I write about this more often than not, but as long as I am in this place of life, than I will continue to write about what God is showing me.
Lately I have been doing better and better when it comes to guys and the lack of romantic relationships I have been in. I have been putting up appropriate walls, remember that God is my refuge and strength and speak truth over myself: He has a plan for me, he has the right man for me, he has for me to be pursued. This is my story, so this is what I speak. Other woman may feel led to pursue a guy or to date more than one guy; that is there story, written and understood fully by God alone. I don’t need to agree or explain it; that is not my place.
For myself, I am to find myself secure in the Lover of my soul and wait for Him to lead me to whoever He has for me. I do not want to date more than one young man; in saying that, any form of longing or jealousy must be removed. It does not good to stare at the donut and long for the donut, then walk away complaining about how you can’t have donuts because you’re watching what you eat but its not fair that you can’t eat that donut and everyone else gets to eat it and why should you have to wait when you work so hard to be fit and take care of your body while everyone else eats what they want when they want… Really? Isn’t best just to stop whining and complaining… either that or eat the thing? And so it makes sense to either date or stop complaining about that which I am sure I can have if I just put forth some effort into showing guys I was interested in being in a relationship. But I don’t; and try as I might to justify dating, I cannot bring myself to. I have learned not to judge others; I have even learned to accept that the guy I marry has dated other women. And it really is fine, except that when I am around certain people it is not any longer.
Everyone has their weak spot, a place,situation or person around which they find himself unusual thrown off. Today I recognized what this is for me, and I was mad. I was livid actually, and I could and would have removed myself from the situation except that I knew I should not; that would not have been honoring to God or good for me. So I stayed and cried out to God and asked for help and did my part in being an adult child who needed her Daddy badly.
When I was finally able to write things out and process, I saw a lot of anger and jealousy that I did not expect to be there. Although I have been made aware of my desire to be pursued, I thought that by my working out my decision to remain single for the time being had negated any negative emotion or longing for that which I do not have. Nay nay; instead I have found yet another hole I need my Father God to fill. And it pisses me off. What do I have to do to feel whole, to feel pursued. I know that in life we have struggles and shortcomings and places where we are weak and need to lean on God’s Grace. But what truth do I need to speak, prayer do I need to utter, Scripture do I need to read in order to break free from this longing that only makes me feel pathetic and worthless? What work does the Holy Spirit need to do in me in order for me to walk in the confidence that is to be found in His presence?
For anyone who is feeling how I have been for the past few hours, who have been or know they need to pursue God on yet another, deeper level, I encourage you to do so because that is the only answer I have for both of us. First, know you are not alone. SOmeone somewhere is or will be reading this and saying, “Yes; I hate to say it but this is me.” Well, you are now knowingly not alone. I love you, dear and you are loved, even though you may not know or see it. Jesus is the Lover of our souls and He created us to be filled by Him now, yesterday and tomorrow. So I encourage You to ask His Holy Spirit (even if for the billionth time) to fill the hole in You that longs for the attention your significant other will one day try to fill but will never do so fully. I know you have probably heard that love heals; this does not just pertain to that between two humans :)
Next I encourage you to boldly walk in the love that Christ has for us. I know it seems, feels or sounds weird, but just like you can see the confidence on the faces of those who are dating, engaged or married, we single people were created to walk in that same confidence in our Savior. I cannot stress how we are meant to be filled to the fullness with who He is. I know it may not be what you think you want; I just finished telling God I did not want promises when I did not have what He was promising. But dear, He is God-- He knows us better, more fully than any human being ever could, no matter how wonderful. And He deserves our attention, worship, and longing because of who He is. Run after Christ with me; pursue the love and filling of His Holy Spirit. Trust Him and His timing. He is good :)
“Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah”
Psalm 62:8 ESV
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