I don’t like people to know when I am down or feeling weak
for two main reasons. One, I feel like I’m expected to be okay. Two, most of the
time people aren’t able to be there for me, so it’s easier to just keep the
deep, hard things to myself…
So once again God has awakened me in the early hours of the
morning to talk to me. Only this time He’s not just informing me about our
normal 4/5 in the morning conversations, but He is providing me with the
opportunity to filter through whatever it is that is holding me back from
trusting Him. I do not trust Him, and what is slightly ironic is that I had
convinced myself I trusted Him.
What’s not to trust? God of the universe, Lover of my soul,
Faithful Friend, the ONLY One who is ALWAYS there for me when I need Him.
Seriously, what is there not to trust? Why do I struggle so badly? Well, maybe
the fact that what God is promising me is ridiculously beautiful, and unlike my
friend with whom I had a wonderful conversation the other day, I cannot embrace
this. Not love, not an amazing career opportunity that I am now working toward.
Why not??? …fear…
A month or two ago, Daddy let me know that when I am married
my husband will not ALWAYS be there for me when I needed him, and He gave me
the opportunity to learn early what it is like to lean on Him for my every
comfort, fulfillment, and provision, whether that be directly from Him or
through a human being. Well, over breaks such as the one I’m on now I get to do
that explicitly; with both parents working and not able to give their
college-aged daughter the attention she needs (and, yes, it slightly rankles my
pride to know that I still want and need my parents attention and care as an
adult, but it only hurts because I need it and feel as if they can’t give to me
as much as I need because of their schedules) I have a great opportunity to do
so. But away from friends and peers that I am use to seeing and hanging out
with on a fairly regular basis during school, it is a huge contrast being back
at home.
Do you know what it is like to get a really good hug? I don’t
mean a romantic one, but a nice, warm, loving hug that you feel in your heart.
I’d like one of those right now, but for some reason Heaven (my pillow pet/son) isn't cutting it right now.
And now I’m at that place where I am hurting so badly that my
arms are numb and I have to blow my nose every five minutes so I can breathe.
This is why I don’t share my blog with family and friends; I don’t like most
people in my life to know when I struggle because they cannot always be there
for me when I need them. Yes, I am aware that no human being is able to be
there for any human being at every time they are needed, and I know it is wrong
to lock people out because of their humanness, but it hurts so badly to reach
out and find someone there sometimes but not there all the time. I don’t want
another reason to hurt…
And although I know that is wrong and I know that God is
faithful and I know He will help me through all of this and will bring someone
to help me carry the burden a few more steps… and although there are still
tears in my eyes and I’ll have to blow my nose again… I’m at peace. This is a
part of my faith in God I wish I could help people who do not believe to
understand: I am not happy right now, but I am so full of joy and hope. I see
no practical reason to stay alive when life consists of this kind of pain; but
I rejoice at the thought of having the Grace to see another day. I do not
understand how love does any good when it can’t be expressed in the way one
wants it to be for reasons that cannot and should not be altered at the time,
but I know that loving is exactly what I am doing right now because although I
see nothing in it for me any time soon, I still desire to live out my care. That, my dear friends, is the beauty of
God. In all of this… crap, there is a hope, joy, and love I cannot deny, and
let me tell you, it came from no human being, no chemical reaction in my brain,
and no practical reasoning I can summon. Even in the midst of this lonely,
seemingly pointless Christmas break, I can sincerely smile and be thankful to
be alive. Why? Because God is faithful, He is Love, and He is righteous.
And that is something I neither want to ever forget nor keep
to myself. Something I was reminded of as I listened to S.O.’s cd So It Continues is that growing in
Christ does not entail us becoming stronger and more able to handle life on our
own as mature, capable adults. In contrast, it consists of us growing in
Christ’s strength, which means we grow in our ability and tendency to run
directly to our Daddy when something goes right, wrong, or horribly wrong, curl
up in His arms and express our need for Him, rejoice in His righteousness and
faithfulness, and all the while live out our relationship with Him, more
determined each day to love Him, always being sincere and open with God,
others, and ourselves. Our weakness is for our and others’ benefit, and this is saying something, seeing as I
thrive to know that I can be as adult like as my friends and peers. Don’t get
me wrong, I am not bashing being an adult; adulthood is not a sin. But when we
are focused on how capable we are and how far we’ve come and how much stronger
we our… leaving God and all He has done for and in us out of the picture,
that’s when the problem arises.
Otay, this probably doesn’t have the greatest flow, but I’m
out solely to live out my relationship with my Savior Daddy and be broken for
His glory and for the benefit of others and myself.
Good morning :D
