SIngle, single, single, single, single, Jesus...

I write about this more often than not, but as long as I am in this place of life, than I will continue to write about what God is showing me.

Lately I have been doing better and better when it comes to guys and the lack of romantic relationships I have been in. I have been putting up appropriate walls, remember that God is my refuge and strength and speak truth over myself: He has a plan for me, he has the right man for me, he has for me to be pursued. This is my story, so this is what I speak. Other woman may feel led to pursue a guy or to date more than one guy; that is there story, written and understood fully by God alone. I don’t need to agree or explain it; that is not my place.

For myself, I am to find myself secure in the Lover of my soul and wait for Him to lead me to whoever He has for me. I do not want to date more than one young man; in saying that, any form of longing or jealousy must be removed. It does not good to stare at the donut and long for the donut, then walk away complaining about how you can’t have donuts because you’re watching what you eat but its not fair that you can’t eat that donut and everyone else gets to eat it and why should you have to wait when you work so hard to be fit and take care of your body while everyone else eats what they want when they want… Really? Isn’t best just to stop whining and complaining… either that or eat the thing? And so it makes sense to either date or stop complaining about that which I am sure I can have if I just put forth some effort into showing guys I was interested in being in a relationship. But I don’t; and try as I might to justify dating, I cannot bring myself to. I have learned not to judge others; I have even learned to accept that the guy I marry has dated other women. And it really is fine, except that when I am around certain people it is not any longer.

Everyone has their weak spot, a place,situation or person around which they find himself unusual thrown off. Today I recognized what this is for me, and I was mad. I was livid actually, and I could and would have removed myself from the situation except that I knew I should not; that would not have been honoring to God or good for me. So I stayed and cried out to God and asked for help and did my part in being an adult child who needed her Daddy badly.

When I was finally able to write things out and process, I saw a lot of anger and jealousy that I did not expect to be there. Although I have been made aware of my desire to be pursued, I thought that by my working out my decision to remain single for the time being had negated any negative emotion or longing for that which I do not have. Nay nay; instead I have found yet another hole I need my Father God to fill. And it pisses me off. What do I have to do to feel whole, to feel pursued. I know that in life we have struggles and shortcomings and places where we are weak and need to lean on God’s Grace. But what truth do I need to speak, prayer do I need to utter, Scripture do I need to read in order to break free from this longing that only makes me feel pathetic and worthless? What work does the Holy Spirit need to do in me in order for me to walk in the confidence that is to be found in His presence?

For anyone who is feeling how I have been for the past few hours, who have been or know they need to pursue God on yet another, deeper level, I encourage you to do so because that is the only answer I have for both of us. First, know you are not alone. SOmeone somewhere is or will be reading this and saying, “Yes; I hate to say it but this is me.” Well, you are now knowingly not alone. I love you, dear and you are loved, even though you may not know or see it. Jesus is the Lover of our souls and He created us to be filled by Him now, yesterday and tomorrow. So I encourage You to ask His Holy Spirit (even if for the billionth time) to fill the hole in You that longs for the attention your significant other will one day try to fill but will never do so fully. I know you have probably heard that love heals; this does not just pertain to that between two humans :)

Next I encourage you to boldly walk in the love that Christ has for us. I know it seems, feels or sounds weird, but just like you can see the confidence on the faces of those who are dating, engaged or married, we single people were created to walk in that same confidence in our Savior. I cannot stress how we are meant to be filled to the fullness with who He is. I know it may not be what you think you want; I just finished telling God I did not want promises when I did not have what He was promising. But dear, He is God-- He knows us better, more fully than any human being ever could, no matter how wonderful. And He deserves our attention, worship, and longing because of who He is. Run after Christ with me; pursue the love and filling of His Holy Spirit. Trust Him and His timing. He is good :)

“Trust in him at all times, O people;

   pour out your heart before him;

   God is a refuge for us. Selah”

Psalm 62:8 ESV

Grace and Sin

Last night when I was wanting to sleep, I laid in bed wide awake. I had just finished praying and writing, and I had hoped I was done being “spiritual”. Ha. At some point a random scene played through my head: This guy walked up to me and told me that he had slept with a girl, had “seen her” as he said. I was not sure how to respond, and the scene quickly ended. I gave the scenario little thought and quickly tried to resume my sleep. Not long after the scene played out again, this time with a friend of mine as the guy. This was even harder to respond; he and I aren't close, but I still care enough for him to have been concerned. This morning as I was writing, the scene played out again, and I knew I had to write about it.

