God is SO good! Reality has set in. Dreams I had wished to acquire sooner seem to be put off until later. Pain is a real part of life and must be experienced if I am to grow in Christ and compassion. People will not understand and people will not always be there. What we want takes effort on our part, and this is only the beginning. Where is the joy in all of this? Where is the hope? In the very first line, the very first word. GOD. He is so good! Why? In all of this, He has given me reassurance time and again that He is ever faithful. Sometimes that comes about by His arms circling around me, sometimes in the moments I sense He calling me to worship Him through an unforeseen (by me, not Him) hurt. No matter what, when I reach for Him and determine to love and trust my Faithful Friend, He is ever there. Goodness, even when I don’t, He reaches out to me in one way or another. But this is a relationship. He came 99.999% of the way. It is my job to come that measly .001%. Even when that fraction of a step costs me even more pain and wondering if it’s really worth it, the Holy Spirit reminds me of the suffering Jesus did for me—the cross, the being misunderstood, the beatings, the talking to people who just would not receive Him—and I have the strength to reach up to my heavenly Father and receive His Grace and Renewing Love. I tell you what, when I am weak, He is strong. I’ll take His strength over mine any day.

Worth the Wait (God's Promises)

"If I didn't know God was good, I would think He was devious."

This was something I told my friend this past Wednesday. This came out the realization that some of the blessings He had given me (insight into the future, people who comforted me, etc.) were consistently followed by a painful experience. For example, God would tell me one morning that in the future money would rain down from the sky and I would become an instant millionaire (not really, but just follow me). Then, as the day progressed I would be around people I loved and they would be talking to each other about how the money rain everyone around gets this time of year is coming less and less often and pretty soon it would stop coming all together. Well now, we know that God is a keeper of His Word and that He allows all things to work out for our good, but what in the world was the point of His giving me a promise only to have it laughed at by those around me, those who have no idea what He has promised but, all the same, were letting me know that what He promised could never come to pass.

However, He allowed those moments of doubt and fear that what He promised would not come to pass because He knew they would lead me to the place where I no longer had the emotional capacity to handle the doubt and fear. By Friday or Saturday, I was emotionally depleted. I was no longer able to do anything but trust God.

"Alexandria, I love you."

"I know You do, Daddy; I love You too,"

"Alexandria, I have great plans for you; I just ask you to trust, follow, and obey Me."

"Whatever You say, I will do."

"Alexandria, I have a man for you who will love you and cherish you and understand you and listen to you. Basically he will be everything you dreamed but never imagined would be, and more."

"Of course You do! You're God and You Love me and You are faithful to Your Word."

The only difference between these conversations and the ones we have had in the past is that there is not one hint of sarcasm in my response. Even now as I sit here, emotionally stabilized and still receiving care and renewing by my Savior, I refuse to allow myself to doubt. I came to the point yesterday where I could no longer hold on to the edge of the cliff, I could no longer fight to keep my head above water, so I asked God to keep me. And you know what I found out? I was neither plummeting to my death nor was I drowning. I was falling into the arms of my Heavenly Father; I was floating. I have never had skydiving or swimming lessons, so both are miracles in and of themselves.

My ever Faithful Friend is guiding me out of this mindset that what He does is simply to see whether or not I hold up through the pain. Just like a husband who promises his pregnant wife that he will get them out of their financial dilemma if she just gives him time, God wants me to have faith in Him. He wants me to praise Him for the good He does. He wants me to acknowledge the good I see in Him even when my eyes are taking in the hell and pain and lies and disappointments around me.  But He does not want this because He is longs for and needs my strength. No. My God is Love and a Rock, and longs for me to rely on Him and release the unnecessary burdens of control and fear that I cling to like a lover.

So what if a conversation or a thought or a situation contradicts God's promises? Does His faithfulness depend on the words or beliefs of a mere human being? No. Even so, He desires us to rely on Him, to focus on His goodness and Truth, to renew our mind with His faithful promises (a.k.a., His Word), and to live totally dependent on Him and not on physical reassurance. What we see will not be here forever; what we don't see will last an eternity.

