Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25

I Don't Like This

And I know the practical thing is to look at You and trust You and then do my part. But my part requires me to not do what I have dreamed of doing, those same dreams You have given me. I know it is about waiting for Your perfect timing. The time for things as they have always been has passed. I guess I am saying that I do not like Your will.

But, after all complaining has been said and done, and the tears of anger and doubt and bitterness has been cried out, I look at You and I see Faithfulness shining from Your Face. I see Wisdom in Your eyes and Love in Your arms. I see goodness in Your heart. I notice the Challenge to Trust You in Your Will for my life, that Will that I am not too fond of. And I hear hope for something better in Your promises that whisper in my ear. I do not understand and I do not like what I see, but I do love You, and even if I didn't, I know You Love me.

So, basically what I'm saying is, I have no excuse not to trust or follow or worship.

A Positive Word

Believing is not seeing. I am not here to give the definitions for belief, faith, hope, and trust. All I know about all of these wonderful words is that they have a lot to do with not seeing. With being blind. With possibly looking stupid and being misunderstood or left to trust God despite how alone we may feel in the process. They require not being in control. They require us to keep going, maybe not even in the area that we are hoping, believing, having faith, or trusting God to move in. At times they require a lot of prayer and other times they require a lot of tears just for us to release whatever emotions we have been keeping in for too long. Everyday they require the Grace of God, lest we slip and fall into hopelessness, distrust, faithlessness, and disbelief. Moments of this are normal, but to fall into their darkened pit is not to be preferred.

I know that it is always worth it. It is always worth the risk of being hurt and it is always worth not feeling like things will turn out. We will not always understand; I think most of the time we won't. But God is a faithful Father, and He delights in giving us good and perfect gift.

So maybe I do not see or understand or even like how things are now; but there is always belief, faith, hope, and trust. And also, there's Love-- the kind that never disappoints, the kind that never fails.

I think I'm covered. I think we all are ;)

Different Worshippers and their Common Perk in Life

I have heard of intellectual worshippers before. I am pretty sure I initially assumed that the term was a nice way of saying, “You’re a scardy-cat.” Now I think very differently.

If an emotional worshipper ( and I assume that it what I would be coined) is someone who feeds off of feeling God’s Presence and having an emotional encounter with Him, then I assume an intellectual worshipper is one who feeds off of having new levels of understanding about God and having intellectual encounters with him. Hmm.

At least that’s what I thought. There are down sides to both: With an emotional worshipper, they may struggle whenever they don’t feel God. Also, they must learn how to go through life without feeling like everything is good and feeling like God will come through. On the other hand, an intellectual worshipper might struggle when they do not understand God. Along these same lines, they must learn how to of through life without understanding everything and understanding that although God will come through, it is on His terms, not ours.

I have always been an emotional worshipper, so life is basically over when I do not feel like everything is going dandily. Up until yesterday, that is. For the past few months I have had to keep going with the public face that everything is okay. Sometimes I felt the need to do this with my friends because it seemed idiotic to me to be down all the time. I was constantly urged to not meditate on the negative. “You can’t do that, you have to trust God. You have to think on all the good that has come out of this and know that good will come out of it.” To which I mentally responded, “Because every time something good came out of the pain and frustration, more bad trailed behind it. Yeah, so that makes perfect sense… Focus on the positive while life and God screw you over. Yeah… what an idea.” These things should not be uttered out loud, just to warn all of you. You will either cause them to draw back in surprise and hurt OR you will light their fire and they’ll repeat what they said in hopes that by hearing their lecture three more times you’ll get it through your skull. Both of these types of people love me dearly and I am blessed to have them in my life.

I needed to hear their words of encouragement and spurring on—even in lecture (a.k.a. emotional torture) form. I also needed to be left to hurt at some points, like yesterday. Yesterday I came home from church and driving around with some family members, and I had to stew in my room. I looked back over the day and realized that nothing had gone bad, nothing big. I also realized that I was livid. My heart had been broken (something I had to let happen for my own good) and I wanted to know what God expected me to do and to have the desire to do it. I was not happy with just getting by; what reassurance did I have that the next time He would be there to help me by again (like say, in the next five minutes??)?

