Saturday, May 31, 2014

My stomach is nauseous from the lies I’ve been intaking or far too long. It’s 2:37 am. I just want to sleep. I understand that some nights one may not be able to sleep, but I refuse to put up with this. Now anymore. Not when I know I have crossed a line into a place where I can finally negate the lies with truth.

Yes, I have gone 22 years without knowing that I am worth being sought after for who I am, not for what I can give. Okay. If that is going to break me then I might as well end it. If all I am worth is to make someone drool, then my value is eerily low. I’m not sure what the deal is but I do not I’m not going to pursue attention I get everyday all day, maybe just not in the way I would have asked for it. But when God blesses, he really does over do it.

I am wanted and pursued by the God of the entire universe; I am blessed beyond measure. And I am aware of love from more than I care to count, partially because I am lazy and want to sleep, partially because there really are a lot. My cup overflows. Yes, and even though I walk through the valley of lies, I will not fear evil, for He, the Author and Finisher of my faith is with me. I do not necessarily enjoy the pain, but neither will I cringe and fall under its grasp; the truth sets me free. I am single and I do not appear to be wanted in a romantic and respectable sense. But Someone deemed me wanted enough to give His Life so that I can live and live more abundantly, not wake up in the middle of the night hurting over something I have never had. So good night, night, and goodbye irrational thoughts. If it is God’s will, it will come about. No matter how you fear, little heart, you are loved more than You could ever comprehend. Pain, leave; joy and contentment, run free.

alone? Not Really, Not Forever

This is for every girl who has woken up at 1, 3, 5, and at any other time because she felt lonely and was too busy crying to sleep peacefully. For the woman who decided that feeling unwanted and undesirable was better than being used for what she could give and not for who she was. This is for the girl who looks at wedding pictures of friends and wonders if “all the good guys are all taken”. For all the young women who want to wait and be pursued rather than pursuing and finding herself always having to wear the pants in the relationship. This is for girl who cannot understand what is taking so freaking long and why it is she can’t seem to spend a significant amount of time content (because, you know, when you’re content and you’re not thinking about it, that’s when he’ll come… because there is a time you’re all of those things at once, right? But if you were, you probably wouldn’t know it because you weren't thinking about it, so…) This is for the girl who will not allow her emotions to direct her actions or her thoughts even though she feels like she’s spent an undetermined amount of time not allowing herself to think about him, the future, the past. For the woman who watched him with her and wondered “what the heck is wrong with me that I seem to always go unnoticed?”

Because I am not the only stubborn one determined to allow God to do His thing, His way. Because all the good guys are not taken. Because God’s timing really,truly is not our time, nor is His goodness limited to what all your two eyes can take in. Because His Grace is sufficient and we wouldn't need it if we were not weak. Because patience, not how many eyes you have caught, is a virtue. Because sex outside of God’s bounds of marriage was never worth the risk, no matter what all we have heard or seen. Because heat, pressure, and pain are what makes beautiful (remember that diamond you want so badly). Because I’m still single so I can say this and have faith in God’s strength alone, despite how I may feel… and I want you to join me. Let the wedding photos remind you of God’s goodness and faithfulness, not your current state-- life is but a breath, ladies. Let the beautiful pictures point you not to yourself, but to the Author and Finisher of our faith… AND our love stories  And let’s be happy for our friends, I guarantee they once were where we are/may be/have been.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.” Philippians 4:4

Love Yourself

“You are such an idiot.”

“Why did you do that-- were you not thinking?!”

“How long does it take to get this right?”

“Why bother trying harder? You’ll just fail again.”

“You can be so stupid sometimes.”

If most of us heard a girl saying this to a guy in the store, we’d either wonder why he was with her or why he didn’t tell her to shut up. If we heard someone speaking this way to an elderly person or a young child, most of us would view them as being verbally abusive. I realized this as I was thinking my typical self-degrading thoughts while driving this afternoon. The Lord stopped me and showed me what I had just thought, what I often think to myself, before asking me, “If you heard someone speaking this to someone else, how would you feel?” Disgust, concern, maybe even a slight loathing for that person. What right have they to speak to them in such a manner? Why would that person take their verbal abuse? If that were me, I wouldn’t put up with it! Oh... really?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

I have read and heard this verse and been told often that we love others the way we love ourselves. I have never been a huge fan of me, so I have tried to slightly modify my approach to myself to make sure I loved me and others well. To date, I have learned to justify my, uh, rough approach to me. “Oh, I am just hard on myself because if I’m not, I fear I won’t do my best.” “Oh, I am a perfectionist; I like to do things right.” “I use to be so much weaker, more sensitive, etc, but I am growing, and the progress is a result of my ‘reality checks’.” But then, I can’t talk to people this way. And, more often than not, I do not have the desire to approach anyone other than myself in this manner. Most times.