My question to this scenario is, what is the right response? James 1:14-15 says “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” The point of that is not to make us feel bad or uncomfortable, but to point to the fact that sin comes with its own punishments. I am not saying that as parents or authority figures we are not to teach those under us that wrong is wrong. No; but I am saying that there is a difference between teaching a lesson and reacting in a way that is neither beneficial neither for the wrongdoer nor for us. It would be easy for me to blast either guy in the mini stories, telling them that they have officially screwed himself and his future wife, not to mention that girl, over. It would be easy to stare and say nothing, defaulting to someone else to deal with them and their mess. It would even be easier to make light of the situation-- not easy, but easier than responding correctly.

Something God has been telling me for the past few months is that Grace changes people a lot better than condemnation does. Grace is not easy to give, but it is necessary. And you know what, it does not make me feel good to say that, because what if that guy were a family member of any gender-- a sibling, my future husband, my child? Would I want to give grace in that moment? Would it feel good to tell them that I do not condemn them and, yes, although there are consequences that come with every decision they make, I will not damn them. I will love them.

I do not know what it feels like to have to tell someone that I slept with a guy; even so, that does not negate the fact that I have my messes. I have my crap, my faults, my sins, and I know how God has handled them. He has reached out to me time and again with His Love and Grace. He has walked me through one healing process after another-- and yes, they were excruciating. Purity comes with a price, one way or another. Both are heavy, but one comes with a lot less of a burden and scarring than the other one. This is why abstinence is (should be) preached and taught. Sin of any kind affects more than just the sinner. However, this is not an excuse to make anyone feel like crap because they allowed their desire to birth sin which results in death. Because when we sinned, we had ours paid for, as did they. We were given Grace, if not by a human being than for sure by God the Father, who sent His Only Son to cover our butts… and the rest of us. I am not saying we are to welcome with open arms the wrong act, the hurtful words, whatever. I am saying we love and forgive and give Grace to the human being created in the image of God. “All have sinned and fallen short…” It’s not supposed to feel good, on either end. But it is supposed to heal and produce fruit but the Grace of a righteous and holy and gracious God.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

My stomach is nauseous from the lies I’ve been intaking or far too long. It’s 2:37 am. I just want to sleep. I understand that some nights one may not be able to sleep, but I refuse to put up with this. Now anymore. Not when I know I have crossed a line into a place where I can finally negate the lies with truth.

Yes, I have gone 22 years without knowing that I am worth being sought after for who I am, not for what I can give. Okay. If that is going to break me then I might as well end it. If all I am worth is to make someone drool, then my value is eerily low. I’m not sure what the deal is but I do not I’m not going to pursue attention I get everyday all day, maybe just not in the way I would have asked for it. But when God blesses, he really does over do it.

I am wanted and pursued by the God of the entire universe; I am blessed beyond measure. And I am aware of love from more than I care to count, partially because I am lazy and want to sleep, partially because there really are a lot. My cup overflows. Yes, and even though I walk through the valley of lies, I will not fear evil, for He, the Author and Finisher of my faith is with me. I do not necessarily enjoy the pain, but neither will I cringe and fall under its grasp; the truth sets me free. I am single and I do not appear to be wanted in a romantic and respectable sense. But Someone deemed me wanted enough to give His Life so that I can live and live more abundantly, not wake up in the middle of the night hurting over something I have never had. So good night, night, and goodbye irrational thoughts. If it is God’s will, it will come about. No matter how you fear, little heart, you are loved more than You could ever comprehend. Pain, leave; joy and contentment, run free.

alone? Not Really, Not Forever

This is for every girl who has woken up at 1, 3, 5, and at any other time because she felt lonely and was too busy crying to sleep peacefully. For the woman who decided that feeling unwanted and undesirable was better than being used for what she could give and not for who she was. This is for the girl who looks at wedding pictures of friends and wonders if “all the good guys are all taken”. For all the young women who want to wait and be pursued rather than pursuing and finding herself always having to wear the pants in the relationship. This is for girl who cannot understand what is taking so freaking long and why it is she can’t seem to spend a significant amount of time content (because, you know, when you’re content and you’re not thinking about it, that’s when he’ll come… because there is a time you’re all of those things at once, right? But if you were, you probably wouldn’t know it because you weren't thinking about it, so…) This is for the girl who will not allow her emotions to direct her actions or her thoughts even though she feels like she’s spent an undetermined amount of time not allowing herself to think about him, the future, the past. For the woman who watched him with her and wondered “what the heck is wrong with me that I seem to always go unnoticed?”