I can say that two things have kept me going, kept me seeking Him, two reasons why I have not done a lick of homework, two reasons why I am joyful despite the frown you may see on my face right now: Obedience and taking an honest look at God’s Word. So if God told me to pray about something and I did not know what to pray or was afraid to pray (for fear that He’d answer… another story), I would ask Him to do as He willed to do in that area, life, situation. And when He nudged me to read His Word, I did so with brutal honesty… and was very much changed with the encounter. I believe that is when I began to appreciate intellectual worship. Because while my heart was a bloody mess of an organ, my mind was being renewed by Truth. It did not matter that bad things would continue to happen, it did not matter that my friends were so much more intelligent and hopeful than I, and it didn’t matter that my future husband was someone I was not too keen on praying for.  All that mattered was that God was who He said He was, and if He wanted to grow me up during this breaking season and tell me to trust and obey, well then by His Grace I was going to do just that.

There is hope for us emotionally and intellectually-based worshippers alike. His name is Jesus; head-bang into His Grace and find hope and life J

Perfect?

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” James 1:17 NKJV

I have wondered for years how this could be true. Take, for example, a dream job (notice my very obvious attempt to stay away from the subject of… well, you know). No matter how much one has longed for, prayed for, or worked for that dream job, and even when God blesses one with it, is that job really perfect? Are there not rude and selfish people one must encounter? Are there not aspects of said job that leave one drained and wondering if it worth it. Sure, in the end one may come to realize it is indeed worth it; still I would wonder, why the struggle if this good and perfect gift is from God.

Finally after wondering for so long, the Holy Spirit revealed to me, “The gift is perfect because it comes from God, not because it is in and of itself without flaw. God gives it its worth just like He gives you your worth.” Well, that made a lot more sense! I’m sorry fro the revisiting of this subject, but take, for example, a spouse. God can bless one’s love story and if you and your significant other follow His intended plan, both husband and wife can come to realize that their spouse is in fact a good and perfect gift from God. This is not, however, because the person you are marrying is without a flaw, without their nuances and pet peeves. However, it does mean that because they are someone God has ordained you to be with that, by closely following His lead and trusting His direction, you can have a love story that is worth the pain, disagreements and hardships you will be bound to face.

This goes for every “good and perfect gift from above”. God is very much in the way of giving good and perfect gifts because He Himself is good and perfect. Our job is to rejoice in Him and always remember that it is Him we are serving, Loving, and praising NOT the gift. He deserves our relentless gaze of appreciation. The gift should, without a doubt, be cherished and honored, but it does not deserve our undivided attention. Our Heavenly Father does.

To God be the glory for every good and perfect gift He gives, for Who He is in and of Himself—good and perfect! Hallelujah!

Some Kind of Fear

I am not sure when it began, but at some point in my past I began to fear being clingy. It may have started when I was in high school and saw how emotional and illogical I was. With all the mistakes I made, with the high standard others held me to, and with the scars and shortcomings I saw so plainly, I developed this fear of being one of those people who unload all of their crap on others and walk off with a grin because (temporarily) their shoulders are lighter. There is a time to unload and a time to give the sparks notes version and, finally, a time to keep quiet. I have always preferred the quiet approach or sparks notes…

Apparently I have a problem with talking about my problems. I have noticed this lately; my tendency to always present things in a way that makes it seem as if, as bad as things may feel or be, because I am a Christian, I must have a great attitude about it. This weekend I went on a retreat with my small group from church. The night after the first service we talked about what most stuck out to us most during the sermon/talk. As everyone was going around, I felt this anger just swell up inside of me, and it scared me. Being emotional is one thing; being emotional and feeling like you have to keep it all in is… frightening.

"What about you, Alex, what did you get out of service?" I was honest. After the three hour session, what hit me the most was the brief discussion that was had concerning anger. I had realized that I was angry because I have come to believe the lie the enemy was telling me that I had to be there for everyone but no one would be there for me. That was not true at all; I could think of two wonderful people who I talk to about the majority of what goes on in my life. I told my small group about one in particular.

"But do you tell them everything?" Of course not! Why would I tell anyone everything!?

