Right now I would describe life to be as perfect as it has been ever, in my entire life. The only thing I would have removed are the moments God redirects me to consider the season that has just passed. I would accurately describe that season as hell, and I would rather not revisit that place, even in memory. But, it is a part of letting go and moving on, looking back and recalling and learning from. He is a good God, so I surrender.
When I reminisce I see a girl sitting on the floor in the upstairs lobby of her dorm, crying and silently screaming out to God to deliver her from this season of pain and growth and learning and pain. I see a girl wanting to die but knowing she doesn't want to and not quite sure how to be brought back to life. I see a girl who was so engulfed in her pain she did not know how to go through this time with the grace and understanding to love and receive love. And I see a God who reached down and gently pulled her back from the ledge in her mind, who redirected her thoughts when she considered driving into the next lane, into on-coming traffic. I see a God who placed specific people in her life who just made her smile and knew how to love her well without her having to say a word. A see a God who was willing to teach her things that most are not willing to learn, even when she was complaining about the lessons the whole time. I see a God who was willing to break down her pride to make room for something better.
Even now my eyes grow dim at such thoughts and truths because it’s still not pretty. Will it ever be? Probably not, and that makes me uncomfortable. But what good would it be for me to ignore that time and just act as if it had never occurred? What good would it do me to not process and not be honest about how I feel and where I am? How can I get to where I am being led if I cannot even accept where I am coming from?
I talk to people from that time and remember. I freeze up when another text message comes through, at the thought of commenting on a Facebook post. I get angry when I recall how no one seemed to understand, even though I did not either (nor do I fully now) and I know fully that it is neither right nor gracious to blame them or myself. And all of that is more than okay, because it is a part of the process. I say all of this partially for those who will read this and feel a sense of being comprehended and therefore a bit lighter and hopeful because, by God’s Grace, these times, though they may stretch on, do not have to last forever. I also say all of this in part because it needs to be released so that one day I may look back and see the not pretty and be able to say with quiet confidence, “Praise God.”
No, I’m going to say that today even as my heart burns with ever waning pain, even as my mind slightly bends at the memories, even as my eyes grow dim and my heart just wants to get up and run from it all. Praise God. Because
And
His Grace is sufficient, dear; lean on Him while you wait for Him <3