Because I am not the only stubborn one determined to allow God to do His thing, His way. Because all the good guys are not taken. Because God’s timing really,truly is not our time, nor is His goodness limited to what all your two eyes can take in. Because His Grace is sufficient and we wouldn't need it if we were not weak. Because patience, not how many eyes you have caught, is a virtue. Because sex outside of God’s bounds of marriage was never worth the risk, no matter what all we have heard or seen. Because heat, pressure, and pain are what makes beautiful (remember that diamond you want so badly). Because I’m still single so I can say this and have faith in God’s strength alone, despite how I may feel… and I want you to join me. Let the wedding photos remind you of God’s goodness and faithfulness, not your current state-- life is but a breath, ladies. Let the beautiful pictures point you not to yourself, but to the Author and Finisher of our faith… AND our love stories  And let’s be happy for our friends, I guarantee they once were where we are/may be/have been.

“Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.” Philippians 4:4

Love Yourself

“You are such an idiot.”

“Why did you do that-- were you not thinking?!”

“How long does it take to get this right?”

“Why bother trying harder? You’ll just fail again.”

“You can be so stupid sometimes.”

If most of us heard a girl saying this to a guy in the store, we’d either wonder why he was with her or why he didn’t tell her to shut up. If we heard someone speaking this way to an elderly person or a young child, most of us would view them as being verbally abusive. I realized this as I was thinking my typical self-degrading thoughts while driving this afternoon. The Lord stopped me and showed me what I had just thought, what I often think to myself, before asking me, “If you heard someone speaking this to someone else, how would you feel?” Disgust, concern, maybe even a slight loathing for that person. What right have they to speak to them in such a manner? Why would that person take their verbal abuse? If that were me, I wouldn’t put up with it! Oh... really?

“And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it:You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37-38

I have read and heard this verse and been told often that we love others the way we love ourselves. I have never been a huge fan of me, so I have tried to slightly modify my approach to myself to make sure I loved me and others well. To date, I have learned to justify my, uh, rough approach to me. “Oh, I am just hard on myself because if I’m not, I fear I won’t do my best.” “Oh, I am a perfectionist; I like to do things right.” “I use to be so much weaker, more sensitive, etc, but I am growing, and the progress is a result of my ‘reality checks’.” But then, I can’t talk to people this way. And, more often than not, I do not have the desire to approach anyone other than myself in this manner. Most times.

My roommate and friend let me know recently that sometimes I can come off rough, my comments can be rude. She and I briefly discussed this and I explained that this was a result of frustration, apologizing for my rudeness and telling her I would try to do better. But when I thought more about her comment, the Holy Spirit showed me that those moments of harsh commenting or rude/rough talk is not all that uncommon to me. It is the same thing I hear everyday, almost consistently, from myself. Oh, it is not always easy to pick up on, not nearly as easy to notice as it was a few years ago when I was in high school (and my self-loathing meter was off the chart). But I hear this talk in my “self-motivation sessions”. Whenever I remind myself how weak and ignorant I am, how the world is a horrible place and if I’m going to survive I need to grow up. I need to put my “big girl pants on and wake up”. I need to do this and that to improve, to be better, to get by in life, to achieve, to thrive.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do better. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best I can be. But we cannot possibly believe that we can speak such negative, harsh “truths” to ourselves, then turn around and love God and others correctly. At the end of the day, if I am honest, just like I expect myself to be perfect, I expect others to be so as well. If I make a promise and keep it, God and everyone else better NOT go back on their word to me. If I mess up, well obviously I did not work nearly as hard as I should to get the results I wanted; and you, well, looks like you’ve been slacking in a certain area as well… What’s a bit more deceptive is when we actually outwardly treat others well: say the right things, do the right things, even have the heart intention to treat others the right way. But if our hearts are not right towards ourselves as individuals, that self-hatred will leak into our treatment and view of others.

What if the Scripture was read this way: “You shall verbally abuse  your neighbor as yourself.” Or, “You shall harshly judge your neighbor as yourself.” Or even “You shall “toughen up” your neighbor as yourself.” All of the sudden, the “harsh truths” we speak to ourselves don’t sound quite as acceptable. All of the sudden, those “truths” show their true colors and become verbal and emotional abuse.

I am not saying that we need to go around hugging ourselves, being self-absorbed and never dying to self. As Christ-followers, God has called us to live holy, set-apart, uncomfortable lives. We are called to give of our time, our emotions, our energy for the glory of God and the uplifting, encouragement, reproof, and altogether love of others. But if we cannot see ourselves as God sees us, this affects how we see our brothers and sisters in Christ, our fellow human beings on this earth, even God. If I cannot allow myself to be-- to just live, seek God, and do good without condemning myself for my mistakes, shortcoming, and failures-- there is no way I can allow anyone else to be himself.