"Well, everyone needs someone they can tell everything to, who they can go to and just unload." Yeah, duh! His name is Jesus. Heard of Him? Well, I didn't say that because I knew they weren't going to take that. Everyone seemed surprised that I did not have that one person whom I could go to to tell everything to. Seriously, what human being can anyone go to to tell everything to? So I was honest.

"I don't want to be clingy." You should have seen the looks of incredulous disbelief at my reason for why I choose not to divulge my life story to anyone in particular. Seriously.

"Alexandria, you are the farthest thing from clingy." I can't tell you how many times I heard this that night. It made me feel very good about myself. It also made me realize that in my attempts to not be clingy, I inadvertently made myself kept more than I should.  But I tell so and so this and I talk to so and so quite often, I tell myself and God. And I do. But to tell everything I feel, everything I go through to a human being? Um… what? If I did that to a human being, they would run away in horror. They can go to bed that night and realize that I am too much for them to handle. Yeah, I don't think so. What human being can handle all of me?

What took me by surprise was that this was not just the high school girls who were voicing their concern at my confession. There were also my college friends and 40 year old small group leaders. One in particular voiced a realization she had just had in the midst of our talking/my therapy session.

"I'd always admired your ability to talk to God so honestly. You would argue with Him and just be real and now I know why." At this point, I had no idea what this had to do with my telling my life story to another human being and then continuing to let them in on my mess as time wore on. "You know that He will never leave you." Ah… connection made.

And that was exactly right. Of course I can argue with, wrestle with, yell at, curse at (not curse, but curse at, like, "Heck no I'm not going through this cow poop") God; He's God. He is Love, He is perfect, and He is strong enough to handle my cow poop. But what human being is able to handle it? What human being would willingly handle my story, and then stick around to find out what else life has for me as the years go by?

I am so scared. Not because my small group said I need to have someone to talk to and be honest with or because I am considering the fact that they might be right. No, I'm scared because while all this conversation was going on, God was speaking. And I was not comfortable with what He is saying.

I have spent the last… let's see, how old was I in Kindergarten? I have spent the last 16 years wanting a guy to notice me. Yeah, I started young. Ever since prit and prat walked around the kindergarten classroom with hunky boy in between them and prit told me that I liked him but let me know that I was wasting my little emotions on someone who could never like me back… I have been longing to be liked back. In fact, it has probably only been in the last two or three weeks that I have had a stable desire to not date for such an extended period of time. Not because I have given up on hope but because I have found a much greater, stronger, and more stable Love than the kind I had been seeking since I was 5. However, if this is true, why do I not just trust this greater, stronger, and more stable Love when He tells me He has someone for me? Honestly, because the possibility of that coming true does not look too good. I am not saying that the second God brings this person in my life that they will hear my life story from conception til the now. However, I am not sure I can wrap my mind around how this person can handle me on the whole… I am not sure I can even handle myself.

I've spent a good portion of my life afraid of being too much, and have succeeded in not being so (most of the time). Oh, I know when I've made someone tired; I've seen the look in a family member’s eyes as I have let go of my burden with them and watched them feel the weight. I have called my dear Grandma two days in a row and promised myself the third day I would not burden her with my mess until I got a handle on things. And I have had others lay their burdens on my shoulders without caring how their weight has greatly increased my own. I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a weight. I don't want to be left alone.

But you know what? If I'm going to survive, I'm going to have to be vulnerable. Whenever God brings that person into my life, I am going to have to be a weight, a bother, a me. And, in turn, I pray that they are that to me. But, even more, I pray that, after we unload, we turn to our Heavenly Father, our great, strong, and stable Lover of our Souls. And I pray that, everyday of our lives, from now until forever, we grow deeper and more grounded in His great, inexhaustible Love for us. Hallelujah.

Another Boy Blog

I know I overanalyze things and I know I have talked about this before, but I am going to say this all again with a prayer that God uses these words to encourage, open the eyes of, maybe even knock the head off of some of His wonderful yet ignorant children J

I spent my high school years believing that guys either 1) Didn’t notice me, 2) Noticed my friends… and not me, or 3) Weren’t good enough for me. Now I know you could say, “Honey, at least you haven’t been through the 1, 5, or 60 break-ups that I’ve been through!” And yes, you are right in your insinuation that I have avoided that kind of pain. However there was another kind of pain I could have avoided and did not. You see, maybe it’s just me (it’s not just me) but being single can really suck. Yes, I said the s word. There are a couple of things that suck about it (I must really like numbering things today…)

1)      It hurts. We were made to be “joined as one” to someone of the opposite sex within marriage, and once those desires are awakened, they are like a huge beast of a newborn that wails day and night about how much it wants… whatever beastly newborns wail about wanting but can’t have and so they scream and scream and scream and pretty soon you begin to scream because you’ve done all that you know to do to shut it up but it won’t!