So join me in this adventure to trust God! Sure, it may take years for us to see the results of the faith, praise, and prayers we are sowing now, but the wait, with God and each other, need not be tedious. Every moment is worth living  with our Savior and True Love :)

What Went So Wrong... And Very Right

10:32 PM

My school holds this yearly event that's like a formal dance minus the dancing. There is food, entertainment, and constant reminders that one is single if one who is attending happens to be… single. Last year, a friend and I went with the intentions of having a grand ole time! We pampered ourselves, took pictures, and resolutely told ourselves that Jesus was our date. When we arrived at the event, it was both fun and slightly exhausting to talk to our peers and see how snazzy everyone looked. Eventually we were all seated, the event began, and things quickly went downhill. You see, my friend and I had planned to sit with a mutual friend and her boyfriend; instead we found ourselves at a table for four… with just the two of us. If this was not a stark reminder that we were all dressed up with somewhere to go but no one to go with, I do not know what was. Throughout the event we rocked back and forth (figuratively speaking) between feeling angry and abandoned and telling each other little jokes laced with sarcasm. "Hey, we did say Jesus was out date," my friend pointed out with a half-smile. In the end, we found out that the burn was a sincere misunderstanding and all (eventually) was forgiven. I am not sure if my friend felt the sting for as long as I did; if you cannot tell, thinking about this still hurts a little.

Thinking back, the fact that I was single and going to an event that made couples stand out with their obvious lack of non-availability was what bothered me the most. However, now, almost a year later (and with the event coming upon us once again) I find that the feeling of abandonment is what makes me twitch inside. Not only this, but the fear of what God has up His sleeve this year has me repeatedly glancing over my shoulder in fear of what may sneak up behind me and leave me fighting angry tears once again. I know how horrible and distrusting this sounds; that is why I am typing out this blog. At the end of this formal event, someone spoke some words of wisdom to my friend and I that, although I do not recall them, I remember how… encouraged I felt afterward. I remember learning that God truly is always present with me and that the attitude with which I handle a situation makes a bigger with others than I realized.

10:50 PM

As the song "Set a Fire" by Jesus Culture begins to play in my ears, I start to sing in my heart, "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, that I can't control, cuz I want more of You God" without my realizing neither what song is playing nor what I am singing. I look on my computer only to realize that the music is coming from my iPod. I look at my iPod only to realize what I am singing. I try to ignore it, but God gently conks me on the head with the question, "So you want to encounter Me, is that what you're saying? Because you know what that requires, right?" Of course I do: letting go of my fear and running head first into Your ever-present arms.

When will I learn this lesson?

As I fall to my knees in worship, I sense Daddy telling me, "I want you to encounter my Love this week." Just what I was afraid of-- another "Love encounter" no doubt filled with pain and dissa-- Wait; no. This is just what I have been longing for about a month now and have been getting every time I choose to worship and bestow my love upon the Lover of my soul instead of focusing on the problems, pains, and distractions that constantly yell for my utmost attention. Like school work. Like relationships. Like the mental picture of an empty seat across from me during a fancy, formal dinner.

Dear reader, I challenge you, in those moments you most and least desire to, run headfirst and eyes closed into the arms of the One who will never abandon, disappoint, or point and laugh at you for your pretty dress (or handsome tux, guys) and single status.

Some Kind of Fear

I am not sure when it began, but at some point in my past I began to fear being clingy. It may have started when I was in high school and saw how emotional and illogical I was. With all the mistakes I made, with the high standard others held me to, and with the scars and shortcomings I saw so plainly, I developed this fear of being one of those people who unload all of their crap on others and walk off with a grin because (temporarily) their shoulders are lighter. There is a time to unload and a time to give the sparks notes version and, finally, a time to keep quiet. I have always preferred the quiet approach or sparks notes…

Apparently I have a problem with talking about my problems. I have noticed this lately; my tendency to always present things in a way that makes it seem as if, as bad as things may feel or be, because I am a Christian, I must have a great attitude about it. This weekend I went on a retreat with my small group from church. The night after the first service we talked about what most stuck out to us most during the sermon/talk. As everyone was going around, I felt this anger just swell up inside of me, and it scared me. Being emotional is one thing; being emotional and feeling like you have to keep it all in is… frightening.

"What about you, Alex, what did you get out of service?" I was honest. After the three hour session, what hit me the most was the brief discussion that was had concerning anger. I had realized that I was angry because I have come to believe the lie the enemy was telling me that I had to be there for everyone but no one would be there for me. That was not true at all; I could think of two wonderful people who I talk to about the majority of what goes on in my life. I told my small group about one in particular.

"But do you tell them everything?" Of course not! Why would I tell anyone everything!?

"Well, everyone needs someone they can tell everything to, who they can go to and just unload." Yeah, duh! His name is Jesus. Heard of Him? Well, I didn't say that because I knew they weren't going to take that. Everyone seemed surprised that I did not have that one person whom I could go to to tell everything to. Seriously, what human being can anyone go to to tell everything to? So I was honest.

