Love Yourself

“You are such an idiot.”

“Why did you do that-- were you not thinking?!”

“How long does it take to get this right?”

“Why bother trying harder? You’ll just fail again.”

“You can be so stupid sometimes.”

If most of us heard a girl saying this to a guy in the store, we’d either wonder why he was with her or why he didn’t tell her to shut up. If we heard someone speaking this way to an elderly person or a young child, most of us would view them as being verbally abusive. I realized this as I was thinking my typical self-degrading thoughts while driving this afternoon. The Lord stopped me and showed me what I had just thought, what I often think to myself, before asking me, “If you heard someone speaking this to someone else, how would you feel?” Disgust, concern, maybe even a slight loathing for that person. What right have they to speak to them in such a manner? Why would that person take their verbal abuse? If that were me, I wouldn’t put up with it! Oh... really?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

I have read and heard this verse and been told often that we love others the way we love ourselves. I have never been a huge fan of me, so I have tried to slightly modify my approach to myself to make sure I loved me and others well. To date, I have learned to justify my, uh, rough approach to me. “Oh, I am just hard on myself because if I’m not, I fear I won’t do my best.” “Oh, I am a perfectionist; I like to do things right.” “I use to be so much weaker, more sensitive, etc, but I am growing, and the progress is a result of my ‘reality checks’.” But then, I can’t talk to people this way. And, more often than not, I do not have the desire to approach anyone other than myself in this manner. Most times.

My roommate and friend let me know recently that sometimes I can come off rough, my comments can be rude. She and I briefly discussed this and I explained that this was a result of frustration, apologizing for my rudeness and telling her I would try to do better. But when I thought more about her comment, the Holy Spirit showed me that those moments of harsh commenting or rude/rough talk is not all that uncommon to me. It is the same thing I hear everyday, almost consistently, from myself. Oh, it is not always easy to pick up on, not nearly as easy to notice as it was a few years ago when I was in high school (and my self-loathing meter was off the chart). But I hear this talk in my “self-motivation sessions”. Whenever I remind myself how weak and ignorant I am, how the world is a horrible place and if I’m going to survive I need to grow up. I need to put my “big girl pants on and wake up”. I need to do this and that to improve, to be better, to get by in life, to achieve, to thrive.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best I can be. But we cannot possibly believe that we can speak such negative, harsh “truths” to ourselves, then turn around and love God and others correctly. At the end of the day, if I am honest, just like I expect myself to be perfect, I expect others to be so as well. If I make a promise and keep it, God and everyone else better NOT go back on their word to me. If I mess up, well obviously I did not work nearly as hard as I should to get the results I wanted; and you, well, looks like you’ve been slacking in a certain area as well… What’s a bit more deceptive is when we actually outwardly treat others well: say the right things, do the right things, even have the heart intention to treat others the right way. But if our hearts are not right towards ourselves as individuals, that self-hatred will leak into our treatment and view of others.

What if the Scripture was read this way: “You shall verbally abuse  your neighbor as yourself.” Or, “You shall harshly judge your neighbor as yourself.” Or even “You shall “toughen up” your neighbor as yourself.” All of the sudden, the “harsh truths” we speak to ourselves don’t sound quite as acceptable. All of the sudden, those “truths” show their true colors and become verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not saying that we need to go around hugging ourselves, being self-absorbed and never dying to self. As Christ-followers, God has called us to live holy, set-apart, uncomfortable lives. We are called to give of our time, our emotions, our energy for the glory of God and the uplifting, encouragement, reproof, and altogether love of others. But if we cannot see ourselves as God sees us, this affects how we see our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow human beings on this earth, even God. If I cannot allow myself to be-- to just live, seek God, and do good without condemning myself for my mistakes, shortcoming, and failures-- there is no way I can allow anyone else to be himself.

I have not arrived, friends, Not at all. In fact, I have far to go in this, as well as many other, areas. AND THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to go back to school soon and not feel like I’m ready. It is okay to wish I could stay home and be safe and protected and sheltered. It is okay to wish that I were married so that I finally stop longing for it. It is okay to wish I were stronger so the next year or so of my life did not look so scary. It is even okay for me to wish better for and of those in my life. BUT what is best is when I take all of these concerns, worries, fears, and shortcomings to God and say, “Today, by Your Grace, I choose to see myself the way You see me.” What is best is if I look at others and say, “Today, by His Grace, I choose to see you the way God sees you.”

We are created in God’s image by a Father who loved us enough to give His life for us while we had no intention or capability of loving him, others, or ourselves the way we should. Let us come before our loving Saviour and ask for the Grace and Wisdom to see and love ourselves as He has created us to, so that we may better love Him and others.

The Removal of My Wisdom Teeth

I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed: they were pushing against my other teeth, crowding my mouth, and causing my jaw pain. So when they were removed, significant good was done. Now, three days later, I constantly taste blood in my mouth. At first I found this fascinating; I always did like that salty flavor whenever I would cut my lip (and I’m not the only one…). However, after a while the taste has become old old and slightly nauseating. The reality that four objects had to be uprooted, leaving four holes in my mouth, in order for healing to be set into place does not leave a great taste in my mouth (yeah...). Healing is messy and smells (or this case, tastes) like death, and who likes that stench after three days? Who wants to go through the process of uprooting that which is harming in order to have order and peace (or at least the beginning of both)? Is it worth the nausea, the pain, the gaping, bleeding nothingness in order to for proper growth and healing to occur? Is it worth the constant work of cleaning? Is it worth the time and effort?