I have not arrived, friends, Not at all. In fact, I have far to go in this, as well as many other, areas. AND THAT IS OKAY. It is okay to go back to school soon and not feel like I’m ready. It is okay to wish I could stay home and be safe and protected and sheltered. It is okay to wish that I were married so that I finally stop longing for it. It is okay to wish I were stronger so the next year or so of my life did not look so scary. It is even okay for me to wish better for and of those in my life. BUT what is best is when I take all of these concerns, worries, fears, and shortcomings to God and say, “Today, by Your Grace, I choose to see myself the way You see me.” What is best is if I look at others and say, “Today, by His Grace, I choose to see you the way God sees you.”

We are created in God’s image by a Father who loved us enough to give His life for us while we had no intention or capability of loving him, others, or ourselves the way we should. Let us come before our loving Saviour and ask for the Grace and Wisdom to see and love ourselves as He has created us to, so that we may better love Him and others.

The Removal of My Wisdom Teeth

I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed: they were pushing against my other teeth, crowding my mouth, and causing my jaw pain. So when they were removed, significant good was done. Now, three days later, I constantly taste blood in my mouth. At first I found this fascinating; I always did like that salty flavor whenever I would cut my lip (and I’m not the only one…). However, after a while the taste has become old old and slightly nauseating. The reality that four objects had to be uprooted, leaving four holes in my mouth, in order for healing to be set into place does not leave a great taste in my mouth (yeah...). Healing is messy and smells (or this case, tastes) like death, and who likes that stench after three days? Who wants to go through the process of uprooting that which is harming in order to have order and peace (or at least the beginning of both)? Is it worth the nausea, the pain, the gaping, bleeding nothingness in order to for proper growth and healing to occur? Is it worth the constant work of cleaning? Is it worth the time and effort?

And just think: I was put to sleep for the uprooting. That is not reality; normally, we are awake for the entire process… Is it worth it?

I read back over this and realized that I did not mention Jesus’s Name once, and yet I see hear him in every line, especially in the questions. “Is it worth it, Alexandria?” Because my “teeth” have always looked perfect to others; only I and the professionals have seen the mistake that has resulted in letting those four teeth grow. And who has felt the pain and will have to put forth the effort to make sure the process is undergone? Me and Jesus and those who are willing to walk in the messiness that is relationship.  “Is it worth it, Alexandria?”

Well, is it?

Chosen Weakness, Trust, and God's Timing

Jesus: “Trust my timing. It is perfect. I will work everything out, dear.”

Me: “Maybe, instead of waiting, I could just…”

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

For the longest time I read this verse and thought of "weaknesses" as being those imperfections I could not fix about myself. There are places in each of our hearts that only God's Grace and Love can change, heal, renew, and revive. There are characteristics about us that may not be ideal, but until God puts His hands on them, we must entrust them in His hands.

However, I have lately found God speaking to me about weaknesses beyond those which I need Him to fix. I see things in my life, or "weaknesses", that I can easily take care of without anyone’s help. Doesn't God help those who help themselves? What does the Word say about those things?

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (Italics added)

I tell Jesus, "I can handle this; I know how to fix this. If I just say this, do that, and make this happen, the situation will be better. Why wait on Your timing?" Or, "Why wait for You to use someone else, another human being to take care of something that I am perfectly capable of handling on my own??"

Seriously, there are situations I could easily get myself out of, fix, or make even better, but more often than not I sense the Holy Spirit whispering, "Not now, Daughter. Let that go. Let Me handle that."

Why does God want us to entrust every area of our lives into His hands (which can sometimes entail entrusting others with such areas)? Aren't we supposed to grow up, mature, and learn to handle life on our own? Why does the most simple thing, dream, or desire seem to entail the indepth details?

These are all questions to which I do not have answers. This is when faith steps in. I have come to learn that often faith requires more work, more energy, more effort than my quick "fixes" would call for-- at least initially. Honestly, I know (and have come to realize through a recent pride-shattering event) that the after effects of my… ahem, “helping” end up taking more time and effort to clean up than if I would have left the situation alone and in God’s capable and trustworthy hands.

Something else God has been speaking to me lately:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.”

Isaiah 55:10-11

God's Word is faithful, and when He promises us something, it will come about. Does this mean it will happen when and how we want it to. Probably not. Does that mean it will happen just as He planned, for our good? Yes!

And in those moments when we may be tempted to rush things along or "help out" God, we can remember that our weaknesses-- whether the kind that we were born with or the kind that manifest themselves in our obedience and submission to God-- allow God to show Himself strong and faithful, for our good and to His glory.

"Through the intimacy of our relationship, you are being transformed from the inside out. As you keep your focus on Me, I form you into the one I desire you to be. Your part is to yield to My creative work in you, neither resisting it nor trying to speed it up. Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

- Jesus Calling, January 25