Reminisce

Right now I would describe life to be as perfect as it has been ever, in my entire life. The only thing I would have removed are the moments God redirects me to consider the season that has just passed. I would accurately describe that season as hell, and I would rather not revisit that place, even in memory. But, it is a part of letting go and moving on, looking back and recalling and learning from. He is a good God, so I surrender.

When I reminisce I see a girl sitting on the floor in the upstairs lobby of her dorm, crying and silently screaming out to God to deliver her from this season of pain and growth and learning and pain. I see a girl wanting to die but knowing she doesn't want to and not quite sure how to be brought back to life. I see a girl who was so engulfed in her pain she did not know how to go through this time with the grace and understanding to love and receive love. And I see a God who reached down and gently pulled her back from the ledge in her mind, who redirected her thoughts when she considered driving into the next lane, into on-coming traffic. I see a God who placed specific people in her life who just made her smile and knew how to love her well without her having to say a word. A see a God who was willing to teach her things that most are not willing to learn, even when she was complaining about the lessons the whole time. I see a God who was willing to break down her pride to make room for something better.

Even now my eyes grow dim at such thoughts and truths because it’s still not pretty. Will it ever be? Probably not, and that makes me uncomfortable. But what good would it be for me to ignore that time and just act as if it had never occurred? What good would it do me to not process and not be honest about how I feel and where I am? How can I get to where I am being led if I cannot even accept where I am coming from?

I talk to people from that time and remember. I freeze up when another text message comes through, at the thought of commenting on a Facebook post. I get angry when I recall how no one seemed to understand, even though I did not either (nor do I fully now) and I know fully that it is neither right nor gracious to blame them or myself. And all of that is more than okay, because it is a part of the process. I say all of this partially for those who will read this and feel a sense of being comprehended and therefore a bit lighter and hopeful because, by God’s Grace, these times, though they may stretch on, do not have to last forever. I also say all of this in part because it needs to be released so that one day I may look back and see the not pretty and be able to say with quiet confidence, “Praise God.”

No, I’m going to say that today even as my heart burns with ever waning pain, even as my mind slightly bends at the memories, even as my eyes grow dim and my heart just wants to get up and run from it all. Praise God. Because

The thought of my suffering and homelessness
   is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
   as I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope
   when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
   His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
   his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
   therefore, I will hope in him!”

The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
   to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly
   for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
   to the yoke of his discipline:

Let them sit alone in silence
   beneath the Lord’s demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust,
   for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
   and accept the insults of their enemies.

For no one is abandoned
   by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
   because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people
   or causing them sorrow.

And

Wait patiently for the Lord.
   Be brave and courageous.
   Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

His Grace is sufficient, dear; lean on Him while you wait for Him <3

All of Me

If I had to choose one thing I was thankful for, it would be the beautiful Love of God, specifically in the area of my weaknesses. God does something profoundly captivating: when we are in the middle of our mess, weakness, hurts, shortcomings, snot-- He reaches down and sits beside us. He wraps His arms around us and calls us to rest in His arms, in His heart.

So many times this summer I have just felt completely at the end of my rope. Normally my thoughts go to things like: “Why am I here if this is how life is going to be?” “What’s the point of this?” “Why bother trying to be like You when I obviously fail miserably do often?” etc. I am not saying I have completely stopped such line of questioning; no, I still need the Holy Spirit to work on me in this area. However, thankfully, Jesus has been drawing me more and more to come to HIm with these audacious questions. We both know that complaining does not solve anything, are both aware that kicking and screaming (literally and figuratively) gets nothing accomplished. Even so, our Father God would much prefer us to come to HIm with our temper tantrums and cries than to face the alone.

I am aware that this song is not Christian, nor do all of the lyrics work in sounding like one from God to us, but when I hear certain parts (like “Even when you’re crying, you’re beautiful too”) I know that the Lord wants me to know, even in my crap, weakness, and imperfections He so adores me and wants me to depend on Him to give me the Grace I need every moment of every day. And He wants that with all of us <3

Not So Trivial

ahIn church today, the pastor spoke to us about James 3:1-12, where James talks about the tongue and its unruliness, how it speaks both life and death, blessing and curses.

