Forever alone. This is a phrase that is jokingly/sarcastically/seriously used by single women of various ages. We look at our past and see just how pathetic or non-existent our dating life has been and we think that is all we will ever have. Nothing is as pathetic as that mindset.
I am that young woman. I write about this it seems at least once a month, and I will most likely continue to write about it until I feel led to write about something else. It still hurts but it doesn’t bother me like it used to; like Paramore said, “It’s not that I don’t feel the pain it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore” (“Last Hope”). We have so many dreams and plans and the older I get the more I realize nothing looks the way I imagined. Not one thing.
The only guy who has ever pursued me was a friend’s boyfriend who made his feelings known while they were dating. And I was desperate, and have continued to be since then for most of my life. I have had very short periods of contentment-- I mean like, 5 day periods at a time. I don’t know that, before recently, I had ever lasted a week before I started crushing on yet another guy. I was addicted to those emotions, and I still find myself tempted to go back to them, even though I am no longer stuck in that cycle (praise JESUS). I wanted to at least feel the very bits of what loving someone could be like, even if it always ended in pining after a guy who did not give me a second thought. I was desperate.
Sometimes I still am. Sometimes I reach up and ask God to hold me at night. Sometimes I still hear love songs and want to throw glass at a wall… or scream. Sometimes I still see couples and I have to hurry away because tears are beginning to gather. And that’s okay. I am weak in that area, very much so. And that’s beautiful because “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). In that area where I am pathetically without the coping skills all my female peers seem to have, that is one of the areas in my life in which God most strongly comes through.
He is teaching me to see myself as beautiful. Do you understand what a big deal that is? Do you understand the blessing of being able to walk past a mirror and genuinely like what you see? I’m learning to not allow myself to not like what I see, because the Creator of the universe created me… so I must be beautiful. Do you know what it’s like to genuinely be happy for someone who has something you do not. For those of you who don’t get jealous easily, don’t take that for granted! I practically want to scream for joy now-a-days when I am able to rejoice for friends who are taking new steps in their relationships with specific young men in their life. Seriously, don’t take the ability to do that for granted. Do you know what its like to constantly be aware of Jesus by your side? I am learning how to; do you know why? Because I want Him consistently by my side. By God’s Grace I have come to realize that no man can be there for me and be all that I need 24/7! (and, honestly, I wouldn’t want any human being to be there for me 24/7… it sounds nice, but the older I get the more I realize how much I enjoy personal space…) But Jesus: He’s able to just be here and not talk my ear off. I can go to him when I need help, and he ALWAYS helps. Not necessarily in the way I would want Him to, but He does so the best way possible, always for my good.
I have been so embarrassed about this side of me, this part that was desperate for a guy. Not that I am proud that I have been so needy for most of my young adult life. But I am proud of the One who has met me in my need every time-- even in moments when I would straight up tell Him, “I don’t want you, I want a man.” At these times and many others, Jesus would reach out and say, “I’m here. Tell me how you feel. Walk with me. Cry to me. Repeat to me over and over how much this hurts. You may get tired of saying it but I will never get tired of your vulnerability and honesty.”
So, forever alone, in the sense of marriage. Maybe. But that is okay, because I know someone who can fill that void better than any human ever could. And if I don’t end up “forever alone”, He will still be the one whom my soul cries out for with more passion and longing than it could ever for anyone else.
No comments:
Post a Comment