All of Me

If I had to choose one thing I was thankful for, it would be the beautiful Love of God, specifically in the area of my weaknesses. God does something profoundly captivating: when we are in the middle of our mess, weakness, hurts, shortcomings, snot-- He reaches down and sits beside us. He wraps His arms around us and calls us to rest in His arms, in His heart.

So many times this summer I have just felt completely at the end of my rope. Normally my thoughts go to things like: “Why am I here if this is how life is going to be?” “What’s the point of this?” “Why bother trying to be like You when I obviously fail miserably do often?” etc. I am not saying I have completely stopped such line of questioning; no, I still need the Holy Spirit to work on me in this area. However, thankfully, Jesus has been drawing me more and more to come to HIm with these audacious questions. We both know that complaining does not solve anything, are both aware that kicking and screaming (literally and figuratively) gets nothing accomplished. Even so, our Father God would much prefer us to come to HIm with our temper tantrums and cries than to face the alone.

I am aware that this song is not Christian, nor do all of the lyrics work in sounding like one from God to us, but when I hear certain parts (like “Even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too”) I know that the Lord wants me to know, even in my crap, weakness, and imperfections He so adores me and wants me to depend on Him to give me the Grace I need every moment of every day. And He wants that with all of us <3

Forever Alone?

Forever alone. This is a phrase that is jokingly/sarcastically/seriously used by single women of various ages. We look at our past and see just how pathetic or non-existent our dating life has been and we think that is all we will ever have. Nothing is as pathetic as that mindset.

I am that young woman. I write about this it seems at least once a month, and I will most likely continue to write about it until I feel led to write about something else. It still hurts but it doesn’t bother me like it used to; like Paramore said, “It’s not that I don’t feel the pain it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore” (“Last Hope”). We have so many dreams and plans and the older I get the more I realize nothing looks the way I imagined. Not one thing.

The only guy who has ever pursued me was a friend’s boyfriend who made his feelings known while they were dating. And I was desperate, and have continued to be since then for most of my life. I have had very short periods of contentment-- I mean like, 5 day periods at a time. I don’t know that, before recently, I had ever lasted a week before I started crushing on yet another guy. I was addicted to those emotions, and I still find myself tempted to go back to them, even though I am no longer stuck in that cycle (praise JESUS). I wanted to at least feel the very bits of what loving someone could be like, even if it always ended in pining after a guy who did not give me a second thought. I was desperate.

Sometimes I still am. Sometimes I reach up and ask God to hold me at night. Sometimes I still hear love songs and want to throw glass at a wall… or scream. Sometimes I still see couples and I have to hurry away because tears are beginning to gather. And that’s okay. I am weak in that area, very much so. And that’s beautiful because “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). In that area where I am pathetically without the coping skills all my female peers seem to have, that is one of the areas in my life in which God most strongly comes through.

He is teaching me to see myself as beautiful. Do you understand what a big deal that is? Do you understand the blessing of being able to walk past a mirror and genuinely like what you see? I’m learning to not allow myself to not like what I see, because the Creator of the universe created me… so I must be beautiful. Do you know what it’s like to genuinely be happy for someone who has something you do not. For those of you who don’t get jealous easily, don’t take that for granted! I practically want to scream for joy now-a-days when I am able to rejoice for friends who are taking new steps in their relationships with specific young men in their life. Seriously, don’t take the ability to do that for granted. Do you know what its like to constantly be aware of Jesus by your side? I am learning how to; do you know why? Because I want Him consistently by my side. By God’s Grace I have come to realize that no man can be there for me and be all that I need 24/7! (and, honestly, I wouldn’t want any human being to be there for me 24/7… it sounds nice, but the older I get the more I realize how much I enjoy personal space…) But Jesus: He’s able to just be here and not talk my ear off. I can go to him when I need help, and he ALWAYS helps. Not necessarily in the way I would want Him to, but He does so the best way possible, always for my good.

I have been so embarrassed about this side of me, this part that was desperate for a guy. Not that I am proud that I have been so needy for most of my young adult life. But I am proud of the One who has met me in my need every time-- even in moments when I would straight up tell Him, “I don’t want you, I want a man.” At these times and many others, Jesus would reach out and say, “I’m here. Tell me how you feel. Walk with me. Cry to me. Repeat to me over and over how much this hurts. You may get tired of saying it but I will never get tired of your vulnerability and honesty.”

