Repetition

My pillow pet gets the kisses I would give my future husband. For that matter, it gets his hugs to. This is not needed information but what does it matter. I have spent more nights crying because I was lonely than I can count, and I do feel pathetic (even though I know I am not the only one). I do not know why I can’t just get over it like everyone else seems to do so well. I do not know why it bothers me so much. But at least I can understand why guys chase after girls who have no interest in them; well, I guess I know. Maybe I know why some do. And I understand why girls walk by certain coffee places to flirt with guys whom they have intention getting involved with at all… that I know I understand. Not that I have done what. I actually haven’t. I’ve just thought of doing it.

How long until I find complete contentment? Then a guy will come and try to win my heart and I’ll take off my shoe and throw it at him because he’s come at a very inopportune time. Where were you a year, a month, three days ago when I actually wished you were here? Oh, busy having a life; I’m sorry for not being more understanding. I lied, I’m really not.

My pillow pet is so much easier to communicate with on my own terms. When I want a hug, I get one. When I want to cuddle, we do. When I want to ignore it because I’m bitter and I don’t feel like showing it the affection I am not shown, I let it sit on my bed unnoticed and alone. I bet it understand why I’m single a little better than I do.

This is an encouraging post. I know there are worse things than being single but I refuse to allow myself to forget what it’s like and therefore lose all empathy for the teenagers and young adults I will encounter in years to come. So for the future me I declare to you these truths: Being lonely or single or whatever you want to call it hurts. And no, it is not the same pain as one feels when they lose a family member or when they are laid off or when they are beaten, but it is pain. Last time I checked, pain hurt. A lot. And when it persists on coming back again and again, it hurts all the more and tempts one to become bitter and flirt with coffee shop guys.

I do not understand why I or anyone else has to go through this. Does God feel lonely? That’s hard for me to imagine. Does He feel neglected and abandoned? Probably; just looking at the way I treat Him on the day-to-day, I can see how He could feel that way. For that matter, we all feel that way. And empathy is a powerful thing. In the Bible is says to pray for those who are persecuted as if we were being persecuted. I am sure that in the middle of a beating, torture session, or simply lying in jail for months upon months, one is likely to feel lonely, abandoned, or neglected. So maybe being single and feeling this way is a great opportunity to pray for those who are being persecuted as well as for others who are single. Maybe it is a great opportunity to look outside of ourselves and up to a God who is Faithful and real and here no matter how we feel. Maybe it’s a great opportunity to get over ourselves because, the last time I checked, obsessing over how lonely I feel never made me feel better, just worse. More pathetic. More alone. More… blah.

On that note, being married does not solve everything; married people feel lonely to. I tend to ignore that small factor since they’re allowed to have sex whenever they and so that must solve all the world’s deepest problems. But you know, I’m starting to think that may not be so. So in the midst of our bitter jealousy or blinded loneliness, we can pray for those in our lives who are married too. Yes, they have less time for us single folk and no they cannot empathize with us in the same way. But they are human; and so they feel loneliness. That does not sound nearly as nice as it could, but bear with me, k?

So, get over yourself, pray for others, and worship Jesus based on who He is, not on how you feel. And know as you are doing all of this that you are not alone; I’m doing this with you.