, was glorious, so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of the glory of his countenance, which glory was passing away, 8 how will the ministry of the Spirit not be more glorious? 9 For if the ministry of condemnation had glory, the ministry of righteousness exceeds much more in glory. 10 For even what was made glorious had no glory in this respect, because of the glory that excels. 11 For if what is passing away was glorious, what remains is much more glorious.

12 Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech— 13 unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. 14 But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. 15 But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. 16 Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

The Light of Christ’s Gospel

4 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, 4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. 5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Cast Down but Unconquered

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.

13 And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,”[a] we also believe and therefore speak, 14 knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Seeing the Invisible

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Assurance of the Resurrection

5 For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, 3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

6 So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. 7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.1


Thursday, October 18, 2012


"Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God."
Psalm 43:5 NIV

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

C0ntentment and Stability

Today I woke up to my Father’s arms around me, and it was beautiful because it’s a feeling I have longed for for forever. Even so, in the midst of feeling loved, I have this tendency to wander away from the Source of my strength.

God’s love is constant; that’s something I cannot wrap my mind around because I don’t know anyone or anything else that is constant. In my generation, everything changes quickly. From music styles to iPhones to someone’s love interest to my view of God—there seems to be no keeping up.

Am I the only one who feels the need, after an extended period of time of being at peace and sensing God’s Love, to find something different to fill the hole in my heart—that God-shaped hole. I want something new, something tangible, something that feels different; I stop pursuing, stop seeking, because I don’ feel like I need Him anymore. But then something bad, scary, or life-changing happens… and I need my Daddy again. Really?

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.” Deuteronomy 6:4

In one of the books from my Bible classes, I learned that this verse, which is repeated throughout Deuteronomy, speaks on God’s consistent character 1. He is never-changing, He is constant. There is no “God of the Old Testament” and “God of the New Testament”. There is One God, YHWH, and every time I type, read, or really thinking about that, my world comes to a stop and it’s as if everything in me recognizes this statement they haven’t heard for a long time.

God, You have been so good. Father, I don’t know why it is that You have the desire to reach out to me the way You do, but I could never be thankful enough. Daddy, don’t let me walk away from Your arms. Incline my heart to Yours so that “all my delight is in You Lord”2. I am not saying that people, or even things, are bad. However, when we start obsessing over who we need to be surrounded by right now, how it doesn't feel the same when I don’t have A, B, and C with me—that’s when the problem arises. If what Christ offered us when He died on the cross was a relationship, why do we neglect what we have with our Savior when we need Him the most?

All in all, I know better than to run away from Him, no matter how hyper, discontent, or whatever I am in the moment. Family and friends—golly, even material things—are a blessing, and I will cherish the people and be thankful for the objects while they are in my life. However, I know who my Constant is, and I will spend my life pursuing Him and giving Him my love :D

Footnote:
 Arnold, B.T. & Beyer, B. E. (2008). Encountering the Old Testament: A Christian survey. p.146. Grand Rapids:MI. BakerAcademic.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hum0r


For months now God has been teaching me the art of resting in Him, constantly lecturing me on how I’m always wanting to “do” for Him and how, oftentimes, He wants me to simply be with Him. I’d habitually say things like, “But what is resting in You doing?”, “How exactly am I accomplishing anything?”, or the most repeated, “God, I don’t know how to just be with You. Shouldn't I be doing things for other people and showing them Your Love?” I had a horrible case of the “Grace-by-Works” syndrome and, by His Grace alone, I’m getting better…
This morning as I was praying, I added as a side not, “Sometimes, I just want to sleep all day with You.”
God’s response: “‘What exactly does that accomplish?’”