So, forever alone, in the sense of marriage. Maybe. But that is okay, because I know someone who can fill that void better than any human ever could. And if I don’t end up “forever alone”, He will still be the one whom my soul cries out for with more passion and longing than it could ever for anyone else.

SIngle, single, single, single, single, Jesus...

I write about this more often than not, but as long as I am in this place of life, than I will continue to write about what God is showing me.

Lately I have been doing better and better when it comes to guys and the lack of romantic relationships I have been in. I have been putting up appropriate walls, remember that God is my refuge and strength and speak truth over myself: He has a plan for me, he has the right man for me, he has for me to be pursued. This is my story, so this is what I speak. Other woman may feel led to pursue a guy or to date more than one guy; that is there story, written and understood fully by God alone. I don’t need to agree or explain it; that is not my place.

For myself, I am to find myself secure in the Lover of my soul and wait for Him to lead me to whoever He has for me. I do not want to date more than one young man; in saying that, any form of longing or jealousy must be removed. It does not good to stare at the donut and long for the donut, then walk away complaining about how you can’t have donuts because you’re watching what you eat but its not fair that you can’t eat that donut and everyone else gets to eat it and why should you have to wait when you work so hard to be fit and take care of your body while everyone else eats what they want when they want… Really? Isn’t best just to stop whining and complaining… either that or eat the thing? And so it makes sense to either date or stop complaining about that which I am sure I can have if I just put forth some effort into showing guys I was interested in being in a relationship. But I don’t; and try as I might to justify dating, I cannot bring myself to. I have learned not to judge others; I have even learned to accept that the guy I marry has dated other women. And it really is fine, except that when I am around certain people it is not any longer.

Everyone has their weak spot, a place,situation or person around which they find himself unusual thrown off. Today I recognized what this is for me, and I was mad. I was livid actually, and I could and would have removed myself from the situation except that I knew I should not; that would not have been honoring to God or good for me. So I stayed and cried out to God and asked for help and did my part in being an adult child who needed her Daddy badly.

When I was finally able to write things out and process, I saw a lot of anger and jealousy that I did not expect to be there. Although I have been made aware of my desire to be pursued, I thought that by my working out my decision to remain single for the time being had negated any negative emotion or longing for that which I do not have. Nay nay; instead I have found yet another hole I need my Father God to fill. And it pisses me off. What do I have to do to feel whole, to feel pursued. I know that in life we have struggles and shortcomings and places where we are weak and need to lean on God’s Grace. But what truth do I need to speak, prayer do I need to utter, Scripture do I need to read in order to break free from this longing that only makes me feel pathetic and worthless? What work does the Holy Spirit need to do in me in order for me to walk in the confidence that is to be found in His presence?

For anyone who is feeling how I have been for the past few hours, who have been or know they need to pursue God on yet another, deeper level, I encourage you to do so because that is the only answer I have for both of us. First, know you are not alone. SOmeone somewhere is or will be reading this and saying, “Yes; I hate to say it but this is me.” Well, you are now knowingly not alone. I love you, dear and you are loved, even though you may not know or see it. Jesus is the Lover of our souls and He created us to be filled by Him now, yesterday and tomorrow. So I encourage You to ask His Holy Spirit (even if for the billionth time) to fill the hole in You that longs for the attention your significant other will one day try to fill but will never do so fully. I know you have probably heard that love heals; this does not just pertain to that between two humans :)

Next I encourage you to boldly walk in the love that Christ has for us. I know it seems, feels or sounds weird, but just like you can see the confidence on the faces of those who are dating, engaged or married, we single people were created to walk in that same confidence in our Savior. I cannot stress how we are meant to be filled to the fullness with who He is. I know it may not be what you think you want; I just finished telling God I did not want promises when I did not have what He was promising. But dear, He is God-- He knows us better, more fully than any human being ever could, no matter how wonderful. And He deserves our attention, worship, and longing because of who He is. Run after Christ with me; pursue the love and filling of His Holy Spirit. Trust Him and His timing. He is good :)

“Trust in him at all times, O people;

   pour out your heart before him;

   God is a refuge for us. Selah”

Psalm 62:8 ESV

Grace and Sin

Last night when I was wanting to sleep, I laid in bed wide awake. I had just finished praying and writing, and I had hoped I was done being “spiritual”. Ha. At some point a random scene played through my head: This guy walked up to me and told me that he had slept with a girl, had “seen her” as he said. I was not sure how to respond, and the scene quickly ended. I gave the scenario little thought and quickly tried to resume my sleep. Not long after the scene played out again, this time with a friend of mine as the guy. This was even harder to respond; he and I aren't close, but I still care enough for him to have been concerned. This morning as I was writing, the scene played out again, and I knew I had to write about it.