2)      It’s distracting. Yes, I just said that being single is distracting. I know I am NOT the only who has paused in their time of doing homework to contemplate why Johnny just doesn’t seem to notice me. I mean, I looked so cute today. Even some of the other guy noticed, and although that would normally make me so giddy, right now it just flames the question of why Johnny only smiled and waved instead of coming over and saying hi…

3)      It’s annoying. If you’re like me, when you were or as you are in high school and are dealing with these ridiculously unreasonable emotions concerning guys, you will spend half of your time wondering why Johnny doesn’t like you and the other half wondering why you are so shallow as to obsess over a guy when there are wars, starving children, and suicides every day. I know, you feel like scum right now. We just have so much in common!

I wish I had something to say to make your life instantly not so self-centered (because realistically, this is a very self-centered, albeit common, mindset). And I am sorry that you are crushing on a guy who won’t look your way or that has looked your way but not the way you hope he would or has looked your way the way you hoped he would but then glanced back at his girlfriend who is NOT good enough for him when YOU could do SO MUCH BETTER! Not that I’VE ever felt that way… because I have—

I’ve been through this with Jesus too many times to count, so here is the conclusion and it will not make you as happy as you may like but you need it so here it is:

You are single. Forever. Okay, that’s all, thanks for reading!

But seriously, I know it sucks being single. I have been for most of my 21 years. However, there is so much more to life. Friends, family, school, work, dreams, chillaxation time, and (you knew it was coming) Jesus. Now, the reason why I have waited so long to include him is because of this: maybe it is just me (*wink, wink) but sometimes when we call on Jesus we do not always hear his response. For me, that is one of the most devastating feelings in the world, reaching out to my ever-present Father and Lover of my soul and coming back with the same aching feeling I was trying to give up to him. I don’t understand God or his ways. I don’t understand why he would allow a desire to be awakened in me that he wants me to allow him to fulfill in his time. And I don’t understand why he wants to spend time with me every day only to then send me off with an, “Okay, now I want you to lean on me throughout the day and listen to my voice. And if you don’t feel me with you or you don’t hear me speaking to you when you cry out to me, don’t freak out. I am in control.” Mhh, yeah… really?!

You know what I’ve found, though. At the end of the day, he is still there Whether or not you feel him, whether or not you hear him, he is still in control. And he wants you to come to him. It won’t always be within the context of a worship service-high. It won’t always feel like those warm embraces you look forward to when you normally come to the throne of God. But do we solely love him based off of how he makes us feel? Can we still love a perfect, Holy, Loving, and Faithful God even when it does not look like he is all of those things?

Jesus not only deserves all we have to give him, he also wants it. We are wanted, we are loved. And I know some if not a good portion of you are reading this and saying, yeah, that’s NOT what I wanted to hear. Well, it’s the truth. And you know what they say about that, it’ll set you free ;)

I pray that everyone who’s reading this and struggling with accepting this truth will have a conversation with God or a reliable friend or mentor who will confirm to them that he is worth the sacrifices, pain, and questions we experience every day. I could end by saying it will all work out! And I do believe it will. But right now I am here, feeling God (after three days of pure numbness) but still wondering why he keeps telling me, “The sky is blue” and all I hear everyone else saying, thinking, or believing is that is white with blue clouds. I know that may not seem like a big deal, but if you have ever looked up and seen a pure blue sky compared to a pure white one, you know the difference… and the difference can hurt sometimes.

Okay, I’m done talking in code. Go pursue Jesus; he is worth your time and pain. If you don’t believe me, go back and read what he suffered for you. Us. We.

He woke me up at 6:41 this morning...

