All of Me

If I had to choose one thing I was thankful for, it would be the beautiful Love of God, specifically in the area of my weaknesses. God does something profoundly captivating: when we are in the middle of our mess, weakness, hurts, shortcomings, snot-- He reaches down and sits beside us. He wraps His arms around us and calls us to rest in His arms, in His heart.

So many times this summer I have just felt completely at the end of my rope. Normally my thoughts go to things like: “Why am I here if this is how life is going to be?” “What’s the point of this?” “Why bother trying to be like You when I obviously fail miserably do often?” etc. I am not saying I have completely stopped such line of questioning; no, I still need the Holy Spirit to work on me in this area. However, thankfully, Jesus has been drawing me more and more to come to HIm with these audacious questions. We both know that complaining does not solve anything, are both aware that kicking and screaming (literally and figuratively) gets nothing accomplished. Even so, our Father God would much prefer us to come to HIm with our temper tantrums and cries than to face the alone.

I am aware that this song is not Christian, nor do all of the lyrics work in sounding like one from God to us, but when I hear certain parts (like “Even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too”) I know that the Lord wants me to know, even in my crap, weakness, and imperfections He so adores me and wants me to depend on Him to give me the Grace I need every moment of every day. And He wants that with all of us <3

"Great Is Your Faithfulness"

A friend of mine texted me to let me know that my prayers had been answered… for a family member of hers. Last week she had asked me to lift up some things to God and I have been for the past week. I don’t recall specifically what or how I prayed, but obviously God both heard and answered them. She sent me this long text about what He had been doing for them and it was quite an extensive list. And in my selfishness and bitterness I thought, “So You answer my prayers for others, but not for me.”

I have this desire to be honest with God, but even I knew that this thought was a bunch of crap. Sure, I can point out some areas that I have not yet seen God work in, areas that I have been praying about for YEARS, and the answers I have been looking for have yet to show their faces. My heart glances over all of the many ways that He has and still is coming through for me and focusses on the few unanswered, seemingly untouched areas of my life. How so like the heart; blind to all that is not as it would have things be. Well, as hurt and frustrated I am, and as much as I honestly want God to move in these areas, I refuse to be stuck on a situation that is not exactly as I would like it when I could be focussed on Jesus, the Faithful Lover of my soul.

The Holy Spirit led me to Lamentations 3. I use to read a few verses years ago, but I do not remember ever reading the whole chapter before. Well, I did today, and I encourage you, if you are feeling that God has screwed you over, I am here to tell You He has not. He is good. Read this passage and remember that it is titled “Great Is Your Faithfulness” for a very good reason.

Lamentations 3

English Standard Version (ESV)

Great Is Your Faithfulness

I am the man who has seen affliction

   under the rod of his wrath;

2 he has driven and brought me

   into darkness without any light;

3 surely against me he turns his hand

   again and again the whole day long.

4 He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;

   he has broken my bones;

5 he has besieged and enveloped me

   with bitterness and tribulation;

6 he has made me dwell in darkness

   like the dead of long ago.

7 He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;

   he has made my chains heavy;

8 though I call and cry for help,

   he shuts out my prayer;

9 he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;

   he has made my paths crooked.

10 He is a bear lying in wait for me,

   a lion in hiding;

11 he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces;

   he has made me desolate;

12 he bent his bow and set me

   as a target for his arrow.

13 He drove into my kidneys

   the arrows of his quiver;

14 I have become the laughingstock of all peoples,

   the object of their taunts all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitterness;

   he has sated me with wormwood.

16 He has made my teeth grind on gravel,

   and made me cower in ashes;

17 my soul is bereft of peace;

   I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;

18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;

   so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

   the wormwood and the gall!

20 My soul continually remembers it

   and is bowed down within me.

21 But this I call to mind,

   and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]

   his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

   great is your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

   “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

   to the soul who seeks him.

26 It is good that one should wait quietly

   for the salvation of the Lord.

27 It is good for a man that he bear

   the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence

   when it is laid on him;

29 let him put his mouth in the dust—

   there may yet be hope;

30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,

   and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not

   cast off forever,

32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion

   according to the abundance of his steadfast love;

33 for he does not afflict from his heart

   or grieve the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot

   all the prisoners of the earth,

35 to deny a man justice

   in the presence of the Most High,

36 to subvert a man in his lawsuit,

   the Lord does not approve.

37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,

   unless the Lord has commanded it?

38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High

   that good and bad come?

39 Why should a living man complain,

   a man, about the punishment of his sins?

40 Let us test and examine our ways,

   and return to the Lord!

41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands

   to God in heaven:

42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,

   and you have not forgiven.

43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,

   killing without pity;

44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud

   so that no prayer can pass through.