My question to this scenario is, what is the right response? James 1:14-15 says “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” The point of that is not to make us feel bad or uncomfortable, but to point to the fact that sin comes with its own punishments. I am not saying that as parents or authority figures we are not to teach those under us that wrong is wrong. No; but I am saying that there is a difference between teaching a lesson and reacting in a way that is neither beneficial neither for the wrongdoer nor for us. It would be easy for me to blast either guy in the mini stories, telling them that they have officially screwed himself and his future wife, not to mention that girl, over. It would be easy to stare and say nothing, defaulting to someone else to deal with them and their mess. It would even be easier to make light of the situation-- not easy, but easier than responding correctly.

Something God has been telling me for the past few months is that Grace changes people a lot better than condemnation does. Grace is not easy to give, but it is necessary. And you know what, it does not make me feel good to say that, because what if that guy were a family member of any gender-- a sibling, my future husband, my child? Would I want to give grace in that moment? Would it feel good to tell them that I do not condemn them and, yes, although there are consequences that come with every decision they make, I will not damn them. I will love them.

I do not know what it feels like to have to tell someone that I slept with a guy; even so, that does not negate the fact that I have my messes. I have my crap, my faults, my sins, and I know how God has handled them. He has reached out to me time and again with His Love and Grace. He has walked me through one healing process after another-- and yes, they were excruciating. Purity comes with a price, one way or another. Both are heavy, but one comes with a lot less of a burden and scarring than the other one. This is why abstinence is (should be) preached and taught. Sin of any kind affects more than just the sinner. However, this is not an excuse to make anyone feel like crap because they allowed their desire to birth sin which results in death. Because when we sinned, we had ours paid for, as did they. We were given Grace, if not by a human being than for sure by God the Father, who sent His Only Son to cover our butts… and the rest of us. I am not saying we are to welcome with open arms the wrong act, the hurtful words, whatever. I am saying we love and forgive and give Grace to the human being created in the image of God. “All have sinned and fallen short…” It’s not supposed to feel good, on either end. But it is supposed to heal and produce fruit but the Grace of a righteous and holy and gracious God.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

My stomach is nauseous from the lies I’ve been intaking or far too long. It’s 2:37 am. I just want to sleep. I understand that some nights one may not be able to sleep, but I refuse to put up with this. Now anymore. Not when I know I have crossed a line into a place where I can finally negate the lies with truth.

Yes, I have gone 22 years without knowing that I am worth being sought after for who I am, not for what I can give. Okay. If that is going to break me then I might as well end it. If all I am worth is to make someone drool, then my value is eerily low. I’m not sure what the deal is but I do not I’m not going to pursue attention I get everyday all day, maybe just not in the way I would have asked for it. But when God blesses, he really does over do it.

I am wanted and pursued by the God of the entire universe; I am blessed beyond measure. And I am aware of love from more than I care to count, partially because I am lazy and want to sleep, partially because there really are a lot. My cup overflows. Yes, and even though I walk through the valley of lies, I will not fear evil, for He, the Author and Finisher of my faith is with me. I do not necessarily enjoy the pain, but neither will I cringe and fall under its grasp; the truth sets me free. I am single and I do not appear to be wanted in a romantic and respectable sense. But Someone deemed me wanted enough to give His Life so that I can live and live more abundantly, not wake up in the middle of the night hurting over something I have never had. So good night, night, and goodbye irrational thoughts. If it is God’s will, it will come about. No matter how you fear, little heart, you are loved more than You could ever comprehend. Pain, leave; joy and contentment, run free.

alone? Not Really, Not Forever

This is for every girl who has woken up at 1, 3, 5, and at any other time because she felt lonely and was too busy crying to sleep peacefully. For the woman who decided that feeling unwanted and undesirable was better than being used for what she could give and not for who she was. This is for the girl who looks at wedding pictures of friends and wonders if “all the good guys are all taken”. For all the young women who want to wait and be pursued rather than pursuing and finding herself always having to wear the pants in the relationship. This is for girl who cannot understand what is taking so freaking long and why it is she can’t seem to spend a significant amount of time content (because, you know, when you’re content and you’re not thinking about it, that’s when he’ll come… because there is a time you’re all of those things at once, right? But if you were, you probably wouldn’t know it because you weren't thinking about it, so…) This is for the girl who will not allow her emotions to direct her actions or her thoughts even though she feels like she’s spent an undetermined amount of time not allowing herself to think about him, the future, the past. For the woman who watched him with her and wondered “what the heck is wrong with me that I seem to always go unnoticed?”