My roommate and friend let me know recently that sometimes I can come off rough, my comments can be rude. She and I briefly discussed this and I explained that this was a result of frustration, apologizing for my rudeness and telling her I would try to do better. But when I thought more about her comment, the Holy Spirit showed me that those moments of harsh commenting or rude/rough talk is not all that uncommon to me. It is the same thing I hear everyday, almost consistently, from myself. Oh, it is not always easy to pick up on, not nearly as easy to notice as it was a few years ago when I was in high school (and my self-loathing meter was off the chart). But I hear this talk in my “self-motivation sessions”. Whenever I remind myself how weak and ignorant I am, how the world is a horrible place and if I’m going to survive I need to grow up. I need to put my “big girl pants on and wake up”. I need to do this and that to improve, to be better, to get by in life, to achieve, to thrive.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best I can be. But we cannot possibly believe that we can speak such negative, harsh “truths” to ourselves, then turn around and love God and others correctly. At the end of the day, if I am honest, just like I expect myself to be perfect, I expect others to be so as well. If I make a promise and keep it, God and everyone else better NOT go back on their word to me. If I mess up, well obviously I did not work nearly as hard as I should to get the results I wanted; and you, well, looks like you’ve been slacking in a certain area as well… What’s a bit more deceptive is when we actually outwardly treat others well: say the right things, do the right things, even have the heart intention to treat others the right way. But if our hearts are not right towards ourselves as individuals, that self-hatred will leak into our treatment and view of others.

What if the Scripture was read this way: “You shall verbally abuse  your neighbor as yourself.” Or, “You shall harshly judge your neighbor as yourself.” Or even “You shall “toughen up” your neighbor as yourself.” All of the sudden, the “harsh truths” we speak to ourselves don’t sound quite as acceptable. All of the sudden, those “truths” show their true colors and become verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not saying that we need to go around hugging ourselves, being self-absorbed and never dying to self. As Christ-followers, God has called us to live holy, set-apart, uncomfortable lives. We are called to give of our time, our emotions, our energy for the glory of God and the uplifting, encouragement, reproof, and altogether love of others. But if we cannot see ourselves as God sees us, this affects how we see our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow human beings on this earth, even God. If I cannot allow myself to be-- to just live, seek God, and do good without condemning myself for my mistakes, shortcoming, and failures-- there is no way I can allow anyone else to be himself.

I have not arrived, friends, Not at all. In fact, I have far to go in this, as well as many other, areas. AND THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to go back to school soon and not feel like I’m ready. It is okay to wish I could stay home and be safe and protected and sheltered. It is okay to wish that I were married so that I finally stop longing for it. It is okay to wish I were stronger so the next year or so of my life did not look so scary. It is even okay for me to wish better for and of those in my life. BUT what is best is when I take all of these concerns, worries, fears, and shortcomings to God and say, “Today, by Your Grace, I choose to see myself the way You see me.” What is best is if I look at others and say, “Today, by His Grace, I choose to see you the way God sees you.”

We are created in God’s image by a Father who loved us enough to give His life for us while we had no intention or capability of loving him, others, or ourselves the way we should. Let us come before our loving Saviour and ask for the Grace and Wisdom to see and love ourselves as He has created us to, so that we may better love Him and others.

The Removal of My Wisdom Teeth

I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed: they were pushing against my other teeth, crowding my mouth, and causing my jaw pain. So when they were removed, significant good was done. Now, three days later, I constantly taste blood in my mouth. At first I found this fascinating; I always did like that salty flavor whenever I would cut my lip (and I’m not the only one…). However, after a while the taste has become old old and slightly nauseating. The reality that four objects had to be uprooted, leaving four holes in my mouth, in order for healing to be set into place does not leave a great taste in my mouth (yeah...). Healing is messy and smells (or this case, tastes) like death, and who likes that stench after three days? Who wants to go through the process of uprooting that which is harming in order to have order and peace (or at least the beginning of both)? Is it worth the nausea, the pain, the gaping, bleeding nothingness in order to for proper growth and healing to occur? Is it worth the constant work of cleaning? Is it worth the time and effort?

And just think: I was put to sleep for the uprooting. That is not reality; normally, we are awake for the entire process… Is it worth it?

I read back over this and realized that I did not mention Jesus’s Name once, and yet I see hear him in every line, especially in the questions. “Is it worth it, Alexandria?” Because my “teeth” have always looked perfect to others; only I and the professionals have seen the mistake that has resulted in letting those four teeth grow. And who has felt the pain and will have to put forth the effort to make sure the process is undergone? Me and Jesus and those who are willing to walk in the messiness that is relationship.  “Is it worth it, Alexandria?”

Well, is it?

Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25

Thoughts

Saturday, January 4, 2013

Do you know how humbling it is to be loved? To be told that you are going to be cared for, protected, sheltered, romanced, held-- all when you have done nothing to deserve to be? Do you know what it is like to have someone take your hand every time you feel broken and are bleeding all over the place. And you don’t deserve it in the least, but they love you fully, wholly, without condition.

That’s God’s love for us. And, a miracle too beyond me to understand, He uses people to showcase that love. Not perfectly, yet just as we need it. It’s beautiful and painful, and I do not understand it. But it is still real. Don't waste the opportunity to be loved.

Remember Grace