And just think: I was put to sleep for the uprooting. That is not reality; normally, we are awake for the entire process… Is it worth it?

I read back over this and realized that I did not mention Jesus’s Name once, and yet I see hear him in every line, especially in the questions. “Is it worth it, Alexandria?” Because my “teeth” have always looked perfect to others; only I and the professionals have seen the mistake that has resulted in letting those four teeth grow. And who has felt the pain and will have to put forth the effort to make sure the process is undergone? Me and Jesus and those who are willing to walk in the messiness that is relationship.  “Is it worth it, Alexandria?”

Well, is it?

Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25

Thoughts

Saturday, January 4, 2013

Do you know how humbling it is to be loved? To be told that you are going to be cared for, protected, sheltered, romanced, held-- all when you have done nothing to deserve to be? Do you know what it is like to have someone take your hand every time you feel broken and are bleeding all over the place. And you don’t deserve it in the least, but they love you fully, wholly, without condition.

That’s God’s love for us. And, a miracle too beyond me to understand, He uses people to showcase that love. Not perfectly, yet just as we need it. It’s beautiful and painful, and I do not understand it. But it is still real. Don't waste the opportunity to be loved.

Remember Grace

Reflection and Hope

This year started off with my believing I knew who my future husband was. You could not have convinced me that I was wrong, and I had so many plans that I believed would be carried out in "God's timing", or more accurately, in my preferred timeline. Fast forward to the end of the summer and I not only realized that I had been wrong, but that I no longer was sure when I was hearing God's voice and when my own or the enemy's was chiming in with their twisted ideas and plans. The last few months have been a reminder of how foolish I was, considering that last fall was the time I thought I had heard from God. One year later, I am reminded of how I had spent the entire month of December dreaming about how I thought my relationship with this guy would be like and how wonderful I would feeling being pursued and feeling cherished. I'm reminding of how elated I was at finally knowing who my who I was to marry. I was enthralled at the idea of being done with crushes and infatuations-- finally I could say yes to the one God had created me to be with forever and always. Everyone knows what it is like to be embarrassed by one's faults, and those who have to keep themselves humble lest pride take ahold of them knows how I feel to look back at that.

Even so, we were not meant to stay down, tied down to yesterday's doubts, mistakes, and shortcomings. As God's children, we were meant to be more than overcomers!

This time last year I would have drowned my regrets and embarrassment with songs about unrequited love and disappointments. This would be embarrassing to admit if I didn't know that way too many girls do this. There is more to life than what we do wrong, than our sins. I'm not saying we do not have faults or that we are not in need of a Savior, but I am saying that because Jesus came, we have hope and Grace- hope that something better awaits us than what we have here on earth, and the Grace to live victoriously and free from the bondage of regret that tries to keep us locked up in yesterday, or last year, or decades ago.

We serve a faithful, patient and understanding God. I do not fully understand why He has us wait so long for what he promises us, and it hurts me more than I can describe. I like to know the purpose of things, processes,words, etc, are, and when I do not, or when I know that it could be explained to me but it will not be, I feel as if I am purposefully and wrongfully being kept in the dark as punishment. But that is not who God is. Revenge is his, as it says in His word, but he is still loving, merciful, and forbearing. He does not count our sin against us, but if we have asked for forgiveness, He casts them as far away from Himself as the east is from the west.

I do not fully understand, and that does not make me smile; not like is should (pride: I feel as if I need to earn every good thing in my life). But God is not hateful and he does not play games. He has the very best in plan for His children, and His Word is faithful healing, and Life. I do not know what you are looking back on this year, but let me encourage you with this: whether good, bad, or a mixture of both, it is in the past. God was with You with then, He is with you now, and he will be with You tomorrow and, Lord willing, in this year to come. Do not doubt His goodness no matter how it feels or looks because He is doing great things for those whom He loves. And do not refrain from encouraging one another, because we can all use it even when it does not appear that we do. It is never wrong to give a word in due season :)

I may not know you, but I love you; God knows you intricately and He loves you more!

Christmas Break Goal Day 3- Facing the Giants

Today I watched Facing the Giants, and by the end I had joyful tears in my eyes,

I have seen this movie several times, but by allowing myself to really take in what it meant for both Grant, his wife, and the school body that he was a part of come from years of defeat (as a whole as well as personally) to the times of triumph and victory, I was blessed with a visual of God’s faithfulness to His children.

What stuck out to me the most was the scene where a man came to the coach and read Revelation 3:8 to him: “I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet you obeyed my word and did not deny me.” He then proceeded to tell Grant that God would come through for those who prepared for God’s provision. In other words, it is one thing to ask God for the needed finances, food, or any kind of provision, and an altogether another thing to live as if one believes God will come through. To not speak negatively about what we are trusting Him for, to wait with expectation and hope. I can’t tell you how many times God had God has given me Scriptures about hope and waiting on Him with patience. SOmetimes this requires us to be still and know that He is God, faithful and trustworthy. But I am learning that most of the time it means to live this out. It does not always feel good, it may make us look and sound dumb, but from what God’s Word tells us, and from what I am learning, it is well worth the humiliation and heartache to persevere with a joyful, thankful heart.

I have a few Scriptures I would like to share with you, but I do not want to overwhelm you with words that may not mean anything right now. So instead, I will leave you with the some practical advice that the Holy Spirit has been constantly reminding me of lately: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:4-7 :)

He is beyond faithful!