Because I am not the only stubborn one determined to allow God to do His thing, His way. Because all the good guys are not taken. Because God’s timing really,truly is not our time, nor is His goodness limited to what all your two eyes can take in. Because His Grace is sufficient and we wouldn't need it if we were not weak. Because patience, not how many eyes you have caught, is a virtue. Because sex outside of God’s bounds of marriage was never worth the risk, no matter what all we have heard or seen. Because heat, pressure, and pain are what makes beautiful (remember that diamond you want so badly). Because I’m still single so I can say this and have faith in God’s strength alone, despite how I may feel… and I want you to join me. Let the wedding photos remind you of God’s goodness and faithfulness, not your current state-- life is but a breath, ladies. Let the beautiful pictures point you not to yourself, but to the Author and Finisher of our faith… AND our love stories  And let’s be happy for our friends, I guarantee they once were where we are/may be/have been.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.” Philippians 4:4

Love Yourself

“You are such an idiot.”

“Why did you do that-- were you not thinking?!”

“How long does it take to get this right?”

“Why bother trying harder? You’ll just fail again.”

“You can be so stupid sometimes.”

If most of us heard a girl saying this to a guy in the store, we’d either wonder why he was with her or why he didn’t tell her to shut up. If we heard someone speaking this way to an elderly person or a young child, most of us would view them as being verbally abusive. I realized this as I was thinking my typical self-degrading thoughts while driving this afternoon. The Lord stopped me and showed me what I had just thought, what I often think to myself, before asking me, “If you heard someone speaking this to someone else, how would you feel?” Disgust, concern, maybe even a slight loathing for that person. What right have they to speak to them in such a manner? Why would that person take their verbal abuse? If that were me, I wouldn’t put up with it! Oh... really?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

I have read and heard this verse and been told often that we love others the way we love ourselves. I have never been a huge fan of me, so I have tried to slightly modify my approach to myself to make sure I loved me and others well. To date, I have learned to justify my, uh, rough approach to me. “Oh, I am just hard on myself because if I’m not, I fear I won’t do my best.” “Oh, I am a perfectionist; I like to do things right.” “I use to be so much weaker, more sensitive, etc, but I am growing, and the progress is a result of my ‘reality checks’.” But then, I can’t talk to people this way. And, more often than not, I do not have the desire to approach anyone other than myself in this manner. Most times.

My roommate and friend let me know recently that sometimes I can come off rough, my comments can be rude. She and I briefly discussed this and I explained that this was a result of frustration, apologizing for my rudeness and telling her I would try to do better. But when I thought more about her comment, the Holy Spirit showed me that those moments of harsh commenting or rude/rough talk is not all that uncommon to me. It is the same thing I hear everyday, almost consistently, from myself. Oh, it is not always easy to pick up on, not nearly as easy to notice as it was a few years ago when I was in high school (and my self-loathing meter was off the chart). But I hear this talk in my “self-motivation sessions”. Whenever I remind myself how weak and ignorant I am, how the world is a horrible place and if I’m going to survive I need to grow up. I need to put my “big girl pants on and wake up”. I need to do this and that to improve, to be better, to get by in life, to achieve, to thrive.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best I can be. But we cannot possibly believe that we can speak such negative, harsh “truths” to ourselves, then turn around and love God and others correctly. At the end of the day, if I am honest, just like I expect myself to be perfect, I expect others to be so as well. If I make a promise and keep it, God and everyone else better NOT go back on their word to me. If I mess up, well obviously I did not work nearly as hard as I should to get the results I wanted; and you, well, looks like you’ve been slacking in a certain area as well… What’s a bit more deceptive is when we actually outwardly treat others well: say the right things, do the right things, even have the heart intention to treat others the right way. But if our hearts are not right towards ourselves as individuals, that self-hatred will leak into our treatment and view of others.