I tend to be very blunt when I am speaking with God, and I have spent years giving HIm my mind about guys, particularly the ones who I fall for, pine after for weeks or months, then eventually get over, only to repeat the cycle again-- so has my past experiences been. In the course of these years I have let God and a select few know that there is no reason why I should be pining after young men who have not given me the time of day, or little more than that. I deserve to be pursued, noticed, cherished. I should be sought after and not looked over, paid attention to and not by passed. Why waste my time wanting someone who has no interest in me, who is obviously not worthy of me?

And who makes me worthy?

Wait, what?

Who makes me worthy to be pursued? Who says I am priceless, I am worth more than gold, I should be pursued, cherished, and taken care of? Jesus, the one who bought me with His stainless life. Yes. And so who speaks over me that I have worth, should be treated with respect, and calls me a child of God? Jesus. The One who died for me. And you. And all those guys who I pined after.

Now. Who says I should be noticed by them? Who says I have the “right” to be pined after by them? Who? Exactly. I am not saying, by God’s Grace and sacrifice, I do not deserve to be loved and cherished. But who said I deserve that from every guy I blink at? Mhh… exactly. Does it hurt. Yeah. Is it horribly disappointing. Yep. Is that their problem? No.

I am not saying that guys cannot be disrespectful or dishonest. However I am saying that all men are created in the image of God, and those who are believers are His sons, who, by His blood, deserve to be treated with respect-- and that includes being spoken over with respect, truth, love.

At the end of the service, the pastor asked us a take a minute to ask God if there was something we needed to ask His forgiveness for concerning our tongues and how we have spoken over others. The last thing I expected to hear what, “You have spoken falsely over my sons whom you have had feelings for.” O-oh. These men have not toyed with my heart. They have not made and broken promises. They simply have not reciprocated feelings. They have chosen other young women over myself. They have hurt my pride, or rather, I have allowed their actions to result in feelings of humiliation. And… they are children of God, same as me. They are created in His image, same as me. And most of them know nothing of my heart and how it has felt and for whom.

I have been told that if a girl wants to get over a guy, she needs to think about all the negative things about them. My problem with doing this is when I think about the negative aspects of a person, I end up hating them. And I end up doing so for everyone around me; I can’t just stop at one or a few. And plus, I don’t want a guy thinking of all of my negative aspects to get over me. I want him to place me in Jesus’s hands and surrender His feelings to the one who loves him more than I ever could. I want him to pray that I am rooted deeply in Christ’s love and that I pursue Him above anything or anyone else.

The truth is I am not being pursued, noticed, loved in a romantic sense. Not as far as I know. That is a fact, and I have not died from it yet ;) Is that okay? Can I go on knowing that Christ has called me to revel in His love and His alone, to cast my cares on Him, even those matters of the heart? Yes, I believe so. Because what we consider to be trivial, He considers to be of significant value. He loves for us to share our hearts with Him, confess our sins, and rest in His Grace and understanding.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul,

   and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

   my salvation”

Psalm 42:5

Forever Alone?

Forever alone. This is a phrase that is jokingly/sarcastically/seriously used by single women of various ages. We look at our past and see just how pathetic or non-existent our dating life has been and we think that is all we will ever have. Nothing is as pathetic as that mindset.

I am that young woman. I write about this it seems at least once a month, and I will most likely continue to write about it until I feel led to write about something else. It still hurts but it doesn’t bother me like it used to; like Paramore said, “It’s not that I don’t feel the pain it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore” (“Last Hope”). We have so many dreams and plans and the older I get the more I realize nothing looks the way I imagined. Not one thing.