45 You have made us scum and garbage

   among the peoples.

46 “All our enemies

   open their mouths against us;

47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,

   devastation and destruction;

48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears

   because of the destruction of the daughter of my people.

49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,

   without respite,

50 until the Lord from heaven

   looks down and sees;

51 my eyes cause me grief

   at the fate of all the daughters of my city.

52 “I have been hunted like a bird

   by those who were my enemies without cause;

53 they flung me alive into the pit

   and cast stones on me;

54 water closed over my head;

   I said, ‘I am lost.’

55 “I called on your name, O Lord,

   from the depths of the pit;

56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close

   your ear to my cry for help!’

57 You came near when I called on you;

   you said, ‘Do not fear!’

58 “You have taken up my cause, O Lord;

   you have redeemed my life.

59 You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord;

   judge my cause.

60 You have seen all their vengeance,

   all their plots against me.

61 “You have heard their taunts, O Lord,

   all their plots against me.

62 The lips and thoughts of my assailants

   are against me all the day long.

63 Behold their sitting and their rising;

   I am the object of their taunts.

64 “You will repay them,[c] O Lord,

   according to the work of their hands.

65 You will give them[d] dullness of heart;

   your curse will be[e] on them.

66 You will pursue them[f] in anger and destroy them

   from under your heavens, O Lord.”

Saturday, May 31, 2014

My stomach is nauseous from the lies I’ve been intaking or far too long. It’s 2:37 am. I just want to sleep. I understand that some nights one may not be able to sleep, but I refuse to put up with this. Now anymore. Not when I know I have crossed a line into a place where I can finally negate the lies with truth.

Yes, I have gone 22 years without knowing that I am worth being sought after for who I am, not for what I can give. Okay. If that is going to break me then I might as well end it. If all I am worth is to make someone drool, then my value is eerily low. I’m not sure what the deal is but I do not I’m not going to pursue attention I get everyday all day, maybe just not in the way I would have asked for it. But when God blesses, he really does over do it.

I am wanted and pursued by the God of the entire universe; I am blessed beyond measure. And I am aware of love from more than I care to count, partially because I am lazy and want to sleep, partially because there really are a lot. My cup overflows. Yes, and even though I walk through the valley of lies, I will not fear evil, for He, the Author and Finisher of my faith is with me. I do not necessarily enjoy the pain, but neither will I cringe and fall under its grasp; the truth sets me free. I am single and I do not appear to be wanted in a romantic and respectable sense. But Someone deemed me wanted enough to give His Life so that I can live and live more abundantly, not wake up in the middle of the night hurting over something I have never had. So good night, night, and goodbye irrational thoughts. If it is God’s will, it will come about. No matter how you fear, little heart, you are loved more than You could ever comprehend. Pain, leave; joy and contentment, run free.

Love Yourself

“You are such an idiot.”

“Why did you do that-- were you not thinking?!”

“How long does it take to get this right?”

“Why bother trying harder? You’ll just fail again.”

“You can be so stupid sometimes.”

If most of us heard a girl saying this to a guy in the store, we’d either wonder why he was with her or why he didn’t tell her to shut up. If we heard someone speaking this way to an elderly person or a young child, most of us would view them as being verbally abusive. I realized this as I was thinking my typical self-degrading thoughts while driving this afternoon. The Lord stopped me and showed me what I had just thought, what I often think to myself, before asking me, “If you heard someone speaking this to someone else, how would you feel?” Disgust, concern, maybe even a slight loathing for that person. What right have they to speak to them in such a manner? Why would that person take their verbal abuse? If that were me, I wouldn’t put up with it! Oh... really?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

I have read and heard this verse and been told often that we love others the way we love ourselves. I have never been a huge fan of me, so I have tried to slightly modify my approach to myself to make sure I loved me and others well. To date, I have learned to justify my, uh, rough approach to me. “Oh, I am just hard on myself because if I’m not, I fear I won’t do my best.” “Oh, I am a perfectionist; I like to do things right.” “I use to be so much weaker, more sensitive, etc, but I am growing, and the progress is a result of my ‘reality checks’.” But then, I can’t talk to people this way. And, more often than not, I do not have the desire to approach anyone other than myself in this manner. Most times.