What if the Scripture was read this way: “You shall verbally abuse  your neighbor as yourself.” Or, “You shall harshly judge your neighbor as yourself.” Or even “You shall “toughen up” your neighbor as yourself.” All of the sudden, the “harsh truths” we speak to ourselves don’t sound quite as acceptable. All of the sudden, those “truths” show their true colors and become verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not saying that we need to go around hugging ourselves, being self-absorbed and never dying to self. As Christ-followers, God has called us to live holy, set-apart, uncomfortable lives. We are called to give of our time, our emotions, our energy for the glory of God and the uplifting, encouragement, reproof, and altogether love of others. But if we cannot see ourselves as God sees us, this affects how we see our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow human beings on this earth, even God. If I cannot allow myself to be-- to just live, seek God, and do good without condemning myself for my mistakes, shortcoming, and failures-- there is no way I can allow anyone else to be himself.

I have not arrived, friends, Not at all. In fact, I have far to go in this, as well as many other, areas. AND THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to go back to school soon and not feel like I’m ready. It is okay to wish I could stay home and be safe and protected and sheltered. It is okay to wish that I were married so that I finally stop longing for it. It is okay to wish I were stronger so the next year or so of my life did not look so scary. It is even okay for me to wish better for and of those in my life. BUT what is best is when I take all of these concerns, worries, fears, and shortcomings to God and say, “Today, by Your Grace, I choose to see myself the way You see me.” What is best is if I look at others and say, “Today, by His Grace, I choose to see you the way God sees you.”

We are created in God’s image by a Father who loved us enough to give His life for us while we had no intention or capability of loving him, others, or ourselves the way we should. Let us come before our loving Saviour and ask for the Grace and Wisdom to see and love ourselves as He has created us to, so that we may better love Him and others.

The Removal of My Wisdom Teeth

I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed: they were pushing against my other teeth, crowding my mouth, and causing my jaw pain. So when they were removed, significant good was done. Now, three days later, I constantly taste blood in my mouth. At first I found this fascinating; I always did like that salty flavor whenever I would cut my lip (and I’m not the only one…). However, after a while the taste has become old old and slightly nauseating. The reality that four objects had to be uprooted, leaving four holes in my mouth, in order for healing to be set into place does not leave a great taste in my mouth (yeah...). Healing is messy and smells (or this case, tastes) like death, and who likes that stench after three days? Who wants to go through the process of uprooting that which is harming in order to have order and peace (or at least the beginning of both)? Is it worth the nausea, the pain, the gaping, bleeding nothingness in order to for proper growth and healing to occur? Is it worth the constant work of cleaning? Is it worth the time and effort?

And just think: I was put to sleep for the uprooting. That is not reality; normally, we are awake for the entire process… Is it worth it?

I read back over this and realized that I did not mention Jesus’s Name once, and yet I see hear him in every line, especially in the questions. “Is it worth it, Alexandria?” Because my “teeth” have always looked perfect to others; only I and the professionals have seen the mistake that has resulted in letting those four teeth grow. And who has felt the pain and will have to put forth the effort to make sure the process is undergone? Me and Jesus and those who are willing to walk in the messiness that is relationship.  “Is it worth it, Alexandria?”

Well, is it?

Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25

Remember Grace

Sweet Victory

My first year in college, I was the secretary of the Freshman Student Government. During my time in this position, I never really felt like I had a huge job, but I knew I was important: I took notes and helped people (myself included) remember what they were supposed to do. The last thing we as a the Freshman team had was put together was a picnic for a student body in the spring. The process of accomplishing this was not fun. Although great ideas were put on the table, and many were carried out, from my vantage point it did not seem as if this feat would go to well. I felt as if we were mostly on our own and little good could come from all the effort and time we were putting into this project we had to carry out. But let me tell you, at the end of the day, after the food had been eaten, the music had been played, and the guests were leaving, my team and I were astonished at how well everything had turned out.

About a month ago I was talking to my friend with whom I had been on the Freshman Student Government. I told them something I  had thought to myself but never would have imagined saying out loud before: “I felt like we had conquered the world that day.” The reason why I never would have said this before was because I had heard this phrase in many songs, and quite frankly I believed it was one of the cockiest, most ignorant phrases I had ever heard. No one will conquer this world except Jesus, when He comes to reign over it (Revelation 20). With this in mind, I could not explain how I felt other than with that ridiculous phrase, because thinking back, I have no idea how what we pulled off could have excelled with all of the opposition we faced.