The only guy who has ever pursued me was a friend’s boyfriend who made his feelings known while they were dating. And I was desperate, and have continued to be since then for most of my life. I have had very short periods of contentment-- I mean like, 5 day periods at a time. I don’t know that, before recently, I had ever lasted a week before I started crushing on yet another guy. I was addicted to those emotions, and I still find myself tempted to go back to them, even though I am no longer stuck in that cycle (praise JESUS). I wanted to at least feel the very bits of what loving someone could be like, even if it always ended in pining after a guy who did not give me a second thought. I was desperate.

Sometimes I still am. Sometimes I reach up and ask God to hold me at night. Sometimes I still hear love songs and want to throw glass at a wall… or scream. Sometimes I still see couples and I have to hurry away because tears are beginning to gather. And that’s okay. I am weak in that area, very much so. And that’s beautiful because “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). In that area where I am pathetically without the coping skills all my female peers seem to have, that is one of the areas in my life in which God most strongly comes through.

He is teaching me to see myself as beautiful. Do you understand what a big deal that is? Do you understand the blessing of being able to walk past a mirror and genuinely like what you see? I’m learning to not allow myself to not like what I see, because the Creator of the universe created me… so I must be beautiful. Do you know what it’s like to genuinely be happy for someone who has something you do not. For those of you who don’t get jealous easily, don’t take that for granted! I practically want to scream for joy now-a-days when I am able to rejoice for friends who are taking new steps in their relationships with specific young men in their life. Seriously, don’t take the ability to do that for granted. Do you know what its like to constantly be aware of Jesus by your side? I am learning how to; do you know why? Because I want Him consistently by my side. By God’s Grace I have come to realize that no man can be there for me and be all that I need 24/7! (and, honestly, I wouldn’t want any human being to be there for me 24/7… it sounds nice, but the older I get the more I realize how much I enjoy personal space…) But Jesus: He’s able to just be here and not talk my ear off. I can go to him when I need help, and he ALWAYS helps. Not necessarily in the way I would want Him to, but He does so the best way possible, always for my good.

I have been so embarrassed about this side of me, this part that was desperate for a guy. Not that I am proud that I have been so needy for most of my young adult life. But I am proud of the One who has met me in my need every time-- even in moments when I would straight up tell Him, “I don’t want you, I want a man.” At these times and many others, Jesus would reach out and say, “I’m here. Tell me how you feel. Walk with me. Cry to me. Repeat to me over and over how much this hurts. You may get tired of saying it but I will never get tired of your vulnerability and honesty.”

So, forever alone, in the sense of marriage. Maybe. But that is okay, because I know someone who can fill that void better than any human ever could. And if I don’t end up “forever alone”, He will still be the one whom my soul cries out for with more passion and longing than it could ever for anyone else.

"Great Is Your Faithfulness"

A friend of mine texted me to let me know that my prayers had been answered… for a family member of hers. Last week she had asked me to lift up some things to God and I have been for the past week. I don’t recall specifically what or how I prayed, but obviously God both heard and answered them. She sent me this long text about what He had been doing for them and it was quite an extensive list. And in my selfishness and bitterness I thought, “So You answer my prayers for others, but not for me.”

I have this desire to be honest with God, but even I knew that this thought was a bunch of crap. Sure, I can point out some areas that I have not yet seen God work in, areas that I have been praying about for YEARS, and the answers I have been looking for have yet to show their faces. My heart glances over all of the many ways that He has and still is coming through for me and focusses on the few unanswered, seemingly untouched areas of my life. How so like the heart; blind to all that is not as it would have things be. Well, as hurt and frustrated I am, and as much as I honestly want God to move in these areas, I refuse to be stuck on a situation that is not exactly as I would like it when I could be focussed on Jesus, the Faithful Lover of my soul.

The Holy Spirit led me to Lamentations 3. I use to read a few verses years ago, but I do not remember ever reading the whole chapter before. Well, I did today, and I encourage you, if you are feeling that God has screwed you over, I am here to tell You He has not. He is good. Read this passage and remember that it is titled “Great Is Your Faithfulness” for a very good reason.