My roommate and friend let me know recently that sometimes I can come off rough, my comments can be rude. She and I briefly discussed this and I explained that this was a result of frustration, apologizing for my rudeness and telling her I would try to do better. But when I thought more about her comment, the Holy Spirit showed me that those moments of harsh commenting or rude/rough talk is not all that uncommon to me. It is the same thing I hear everyday, almost consistently, from myself. Oh, it is not always easy to pick up on, not nearly as easy to notice as it was a few years ago when I was in high school (and my self-loathing meter was off the chart). But I hear this talk in my “self-motivation sessions”. Whenever I remind myself how weak and ignorant I am, how the world is a horrible place and if I’m going to survive I need to grow up. I need to put my “big girl pants on and wake up”. I need to do this and that to improve, to be better, to get by in life, to achieve, to thrive.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best I can be. But we cannot possibly believe that we can speak such negative, harsh “truths” to ourselves, then turn around and love God and others correctly. At the end of the day, if I am honest, just like I expect myself to be perfect, I expect others to be so as well. If I make a promise and keep it, God and everyone else better NOT go back on their word to me. If I mess up, well obviously I did not work nearly as hard as I should to get the results I wanted; and you, well, looks like you’ve been slacking in a certain area as well… What’s a bit more deceptive is when we actually outwardly treat others well: say the right things, do the right things, even have the heart intention to treat others the right way. But if our hearts are not right towards ourselves as individuals, that self-hatred will leak into our treatment and view of others.

What if the Scripture was read this way: “You shall verbally abuse  your neighbor as yourself.” Or, “You shall harshly judge your neighbor as yourself.” Or even “You shall “toughen up” your neighbor as yourself.” All of the sudden, the “harsh truths” we speak to ourselves don’t sound quite as acceptable. All of the sudden, those “truths” show their true colors and become verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not saying that we need to go around hugging ourselves, being self-absorbed and never dying to self. As Christ-followers, God has called us to live holy, set-apart, uncomfortable lives. We are called to give of our time, our emotions, our energy for the glory of God and the uplifting, encouragement, reproof, and altogether love of others. But if we cannot see ourselves as God sees us, this affects how we see our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow human beings on this earth, even God. If I cannot allow myself to be-- to just live, seek God, and do good without condemning myself for my mistakes, shortcoming, and failures-- there is no way I can allow anyone else to be himself.

I have not arrived, friends, Not at all. In fact, I have far to go in this, as well as many other, areas. AND THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to go back to school soon and not feel like I’m ready. It is okay to wish I could stay home and be safe and protected and sheltered. It is okay to wish that I were married so that I finally stop longing for it. It is okay to wish I were stronger so the next year or so of my life did not look so scary. It is even okay for me to wish better for and of those in my life. BUT what is best is when I take all of these concerns, worries, fears, and shortcomings to God and say, “Today, by Your Grace, I choose to see myself the way You see me.” What is best is if I look at others and say, “Today, by His Grace, I choose to see you the way God sees you.”

We are created in God’s image by a Father who loved us enough to give His life for us while we had no intention or capability of loving him, others, or ourselves the way we should. Let us come before our loving Saviour and ask for the Grace and Wisdom to see and love ourselves as He has created us to, so that we may better love Him and others.

Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25

Thoughts

Saturday, January 4, 2013

Do you know how humbling it is to be loved? To be told that you are going to be cared for, protected, sheltered, romanced, held-- all when you have done nothing to deserve to be? Do you know what it is like to have someone take your hand every time you feel broken and are bleeding all over the place. And you don’t deserve it in the least, but they love you fully, wholly, without condition.

That’s God’s love for us. And, a miracle too beyond me to understand, He uses people to showcase that love. Not perfectly, yet just as we need it. It’s beautiful and painful, and I do not understand it. But it is still real. Don't waste the opportunity to be loved.

Christmas Break Goal Day 3- Facing the Giants

Today I watched Facing the Giants, and by the end I had joyful tears in my eyes,

I have seen this movie several times, but by allowing myself to really take in what it meant for both Grant, his wife, and the school body that he was a part of come from years of defeat (as a whole as well as personally) to the times of triumph and victory, I was blessed with a visual of God’s faithfulness to His children.

What stuck out to me the most was the scene where a man came to the coach and read Revelation 3:8 to him: “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me.” He then proceeded to tell Grant that God would come through for those who prepared for God’s provision. In other words, it is one thing to ask God for the needed finances, food, or any kind of provision, and an altogether another thing to live as if one believes God will come through. To not speak negatively about what we are trusting Him for, to wait with expectation and hope. I can’t tell you how many times God had God has given me Scriptures about hope and waiting on Him with patience. SOmetimes this requires us to be still and know that He is God, faithful and trustworthy. But I am learning that most of the time it means to live this out. It does not always feel good, it may make us look and sound dumb, but from what God’s Word tells us, and from what I am learning, it is well worth the humiliation and heartache to persevere with a joyful, thankful heart.

I have a few Scriptures I would like to share with you, but I do not want to overwhelm you with words that may not mean anything right now. So instead, I will leave you with the some practical advice that the Holy Spirit has been constantly reminding me of lately: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7 :)

He is beyond faithful!