"I don't want to be clingy." You should have seen the looks of incredulous disbelief at my reason for why I choose not to divulge my life story to anyone in particular. Seriously.

"Alexandria, you are the farthest thing from clingy." I can't tell you how many times I heard this that night. It made me feel very good about myself. It also made me realize that in my attempts to not be clingy, I inadvertently made myself kept more than I should.  But I tell so and so this and I talk to so and so quite often, I tell myself and God. And I do. But to tell everything I feel, everything I go through to a human being? Um… what? If I did that to a human being, they would run away in horror. They can go to bed that night and realize that I am too much for them to handle. Yeah, I don't think so. What human being can handle all of me?

What took me by surprise was that this was not just the high school girls who were voicing their concern at my confession. There were also my college friends and 40 year old small group leaders. One in particular voiced a realization she had just had in the midst of our talking/my therapy session.

"I'd always admired your ability to talk to God so honestly. You would argue with Him and just be real and now I know why." At this point, I had no idea what this had to do with my telling my life story to another human being and then continuing to let them in on my mess as time wore on. "You know that He will never leave you." Ah… connection made.

And that was exactly right. Of course I can argue with, wrestle with, yell at, curse at (not curse, but curse at, like, "Heck no I'm not going through this cow poop") God; He's God. He is Love, He is perfect, and He is strong enough to handle my cow poop. But what human being is able to handle it? What human being would willingly handle my story, and then stick around to find out what else life has for me as the years go by?

I am so scared. Not because my small group said I need to have someone to talk to and be honest with or because I am considering the fact that they might be right. No, I'm scared because while all this conversation was going on, God was speaking. And I was not comfortable with what He is saying.

I have spent the last… let's see, how old was I in Kindergarten? I have spent the last 16 years wanting a guy to notice me. Yeah, I started young. Ever since prit and prat walked around the kindergarten classroom with hunky boy in between them and prit told me that I liked him but let me know that I was wasting my little emotions on someone who could never like me back… I have been longing to be liked back. In fact, it has probably only been in the last two or three weeks that I have had a stable desire to not date for such an extended period of time. Not because I have given up on hope but because I have found a much greater, stronger, and more stable Love than the kind I had been seeking since I was 5. However, if this is true, why do I not just trust this greater, stronger, and more stable Love when He tells me He has someone for me? Honestly, because the possibility of that coming true does not look too good. I am not saying that the second God brings this person in my life that they will hear my life story from conception til the now. However, I am not sure I can wrap my mind around how this person can handle me on the whole… I am not sure I can even handle myself.

I've spent a good portion of my life afraid of being too much, and have succeeded in not being so (most of the time). Oh, I know when I've made someone tired; I've seen the look in a family member’s eyes as I have let go of my burden with them and watched them feel the weight. I have called my dear Grandma two days in a row and promised myself the third day I would not burden her with my mess until I got a handle on things. And I have had others lay their burdens on my shoulders without caring how their weight has greatly increased my own. I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a weight. I don't want to be left alone.

But you know what? If I'm going to survive, I'm going to have to be vulnerable. Whenever God brings that person into my life, I am going to have to be a weight, a bother, a me. And, in turn, I pray that they are that to me. But, even more, I pray that, after we unload, we turn to our Heavenly Father, our great, strong, and stable Lover of our Souls. And I pray that, everyday of our lives, from now until forever, we grow deeper and more grounded in His great, inexhaustible Love for us. Hallelujah.

Repetition

My pillow pet gets the kisses I would give my future husband. For that matter, it gets his hugs to. This is not needed information but what does it matter. I have spent more nights crying because I was lonely than I can count, and I do feel pathetic (even though I know I am not the only one). I do not know why I can’t just get over it like everyone else seems to do so well. I do not know why it bothers me so much. But at least I can understand why guys chase after girls who have no interest in them; well, I guess I know. Maybe I know why some do. And I understand why girls walk by certain coffee places to flirt with guys whom they have intention getting involved with at all… that I know I understand. Not that I have done what. I actually haven’t. I’ve just thought of doing it.

How long until I find complete contentment? Then a guy will come and try to win my heart and I’ll take off my shoe and throw it at him because he’s come at a very inopportune time. Where were you a year, a month, three days ago when I actually wished you were here? Oh, busy having a life; I’m sorry for not being more understanding. I lied, I’m really not.

My pillow pet is so much easier to communicate with on my own terms. When I want a hug, I get one. When I want to cuddle, we do. When I want to ignore it because I’m bitter and I don’t feel like showing it the affection I am not shown, I let it sit on my bed unnoticed and alone. I bet it understand why I’m single a little better than I do.

