Waiting

I just got off of Skype with one of my friends. I was talking to her about how, if I were honest, even though I have no desire to date and I am not ready for/do not want marriage right now, if I were to meet a godly young man that I was attracted to I would want to date him. Now, this may not sound so bad in and of itself, but you have yet to hear two important details: 1) I know God has called me to wait for my future husband when it comes to dating, and 2) I would date this guy just to screw my future husband over.

Further explanation: You know how you may get the sense from God to pray for your future spouse. I've heard and read many accounts of things like that happening; girls saying they sensed their future man was going through a hard time, guys getting the nudge to lift their future woman up to God in the middle of the night. Well, I have a hunch that my future husband is not waiting around for me to date, and that ticks me off. I don't see how it's fair that he gets to do whatever with whomever while I am bound by a promise to God to wait for him! Of course this sounds stupid and horrible, if only in light of the fact that I don't want to date right now (or ever, if I'm honest; I can't explain why, but I really just don't want to date). But when I think of who my future man might be with I am tempted to selfishly think, "Screw him; I'm going to have some fun myself."

When I look at my future husband from where I am right now, I see no reason to be selfless and honor God or him. When I look at my future husband from the point of view of meeting, being engaged to, and marrying him, I feel my ruffled emotions calm down a bit. When I think about God and how He has the best plans in mind for me and how He has called me His beloved Daughter and only wants the best for me…  I find myself on my knees praying that He changes my heart and gives me the desire to love my future husband NOW by the choices I make and even the thoughts I think.

Another view of this that struck me just ten minutes ago and is in fact the reason why I wanted to write this blog: Jesus died for me before I thought of entering into a relationship with Him. He knew how unfaithful I would be to Him not just before I accepted Him as my Savior and asked Him to forgive me for my sins, but also while He and I were in a relationship! He came on earth, suffered, and died that I may have life that was meant to be lived to the fullest for His glory and to my own good. And so, if my Faithful Friend so selflessly did such a thing for me, who I am to do less?

I know some may see this as extreme; how do I know what my husband's doing right now? Why should I make a big deal about waiting to date, especially when I don’t know who the guy could be? The whole purpose of this is to explain something I have been learning: the art of Love, of commitment, of patience. The beauty, struggle, and worth in dedicating ourselves to someone we have not even encountered, of giving our lives in service to a faithful God who knows what's ahead and knows what it will take to prepare our hearts and minds for it. I don't have an all-pleasing answer as to why I know I should surrender those ugly, selfish thoughts to God and walk this path He has laid out before me. I just know that I love Him too much to screw Him over and not go with His perfect plans for me. And I know I am learning to love him who is included in said perfect plans. That's all.