Not So Trivial

ahIn church today, the pastor spoke to us about James 3:1-12, where James talks about the tongue and its unruliness, how it speaks both life and death, blessing and curses.

I tend to be very blunt when I am speaking with God, and I have spent years giving HIm my mind about guys, particularly the ones who I fall for, pine after for weeks or months, then eventually get over, only to repeat the cycle again-- so has my past experiences been. In the course of these years I have let God and a select few know that there is no reason why I should be pining after young men who have not given me the time of day, or little more than that. I deserve to be pursued, noticed, cherished. I should be sought after and not looked over, paid attention to and not by passed. Why waste my time wanting someone who has no interest in me, who is obviously not worthy of me?

And who makes me worthy?

Wait, what?

Who makes me worthy to be pursued? Who says I am priceless, I am worth more than gold, I should be pursued, cherished, and taken care of? Jesus, the one who bought me with His stainless life. Yes. And so who speaks over me that I have worth, should be treated with respect, and calls me a child of God? Jesus. The One who died for me. And you. And all those guys who I pined after.

Now. Who says I should be noticed by them? Who says I have the “right” to be pined after by them? Who? Exactly. I am not saying, by God’s Grace and sacrifice, I do not deserve to be loved and cherished. But who said I deserve that from every guy I blink at? Mhh… exactly. Does it hurt. Yeah. Is it horribly disappointing. Yep. Is that their problem? No.

I am not saying that guys cannot be disrespectful or dishonest. However I am saying that all men are created in the image of God, and those who are believers are His sons, who, by His blood, deserve to be treated with respect-- and that includes being spoken over with respect, truth, love.

At the end of the service, the pastor asked us a take a minute to ask God if there was something we needed to ask His forgiveness for concerning our tongues and how we have spoken over others. The last thing I expected to hear what, “You have spoken falsely over my sons whom you have had feelings for.” O-oh. These men have not toyed with my heart. They have not made and broken promises. They simply have not reciprocated feelings. They have chosen other young women over myself. They have hurt my pride, or rather, I have allowed their actions to result in feelings of humiliation. And… they are children of God, same as me. They are created in His image, same as me. And most of them know nothing of my heart and how it has felt and for whom.

I have been told that if a girl wants to get over a guy, she needs to think about all the negative things about them. My problem with doing this is when I think about the negative aspects of a person, I end up hating them. And I end up doing so for everyone around me; I can’t just stop at one or a few. And plus, I don’t want a guy thinking of all of my negative aspects to get over me. I want him to place me in Jesus’s hands and surrender His feelings to the one who loves him more than I ever could. I want him to pray that I am rooted deeply in Christ’s love and that I pursue Him above anything or anyone else.

The truth is I am not being pursued, noticed, loved in a romantic sense. Not as far as I know. That is a fact, and I have not died from it yet ;) Is that okay? Can I go on knowing that Christ has called me to revel in His love and His alone, to cast my cares on Him, even those matters of the heart? Yes, I believe so. Because what we consider to be trivial, He considers to be of significant value. He loves for us to share our hearts with Him, confess our sins, and rest in His Grace and understanding.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,

   and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

   my salvation”

Psalm 42:5

Do NOT Look at the Past

Don’t look at the past. Don’t look at the past. Do not look at the past.

“Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.”

Isaiah 43:18 NIV

 

No matter how many times He told me this, how could I not look at the past, or what will be the past. Being an analyzer, it made perfect sense to me to analyze the possible scores of faults my future husband will have, particularly those of physical and emotional unfaithfulness to me. Crazy, maybe; but you tell me how many young men you know who are saving themselves for their future wife. Exactly; not so crazy.

What is crazy is knowing that you have not been squeaky clean your entire life, that you are not faultless, then to look at whoever and condemn them to hell for their sins. That, my friends, should be considered a certifiable act.

But, but, you’ve been forgiven. You’ve repented more times than you can count and God has told you on multiple occasions that He has forgiven and released and redeemed you. So then, all that is left to deal with are the scars and hurtful actions of others toward you, right? Wrong.

Because when Jesus died for your sins, He died for theirs too. Awkward.

You know what else is crazy? The fact that I have just realized that. I strive so much to be perfect because I HATE the thought of hurting people the way they have hurt me; but I am not perfect. Neither are they, those who have, will, and do hurt me. So…

I can keep looking at the past (or what will be the past—a slightly more ridiculous feat); or I can receive and dish back forgiveness, grace, release. It may not feel easy, but I am pretty sure it did not feel too easy for Jesus.

Also, just as badly as we want forgiveness for ourselves, others need that same forgiveness. Release. Grace.

Short and sweet this week :)

F0rgiveness

Forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. I am an analyzer. I take everything apart and expose it for what it is so that I can understand why, why, why, how, and the way I should then respond to/interact with it. I like to know the deepest, darkest secrets of people because I want to know that I can still love them even with their sinful past or present. I know that sounds creepy, but isn’t that what we as humans all want: To be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness? The world cries out, “Tolerance!” while the church semi-jokingly commands, “Don’t judge me!” when all we are all whispering is, “Please love me.” But no one in their right mind would actually say that, not to just anyone. There is one, though, that we long to say it to and in return hear the response, “I do.” We long to be held in someone’s arms, to be known fully and intimately and be loved all the same. (That idea still boggles my mind; talk about a subject to analyze! And don’t ask me if I can imagine being loved that way... I can’t. Nor do I want to. If and when it happens, I want it to be a beautiful surprise…)

I am currently reading a book about sexual purity called Love, Dad. It’s written by Josh McDowell and it’s a collection of letters he wrote to his oldest daughter and only son concerning questions they had about the subject. Concerning sex and its depth, McDowell told his daughter, “We want to be able to totally reveal ourselves to someone we can trust to accept and love us just the way we are.” Before this quote he stated that making love was way more than just a physical act, but that it involves the emotions, and later on he explains how it involves us spiritually as well.

What does this have to do with forgiveness? Well, maybe this post isn’t just about forgiveness. Actually it’s about what happens when forgiveness takes place between us and God. At some point in my reading I stopped and cried just a few tears, once again reminded of what I would have to tell my future husband…And for those of you who are now crying out, “See, this is why the abstinence pledge people and the church are all in on a huge conspiracy to make us feel bad for expressing who we are! They want us to be bound by their superiority and judgmental views so that we can’t be ourselves and love the way we want…” let me state that this post is not about feeling condemned and dirty and all of that. Although I did feel horrible, God quickly reminded me that He has not only already forgiven me but He has also healed me and restored a level of innocence that I could have never gotten back on my own. Yes, I have heard before that there is nothing to forgive; please let me get to what (I believe) the point of this post is: In that moment, I did not simply feel forgiven, I felt known—fully and intimately. Because, you know, God knows everything about everyone. He knows every detail of every dirty, wrong, slightly not truthful act, phrase, or thought of every person. And in that moment when I felt known, I also felt loved—fully and intimately.

That is what it is like to be forgiven by God: to be known fully and intimately and be loved even with all of our faults, imperfections, and oddness. So, like I said, forgiveness is something crazy to comprehend. But, for now, I’m just going to accept and revel in it :)