This is an encouraging post. I know there are worse things than being single but I refuse to allow myself to forget what it’s like and therefore lose all empathy for the teenagers and young adults I will encounter in years to come. So for the future me I declare to you these truths: Being lonely or single or whatever you want to call it hurts. And no, it is not the same pain as one feels when they lose a family member or when they are laid off or when they are beaten, but it is pain. Last time I checked, pain hurt. A lot. And when it persists on coming back again and again, it hurts all the more and tempts one to become bitter and flirt with coffee shop guys.

I do not understand why I or anyone else has to go through this. Does God feel lonely? That’s hard for me to imagine. Does He feel neglected and abandoned? Probably; just looking at the way I treat Him on the day-to-day, I can see how He could feel that way. For that matter, we all feel that way. And empathy is a powerful thing. In the Bible is says to pray for those who are persecuted as if we were being persecuted. I am sure that in the middle of a beating, torture session, or simply lying in jail for months upon months, one is likely to feel lonely, abandoned, or neglected. So maybe being single and feeling this way is a great opportunity to pray for those who are being persecuted as well as for others who are single. Maybe it is a great opportunity to look outside of ourselves and up to a God who is Faithful and real and here no matter how we feel. Maybe it’s a great opportunity to get over ourselves because, the last time I checked, obsessing over how lonely I feel never made me feel better, just worse. More pathetic. More alone. More… blah.

On that note, being married does not solve everything; married people feel lonely to. I tend to ignore that small factor since they’re allowed to have sex whenever they and so that must solve all the world’s deepest problems. But you know, I’m starting to think that may not be so. So in the midst of our bitter jealousy or blinded loneliness, we can pray for those in our lives who are married too. Yes, they have less time for us single folk and no they cannot empathize with us in the same way. But they are human; and so they feel loneliness. That does not sound nearly as nice as it could, but bear with me, k?

So, get over yourself, pray for others, and worship Jesus based on who He is, not on how you feel. And know as you are doing all of this that you are not alone; I’m doing this with you.

Another Boy Blog

I know I overanalyze things and I know I have talked about this before, but I am going to say this all again with a prayer that God uses these words to encourage, open the eyes of, maybe even knock the head off of some of His wonderful yet ignorant children J

I spent my high school years believing that guys either 1) Didn’t notice me, 2) Noticed my friends… and not me, or 3) Weren’t good enough for me. Now I know you could say, “Honey, at least you haven’t been through the 1, 5, or 60 break-ups that I’ve been through!” And yes, you are right in your insinuation that I have avoided that kind of pain. However there was another kind of pain I could have avoided and did not. You see, maybe it’s just me (it’s not just me) but being single can really suck. Yes, I said the s word. There are a couple of things that suck about it (I must really like numbering things today…)

1)      It hurts. We were made to be “joined as one” to someone of the opposite sex within marriage, and once those desires are awakened, they are like a huge beast of a newborn that wails day and night about how much it wants… whatever beastly newborns wail about wanting but can’t have and so they scream and scream and scream and pretty soon you begin to scream because you’ve done all that you know to do to shut it up but it won’t!

2)      It’s distracting. Yes, I just said that being single is distracting. I know I am NOT the only who has paused in their time of doing homework to contemplate why Johnny just doesn’t seem to notice me. I mean, I looked so cute today. Even some of the other guy noticed, and although that would normally make me so giddy, right now it just flames the question of why Johnny only smiled and waved instead of coming over and saying hi…

3)      It’s annoying. If you’re like me, when you were or as you are in high school and are dealing with these ridiculously unreasonable emotions concerning guys, you will spend half of your time wondering why Johnny doesn’t like you and the other half wondering why you are so shallow as to obsess over a guy when there are wars, starving children, and suicides every day. I know, you feel like scum right now. We just have so much in common!

I wish I had something to say to make your life instantly not so self-centered (because realistically, this is a very self-centered, albeit common, mindset). And I am sorry that you are crushing on a guy who won’t look your way or that has looked your way but not the way you hope he would or has looked your way the way you hoped he would but then glanced back at his girlfriend who is NOT good enough for him when YOU could do SO MUCH BETTER! Not that I’VE ever felt that way… because I have—

I’ve been through this with Jesus too many times to count, so here is the conclusion and it will not make you as happy as you may like but you need it so here it is:

You are single. Forever. Okay, that’s all, thanks for reading!