Walking in faith is not the same as simply walking on the ground. If you feel like "stepping out in faith" is synonymous to stepping out onto thin air, you're wrong. God is our solid rock; unlike our ground here on earth, we do not always feel Him. Also unlike our ground here on earth, He is a lot more faithful and stable.

"Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
²³ They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”
-Lamentations 3:22-24

Faith...

An awesome aspect of walking out our faith in God is that we move from the mindset and heart-set of, "Okay, this feel right" to "I don't give a flying fig tree how this feels, I know what my Daddy said and I'm moving forward with Him, trusting that He is as faithful today as He has been every day of His existence."

"He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. Romans 4:20-21 NKJV

Into Daddy's Arms

"Yes, I see it all now:
    I’m the Lord’s maid, ready to serve.
Let it be with me
    just as you say."

Luke 1:37

I see now that I do not fully understand what it must have felt like to entrust one's future to God like Mary did. She had the options of obeying God and carrying His child in her womb at the risk of her life and reputation or she could turn away from such a risk and preserve both. But she took a leap of faith into her Daddy's arms and He came through. She responded like we all need to in moments of desperation, pain, and the promise of hope at the hands of our merciful and compassionate Father.

"Yes, Daddy, I see how this situation should work: I belong to You, and I serve You. However You say things need to be, let them be so."

Trust does not always feel good in the moment, dear, but look to God. He is FAITHFUL. Read the rest of the story ;)

Rambling on about faith, trust, and why I’m awake at 4 in the morning when I’m not supposed to get up for another hour…

I don’t like people to know when I am down or feeling weak for two main reasons. One, I feel like I’m expected to be okay. Two, most of the time people aren’t able to be there for me, so it’s easier to just keep the deep, hard things to myself…

So once again God has awakened me in the early hours of the morning to talk to me. Only this time He’s not just informing me about our normal 4/5 in the morning conversations, but He is providing me with the opportunity to filter through whatever it is that is holding me back from trusting Him. I do not trust Him, and what is slightly ironic is that I had convinced myself I trusted Him.

What’s not to trust? God of the universe, Lover of my soul, Faithful Friend, the ONLY One who is ALWAYS there for me when I need Him. Seriously, what is there not to trust? Why do I struggle so badly? Well, maybe the fact that what God is promising me is ridiculously beautiful, and unlike my friend with whom I had a wonderful conversation the other day, I cannot embrace this. Not love, not an amazing career opportunity that I am now working toward. Why not??? …fear…

A month or two ago, Daddy let me know that when I am married my husband will not ALWAYS be there for me when I needed him, and He gave me the opportunity to learn early what it is like to lean on Him for my every comfort, fulfillment, and provision, whether that be directly from Him or through a human being. Well, over breaks such as the one I’m on now I get to do that explicitly; with both parents working and not able to give their college-aged daughter the attention she needs (and, yes, it slightly rankles my pride to know that I still want and need my parents attention and care as an adult, but it only hurts because I need it and feel as if they can’t give to me as much as I need because of their schedules) I have a great opportunity to do so. But away from friends and peers that I am use to seeing and hanging out with on a fairly regular basis during school, it is a huge contrast being back at home.

Do you know what it is like to get a really good hug? I don’t mean a romantic one, but a nice, warm, loving hug that you feel in your heart. I’d like one of those right now, but for some reason Heaven (my pillow pet/son) isn't cutting it right now.

And now I’m at that place where I am hurting so badly that my arms are numb and I have to blow my nose every five minutes so I can breathe. This is why I don’t share my blog with family and friends; I don’t like most people in my life to know when I struggle because they cannot always be there for me when I need them. Yes, I am aware that no human being is able to be there for any human being at every time they are needed, and I know it is wrong to lock people out because of their humanness, but it hurts so badly to reach out and find someone there sometimes but not there all the time. I don’t want another reason to hurt…