I say all of this because this morning as I was spending time with God (trying to anyway; I haven’t been so distracted in a while) I felt God leading me to worship Him with a song that wasn’t about me. A lot of worship songs talk about how we will glorify God, we will lift Him high, and the like. I do not believe there is anything wrong with this, but He and I knew I needed to get my eyes off of me for a bit. I looked for and found “For the Cross” by Bethel Music on my iPod and I began worshipping along with the track. When it got to the part where Jenn Johnson sings, I stopped and listened. All of the sudden my mind went back to that conversation I had with my friend and I got so excited!

Jesus came to this earth as nothing in man’s eyes. His father was a carpenter, and his mother was someone people probably assumed cheated on his dad. He did go on to gather a large group of followers and managed to tick off the influential leaders of his time, but from man’s point of view he did not have much going for him. Those who really did believe in Him had little that they could offer him as far as help and support, and in the end he died a death he didn’t even deserve. All the work he put forth to bring people to himself, all the time he spend praying, all the breath he spent on seeking Truth, life and Wisdom for what? In the end his life was spilt on the ground as he hung on that cross. Or so it would seem, from man’s point of view.

“I died, and behold I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of Death and Hades,” Jesus tells us (Revelation 1:18b). Can you imagine, after all he had been through, how Jesus felt coming up from the dead and rising from the grave? One can only imagine that he felt like he had conquered the world in that moment. And although this place we live in  is corrupted and full of evil and deteriorating as we speak, Jesus told his disciples and us, “ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33). He has actually overcome it, and we will see him reign in all his glory one day.

I am in no way comparing a picnic for a few hundred students to the conquering of the world that lies within the hands of Jesus Christ, but without meaning to, I might have had a glimpse of what it felt like for the Lover of my soul to rise after all he went through for me, for us. He really deserve all glory, honor and praise, more than we can fully comprehend :)

For the Cross- Brian Johnson, Jenn Johnson, Bethel Music

Adventure

Adventure. I have been longing for an adventure for so long. Not just a random break in the day-to-day life, but a full-fledge ADVENTURE.

I was watching The Hobbit earlier today, and a theme of the movie that stuck out to me more than usual was the risk Bilbo was willing to take when he decided to follow the Dwarves and Gandalf on the journey to win the Dwarves’ home back. He knew that by going on this adventure he would never return the same… if indeed he ever did return.

 

I really do believe that’s the kind of life Christ calls us all on. Not that we were all meant to travel pony-back through various terrains and fight of disgusting creatures in order to win back the home of our new-found friends. I believe the life God calls His children to live is risk-taking, work-filled, sacrifice-contained life that benefits more than our own vacillating emotions. He calls us to put away our mother’s doilies, leave behind our home-in-a-hole, and join Him in sacrificing our comfort for the “life and life more abundantly” that we were meant to live here and now (John 10:10).

 

Here and now I am staring at this Word document, wondering who I am to talk about living an adventurous life. All I know of adventure is what I have currently watched in the movies The Hobbit and Esther: The Girl Who Became Queen as well as a book Take Four by Karen Kingsbury. I still desire exciting escapades, but I have to ask myself if I would be willing to embark on one if Jesus were to knock on my bedroom door and ask me to do so, letting me know that the journey will be life-threatening and I will not return the same. Would I say yes? I would like to think I would. I would like to think I would be willing to leave behind those things in which I take most comfort and be willing to rely on Him and those He has placed in my life to lean on.

 

 

Then again, He has asked me to go on an adventure with Him. Granted, my life does not look the way I would have mapped it out to, but what real adventure does? I know there are those who think that I should do things differently, but then I have to laugh as I recall the looks of disapproval Bilbo got when he went running out of the Shire after the Gandalf and the Dwarves. I never expected God to call me to spend my summers spending extended time with Him, hanging out with my brothers, and volunteering at church; it is not the life He seems to have called my friends and other family members to. Then again, not one of us has exactly the same outline for our lives, letter to letter. We may experience comparable circumstances, know the similar kinds of heartache, and find relatable joys, but each of our journeys will lead us to different callings and seasons. Frodo did not go on the exact same journey as Bilbo, and although both Peter and Paul were called to share the Gospel, Peter was appointed to the Jews while Paul was sent as a missionary to the Gentiles (Galatians 2:7-8). Every step may not look as we thought or wished it would, but with God by our side and our eyes ever seeking Him, life is bound to be quite the adventure.