But seriously, I know it sucks being single. I have been for most of my 21 years. However, there is so much more to life. Friends, family, school, work, dreams, chillaxation time, and (you knew it was coming) Jesus. Now, the reason why I have waited so long to include him is because of this: maybe it is just me (*wink, wink) but sometimes when we call on Jesus we do not always hear his response. For me, that is one of the most devastating feelings in the world, reaching out to my ever-present Father and Lover of my soul and coming back with the same aching feeling I was trying to give up to him. I don’t understand God or his ways. I don’t understand why he would allow a desire to be awakened in me that he wants me to allow him to fulfill in his time. And I don’t understand why he wants to spend time with me every day only to then send me off with an, “Okay, now I want you to lean on me throughout the day and listen to my voice. And if you don’t feel me with you or you don’t hear me speaking to you when you cry out to me, don’t freak out. I am in control.” Mhh, yeah… really?!

You know what I’ve found, though. At the end of the day, he is still there Whether or not you feel him, whether or not you hear him, he is still in control. And he wants you to come to him. It won’t always be within the context of a worship service-high. It won’t always feel like those warm embraces you look forward to when you normally come to the throne of God. But do we solely love him based off of how he makes us feel? Can we still love a perfect, Holy, Loving, and Faithful God even when it does not look like he is all of those things?

Jesus not only deserves all we have to give him, he also wants it. We are wanted, we are loved. And I know some if not a good portion of you are reading this and saying, yeah, that’s NOT what I wanted to hear. Well, it’s the truth. And you know what they say about that, it’ll set you free ;)

I pray that everyone who’s reading this and struggling with accepting this truth will have a conversation with God or a reliable friend or mentor who will confirm to them that he is worth the sacrifices, pain, and questions we experience every day. I could end by saying it will all work out! And I do believe it will. But right now I am here, feeling God (after three days of pure numbness) but still wondering why he keeps telling me, “The sky is blue” and all I hear everyone else saying, thinking, or believing is that is white with blue clouds. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but if you have ever looked up and seen a pure blue sky compared to a pure white one, you know the difference… and the difference can hurt sometimes.

Okay, I’m done talking in code. Go pursue Jesus; he is worth your time and pain. If you don’t believe me, go back and read what he suffered for you. Us. We.

Hugs

You know what’s weird: the need for physical affection. You know why that’s weird: because of God. This oddity is two-fold. On one hand, God created us to need each other. So not only do we need Him, but we need each other. But that’s just the second part of the “fold”—we need Him. Him. All-powerful, all-wonderful, almighty God. The King of kings and Lord of lords. We need His Love and we need Him. So if this all-powerful, all-wonderful, almighty God is that He says He is why did He make us to need someone other than Him? And why is it so hard to ask for that need to be filled? Well that’s exactly why. Some of you read that sentence, “And why is it so hard to ask for that need to be filled?” and you cringed. Why? Pride. (I know I seem to have all the answers to life today but… well actually, I do… it’s Jesus…)

But THAT’s just IT! Jesus is all the answers, and Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. And yourself needs physical affection. I’m not saying we need to break out and start “loving” our neighbor and his mom. I mean that, as Christ-followers, we need to develop the ability to tell when someone, especially those close to us, needs a hug, pat on the back, or something that lets them know, “Hey, I’m here for you.” Seriously, I know we can’t practically go around hugging everyone (the opposite sex may enjoy this, but then they’ll think you have a crush on them, and things just go downhill). But with those we are close with, a pat on the arm, a high five, I don’t know. Maybe I’ve lost it. Maybe I’m just speaking from my own brokenness. Maybe I’m the one who needs the hug or who needs to learn when her friends want one. But, you see, there’s vulnerability in that, too, because when you go to give a hug and it’s rejected, it hurts almost as much as needing a hug and not receiving it. However, on that end, I am just being selfish, because if I sense a friend (and in this do mean one of the same gender; call me a prude, but we just have to be really careful when it comes to giving those of the opposite sex hugs—wisdom is very much needed) needs a hug and I offer it but they do not receive it, have I done something wrong? No. Have I been rejected in a way? Yes. But that’s okay because it is not about me. In that moment, it is about them and what they need.

So… don’t be selfish. If you are not an affectionate person, maybe you are not the one to go around being the main hugger person… but maybe you can also develop your skills with your family and closest friends, because everyone needs some kind of physical affirmation.

And if you’re the person who needs the hug… go hug someone close to You. And don’t give them a I-need-a-hug-so-I’m-giving-you-a-hug-so-I-can-get-my-hug. No, ask God to help you love someone else because He loves you. Simple as that. He won’t let you down J