And although I know that is wrong and I know that God is faithful and I know He will help me through all of this and will bring someone to help me carry the burden a few more steps… and although there are still tears in my eyes and I’ll have to blow my nose again… I’m at peace. This is a part of my faith in God I wish I could help people who do not believe to understand: I am not happy right now, but I am so full of joy and hope. I see no practical reason to stay alive when life consists of this kind of pain; but I rejoice at the thought of having the Grace to see another day. I do not understand how love does any good when it can’t be expressed in the way one wants it to be for reasons that cannot and should not be altered at the time, but I know that loving is exactly what I am doing right now because although I see nothing in it for me any time soon, I still desire to live out my care. That, my dear friends, is the beauty of God. In all of this… crap, there is a hope, joy, and love I cannot deny, and let me tell you, it came from no human being, no chemical reaction in my brain, and no practical reasoning I can summon. Even in the midst of this lonely, seemingly pointless Christmas break, I can sincerely smile and be thankful to be alive. Why? Because God is faithful, He is Love, and He is righteous.

And that is something I neither want to ever forget nor keep to myself. Something I was reminded of as I listened to S.O.’s cd So It Continues is that growing in Christ does not entail us becoming stronger and more able to handle life on our own as mature, capable adults. In contrast, it consists of us growing in Christ’s strength, which means we grow in our ability and tendency to run directly to our Daddy when something goes right, wrong, or horribly wrong, curl up in His arms and express our need for Him, rejoice in His righteousness and faithfulness, and all the while live out our relationship with Him, more determined each day to love Him, always being sincere and open with God, others, and ourselves. Our weakness is for our and others’ benefit, and this is saying something, seeing as I thrive to know that I can be as adult like as my friends and peers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing being an adult; adulthood is not a sin. But when we are focused on how capable we are and how far we’ve come and how much stronger we our… leaving God and all He has done for and in us out of the picture, that’s when the problem arises.

Otay, this probably doesn’t have the greatest flow, but I’m out solely to live out my relationship with my Savior Daddy and be broken for His glory and for the benefit of others and myself.

Good morning :D 

Faithful Lover

Something I LOVE about my Heavenly Father is that I can be longing for a human romance, go to Him and worship Him to let Him know that I love Him, and He ALWAYS meets me where I am. I may not always feel it as strongly as at other times,  but He ALWAYS meets me. I don’t have to cry on my pillow and feel alone, I don’t have to search for a substitute while I wait for whoever God has for me, and I do not have to find another imperfect and temporary source of fulfillment. I just run to the arms of my Father and tell Him, “Even though I don’t have that human romance right now, I recognize that I have You, and You are enough. I love You, Daddy!”

God is beautiful, amazing, fulfilling, and ENOUGH. He is love; pursue Him!

W0rship

“Life is full of light and shadow

O the joy and O the sorrow

O the sorrow

And yet will He bring

Dark to light

And yet will He bring

Day from night”

-David Crowder Band, “Shadows”

Victory comes in our praises. I’ve heard that for years and have believed it off and on for years and now I know it’s true. What can be annoying about praising God is that sometimes, while we are joyously singing His praises, we may not feel like doing it. It’s like a husband and wife learning the art of intimacy—we have to learn to worship God because it is a part of our relationship with Him. And just like intimacy can take work and effort, so, sometimes, praising our faithful Father takes work and effort.

I cannot explain to you how much I would feel like cow poop—just a few years ago—lifting up my hands to God and singing about how glorious He was when I would much prefer to go play in traffic. Yes, I know that’s horrible, but it’s true. At the same time I remember thatr after a while I would completely forget about the highway and all of my problems because I was caught up in how truly glorious and faithful my Father is! It’s amazing how the victory is truly won when we let God know that even though it seems, feels, looks like, and may be the worst day of our entire lives thus far, we trust Him to work it out for our good and bring us through alive and well.

And guess what? Sometimes when we’ve worship, cried, and leaped in the air out of pure ecstasy, things may very well seem, look, and feel like they did before we gave everything to our Father. HOWEVER, the key is to keep trusting Him and continue speaking out of faith, not out of emotion. Because, my dear friends, what we see is temporal, but what we do not see is eternal... (2 Corinthians 4:18).

Context:

2 Corinthians 3:7-5:8

Glory of the New Covenant

7 But if the ministry of death, written and engraved on stones, was glorious, so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of the glory of his countenance, which glory was passing away, 8 how will the ministry of the Spirit not be more glorious? 9 For if the ministry of condemnation had glory, the ministry of righteousness exceeds much more in glory. 10 For even what was made glorious had no glory in this respect, because of the glory that excels. 11 For if what is passing away was glorious, what remains is much more glorious.