Do NOT Look at the Past

Don’t look at the past. Don’t look at the past. Do not look at the past.

“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.”

Isaiah 43:18 NIV

 

No matter how many times He told me this, how could I not look at the past, or what will be the past. Being an analyzer, it made perfect sense to me to analyze the possible scores of faults my future husband will have, particularly those of physical and emotional unfaithfulness to me. Crazy, maybe; but you tell me how many young men you know who are saving themselves for their future wife. Exactly; not so crazy.

What is crazy is knowing that you have not been squeaky clean your entire life, that you are not faultless, then to look at whoever and condemn them to hell for their sins. That, my friends, should be considered a certifiable act.

But, but, you’ve been forgiven. You’ve repented more times than you can count and God has told you on multiple occasions that He has forgiven and released and redeemed you. So then, all that is left to deal with are the scars and hurtful actions of others toward you, right? Wrong.

Because when Jesus died for your sins, He died for theirs too. Awkward.

You know what else is crazy? The fact that I have just realized that. I strive so much to be perfect because I HATE the thought of hurting people the way they have hurt me; but I am not perfect. Neither are they, those who have, will, and do hurt me. So…

I can keep looking at the past (or what will be the past—a slightly more ridiculous feat); or I can receive and dish back forgiveness, grace, release. It may not feel easy, but I am pretty sure it did not feel too easy for Jesus.

Also, just as badly as we want forgiveness for ourselves, others need that same forgiveness. Release. Grace.

Short and sweet this week :)

Waiting

I just got off of Skype with one of my friends. I was talking to her about how, if I were honest, even though I have no desire to date and I am not ready for/do not want marriage right now, if I were to meet a godly young man that I was attracted to I would want to date him. Now, this may not sound so bad in and of itself, but you have yet to hear two important details: 1) I know God has called me to wait for my future husband when it comes to dating, and 2) I would date this guy just to screw my future husband over.

Further explanation: You know how you may get the sense from God to pray for your future spouse. I've heard and read many accounts of things like that happening; girls saying they sensed their future man was going through a hard time, guys getting the nudge to lift their future woman up to God in the middle of the night. Well, I have a hunch that my future husband is not waiting around for me to date, and that ticks me off. I don't see how it's fair that he gets to do whatever with whomever while I am bound by a promise to God to wait for him! Of course this sounds stupid and horrible, if only in light of the fact that I don't want to date right now (or ever, if I'm honest; I can't explain why, but I really just don't want to date). But when I think of who my future man might be with I am tempted to selfishly think, "Screw him; I'm going to have some fun myself."

When I look at my future husband from where I am right now, I see no reason to be selfless and honor God or him. When I look at my future husband from the point of view of meeting, being engaged to, and marrying him, I feel my ruffled emotions calm down a bit. When I think about God and how He has the best plans in mind for me and how He has called me His beloved Daughter and only wants the best for me…  I find myself on my knees praying that He changes my heart and gives me the desire to love my future husband NOW by the choices I make and even the thoughts I think.

Another view of this that struck me just ten minutes ago and is in fact the reason why I wanted to write this blog: Jesus died for me before I thought of entering into a relationship with Him. He knew how unfaithful I would be to Him not just before I accepted Him as my Savior and asked Him to forgive me for my sins, but also while He and I were in a relationship! He came on earth, suffered, and died that I may have life that was meant to be lived to the fullest for His glory and to my own good. And so, if my Faithful Friend so selflessly did such a thing for me, who I am to do less?

I know some may see this as extreme; how do I know what my husband's doing right now? Why should I make a big deal about waiting to date, especially when I don’t know who the guy could be? The whole purpose of this is to explain something I have been learning: the art of Love, of commitment, of patience. The beauty, struggle, and worth in dedicating ourselves to someone we have not even encountered, of giving our lives in service to a faithful God who knows what's ahead and knows what it will take to prepare our hearts and minds for it. I don't have an all-pleasing answer as to why I know I should surrender those ugly, selfish thoughts to God and walk this path He has laid out before me. I just know that I love Him too much to screw Him over and not go with His perfect plans for me. And I know I am learning to love him who is included in said perfect plans. That's all.

