10:32 PM
My school holds
this yearly event that's like a formal dance minus the dancing. There is food,
entertainment, and constant reminders that one is single if one who is
attending happens to be… single. Last year, a friend and I went with the
intentions of having a grand ole time! We pampered ourselves, took pictures,
and resolutely told ourselves that Jesus was our date. When we arrived at the
event, it was both fun and slightly exhausting to talk to our peers and see how
snazzy everyone looked. Eventually we were all seated, the event began, and
things quickly went downhill. You see, my friend and I had planned to sit with
a mutual friend and her boyfriend; instead we found ourselves at a table for
four… with just the two of us. If this was not a stark reminder that we were
all dressed up with somewhere to go but no one to go with, I do not know what
was. Throughout the event we rocked back and forth (figuratively speaking)
between feeling angry and abandoned and telling each other little jokes laced
with sarcasm. "Hey, we did say Jesus was out date," my friend pointed
out with a half-smile. In the end, we found out that the burn was a sincere
misunderstanding and all (eventually) was forgiven. I am not sure if my friend
felt the sting for as long as I did; if you cannot tell, thinking about this
still hurts a little.
Thinking back,
the fact that I was single and going to an event that made couples stand out
with their obvious lack of non-availability was what bothered me the most.
However, now, almost a year later (and with the event coming upon us once
again) I find that the feeling of abandonment is what makes me twitch inside.
Not only this, but the fear of what God has up His sleeve this year has me
repeatedly glancing over my shoulder in fear of what may sneak up behind me and
leave me fighting angry tears once again. I know how horrible and distrusting
this sounds; that is why I am typing out this blog. At the end of this formal
event, someone spoke some words of wisdom to my friend and I that, although I do
not recall them, I remember how… encouraged I felt afterward. I remember
learning that God truly is always present with me and that the attitude with
which I handle a situation makes a bigger with others than I realized.
10:50 PM
As the song
"Set a Fire" by Jesus Culture begins to play in my ears, I start to
sing in my heart, "Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, that I
can't control, cuz I want more of You God" without my realizing neither
what song is playing nor what I am singing. I look on my computer only to
realize that the music is coming from my iPod. I look at my iPod only to
realize what I am singing. I try to ignore it, but God gently conks me on the
head with the question, "So you want to encounter Me, is that what you're
saying? Because you know what that requires, right?" Of course I do:
letting go of my fear and running head first into Your ever-present arms.
When will I learn
this lesson?
As I fall to my
knees in worship, I sense Daddy telling me, "I want you to encounter my Love
this week." Just what I was afraid of-- another "Love encounter"
no doubt filled with pain and dissa-- Wait; no. This is just what I have been
longing for about a month now and have been getting every time I choose to
worship and bestow my love upon the Lover of my soul instead of focusing on the
problems, pains, and distractions that constantly yell for my utmost attention.
Like school work. Like relationships. Like the mental picture of an empty seat
across from me during a fancy, formal dinner.
Dear reader, I
challenge you, in those moments you most and least desire to, run headfirst and
eyes closed into the arms of the One who will never abandon, disappoint, or
point and laugh at you for your pretty dress (or handsome tux, guys) and single
status.
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