12 Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech— 13 unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face so that the children of Israel could not look steadily at the end of what was passing away. 14 But their minds were blinded. For until this day the same veil remains unlifted in the reading of the Old Testament, because the veil is taken away in Christ. 15 But even to this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies on their heart. 16 Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

The Light of Christ’s Gospel

4 Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart. 2 But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 3 But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, 4 whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. 5 For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

Cast Down but Unconquered

7 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. 8 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed— 10 always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. 11 For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. 12 So then death is working in us, but life in you.

13 And since we have the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “I believed and therefore I spoke,”[a] we also believe and therefore speak, 14 knowing that He who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus, and will present us with you. 15 For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many, may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.

Seeing the Invisible

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

Assurance of the Resurrection

5 For we know that if our earthly house, this tent, is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2 For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed with our habitation which is from heaven, 3 if indeed, having been clothed, we shall not be found naked. 4 For we who are in this tent groan, being burdened, not because we want to be unclothed, but further clothed, that mortality may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who also has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

6 So we are always confident, knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord. 7 For we walk by faith, not by sight. 8 We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.¹

Footnote: ¹www.biblegateway.com

C0ntentment and Stability

Today I woke up to my Father’s arms around me, and it was beautiful because it’s a feeling I have longed for for forever. Even so, in the midst of feeling loved, I have this tendency to wander away from the Source of my strength.

God’s love is constant; that’s something I cannot wrap my mind around because I don’t know anyone or anything else that is constant. In my generation, everything changes quickly. From music styles to iPhones to someone’s love interest to my view of God—there seems to be no keeping up.

Am I the only one who feels the need, after an extended period of time of being at peace and sensing God’s Love, to find something different to fill the hole in my heart—that God-shaped hole. I want something new, something tangible, something that feels different; I stop pursuing, stop seeking, because I don’ feel like I need Him anymore. But then something bad, scary, or life-changing happens… and I need my Daddy again. Really?

“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.” Deuteronomy 6:4

In one of the books from my Bible classes, I learned that this verse, which is repeated throughout Deuteronomy, speaks on God’s consistent character ¹. He is never-changing, He is constant. There is no “God of the Old Testament” and “God of the New Testament”. There is One God, YHWH, and every time I type, read, or really thinking about that, my world comes to a stop and it’s as if everything in me recognizes this statement they haven’t heard for a long time.

God, You have been so good. Father, I don’t know why it is that You have the desire to reach out to me the way You do, but I could never be thankful enough. Daddy, don’t let me walk away from Your arms. Incline my heart to Yours so that “all my delight is in You Lord”². I am not saying that people, or even things, are bad. However, when we start obsessing over who we need to be surrounded by right now, how it doesn't feel the same when I don’t have A, B, and C with me—that’s when the problem arises. If what Christ offered us when He died on the cross was a relationship, why do we neglect what we have with our Savior when we need Him the most?

All in all, I know better than to run away from Him, no matter how hyper, discontent, or whatever I am in the moment. Family and friends—golly, even material things—are a blessing, and I will cherish the people and be thankful for the objects while they are in my life. However, I know who my Constant is, and I will spend my life pursuing Him and giving Him my love :D

Footnote:

 ¹ Arnold, B.T. & Beyer, B. E. (2008). Encountering the Old Testament: A Christian survey. p.146. Grand Rapids:MI. BakerAcademic.

² Hillsong, “None But Jesus”, http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/hillsongunited/nonebutjesus.html

Hum0r

For months now God has been teaching me the art of resting in Him, constantly lecturing me on how I’m always wanting to “do” for Him and how, oftentimes, He wants me to simply be with Him. I’d habitually say things like, “But what is resting in You doing?”, “How exactly am I accomplishing anything?”, or the most repeated, “God, I don’t know how to just be with You. Shouldn't I be doing things for other people and showing them Your Love?” I had a horrible case of the “Grace-by-Works” syndrome and, by His Grace alone, I’m getting better…

This morning as I was praying, I added as a side not, “Sometimes, I just want to sleep all day with You.”

God’s response: “‘What exactly does that accomplish?’”