A Positive Word

Believing is not seeing. I am not here to give the definitions for belief, faith, hope, and trust. All I know about all of these wonderful words is that they have a lot to do with not seeing. With being blind. With possibly looking stupid and being misunderstood or left to trust God despite how alone we may feel in the process. They require not being in control. They require us to keep going, maybe not even in the area that we are hoping, believing, having faith, or trusting God to move in. At times they require a lot of prayer and other times they require a lot of tears just for us to release whatever emotions we have been keeping in for too long. Everyday they require the Grace of God, lest we slip and fall into hopelessness, distrust, faithlessness, and disbelief. Moments of this are normal, but to fall into their darkened pit is not to be preferred.

I know that it is always worth it. It is always worth the risk of being hurt and it is always worth not feeling like things will turn out. We will not always understand; I think most of the time we won't. But God is a faithful Father, and He delights in giving us good and perfect gift.

So maybe I do not see or understand or even like how things are now; but there is always belief, faith, hope, and trust. And also, there's Love-- the kind that never disappoints, the kind that never fails.

I think I'm covered. I think we all are ;)

Different Worshippers and their Common Perk in Life

I have heard of intellectual worshippers before. I am pretty sure I initially assumed that the term was a nice way of saying, “You’re a scardy-cat.” Now I think very differently.

If an emotional worshipper ( and I assume that it what I would be coined) is someone who feeds off of feeling God’s Presence and having an emotional encounter with Him, then I assume an intellectual worshipper is one who feeds off of having new levels of understanding about God and having intellectual encounters with him. Hmm.

At least that’s what I thought. There are down sides to both: With an emotional worshipper, they may struggle whenever they don’t feel God. Also, they must learn how to go through life without feeling like everything is good and feeling like God will come through. On the other hand, an intellectual worshipper might struggle when they do not understand God. Along these same lines, they must learn how to of through life without understanding everything and understanding that although God will come through, it is on His terms, not ours.

I have always been an emotional worshipper, so life is basically over when I do not feel like everything is going dandily. Up until yesterday, that is. For the past few months I have had to keep going with the public face that everything is okay. Sometimes I felt the need to do this with my friends because it seemed idiotic to me to be down all the time. I was constantly urged to not meditate on the negative. “You can’t do that, you have to trust God. You have to think on all the good that has come out of this and know that good will come out of it.” To which I mentally responded, “Because every time something good came out of the pain and frustration, more bad trailed behind it. Yeah, so that makes perfect sense… Focus on the positive while life and God screw you over. Yeah… what an idea.” These things should not be uttered out loud, just to warn all of you. You will either cause them to draw back in surprise and hurt OR you will light their fire and they’ll repeat what they said in hopes that by hearing their lecture three more times you’ll get it through your skull. Both of these types of people love me dearly and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I needed to hear their words of encouragement and spurring on—even in lecture (a.k.a. emotional torture) form. I also needed to be left to hurt at some points, like yesterday. Yesterday I came home from church and driving around with some family members, and I had to stew in my room. I looked back over the day and realized that nothing had gone bad, nothing big. I also realized that I was livid. My heart had been broken (something I had to let happen for my own good) and I wanted to know what God expected me to do and to have the desire to do it. I was not happy with just getting by; what reassurance did I have that the next time He would be there to help me by again (like say, in the next five minutes??)?

I can say that two things have kept me going, kept me seeking Him, two reasons why I have not done a lick of homework, two reasons why I am joyful despite the frown you may see on my face right now: Obedience and taking an honest look at God’s Word. So if God told me to pray about something and I did not know what to pray or was afraid to pray (for fear that He’d answer… another story), I would ask Him to do as He willed to do in that area, life, situation. And when He nudged me to read His Word, I did so with brutal honesty… and was very much changed with the encounter. I believe that is when I began to appreciate intellectual worship. Because while my heart was a bloody mess of an organ, my mind was being renewed by Truth. It did not matter that bad things would continue to happen, it did not matter that my friends were so much more intelligent and hopeful than I, and it didn’t matter that my future husband was someone I was not too keen on praying for.  All that mattered was that God was who He said He was, and if He wanted to grow me up during this breaking season and tell me to trust and obey, well then by His Grace I was going to do just that.

There is hope for us emotionally and intellectually-based worshippers alike. His name is Jesus; head-bang into His Grace and find hope and life J