Lamentations 3

English Standard Version (ESV)

Great Is Your Faithfulness

I am the man who has seen affliction

   under the rod of his wrath;

2 he has driven and brought me

   into darkness without any light;

3 surely against me he turns his hand

   again and again the whole day long.

4 He has made my flesh and my skin waste away;

   he has broken my bones;

5 he has besieged and enveloped me

   with bitterness and tribulation;

6 he has made me dwell in darkness

   like the dead of long ago.

7 He has walled me about so that I cannot escape;

   he has made my chains heavy;

8 though I call and cry for help,

   he shuts out my prayer;

9 he has blocked my ways with blocks of stones;

   he has made my paths crooked.

10 He is a bear lying in wait for me,

   a lion in hiding;

11 he turned aside my steps and tore me to pieces;

   he has made me desolate;

12 he bent his bow and set me

   as a target for his arrow.

13 He drove into my kidneys

   the arrows of his quiver;

14 I have become the laughingstock of all peoples,

   the object of their taunts all day long.

15 He has filled me with bitterness;

   he has sated me with wormwood.

16 He has made my teeth grind on gravel,

   and made me cower in ashes;

17 my soul is bereft of peace;

   I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;

18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;

   so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

   the wormwood and the gall!

20 My soul continually remembers it

   and is bowed down within me.

21 But this I call to mind,

   and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]

   his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

   great is your faithfulness.

24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

   “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

   to the soul who seeks him.

26 It is good that one should wait quietly

   for the salvation of the Lord.

27 It is good for a man that he bear

   the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence

   when it is laid on him;

29 let him put his mouth in the dust—

   there may yet be hope;

30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,

   and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not

   cast off forever,

32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion

   according to the abundance of his steadfast love;

33 for he does not afflict from his heart

   or grieve the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot

   all the prisoners of the earth,

35 to deny a man justice

   in the presence of the Most High,

36 to subvert a man in his lawsuit,

   the Lord does not approve.

37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,

   unless the Lord has commanded it?

38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High

   that good and bad come?

39 Why should a living man complain,

   a man, about the punishment of his sins?

40 Let us test and examine our ways,

   and return to the Lord!

41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands

   to God in heaven:

42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,

   and you have not forgiven.

43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,

   killing without pity;

44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud

   so that no prayer can pass through.

45 You have made us scum and garbage

   among the peoples.

46 “All our enemies

   open their mouths against us;

47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,

   devastation and destruction;

48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears

   because of the destruction of the daughter of my people.

49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,

   without respite,

50 until the Lord from heaven

   looks down and sees;

51 my eyes cause me grief

   at the fate of all the daughters of my city.

52 “I have been hunted like a bird

   by those who were my enemies without cause;

53 they flung me alive into the pit

   and cast stones on me;

54 water closed over my head;

   I said, ‘I am lost.’

55 “I called on your name, O Lord,

   from the depths of the pit;

56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close

   your ear to my cry for help!’

57 You came near when I called on you;

   you said, ‘Do not fear!’

58 “You have taken up my cause, O Lord;

   you have redeemed my life.

59 You have seen the wrong done to me, O Lord;

   judge my cause.

60 You have seen all their vengeance,

   all their plots against me.

61 “You have heard their taunts, O Lord,

   all their plots against me.

62 The lips and thoughts of my assailants

   are against me all the day long.

63 Behold their sitting and their rising;

   I am the object of their taunts.

64 “You will repay them,[c] O Lord,

   according to the work of their hands.

65 You will give them[d] dullness of heart;

   your curse will be[e] on them.

66 You will pursue them[f] in anger and destroy them

   from under your heavens, O Lord.”

SIngle, single, single, single, single, Jesus...

I write about this more often than not, but as long as I am in this place of life, than I will continue to write about what God is showing me.

Lately I have been doing better and better when it comes to guys and the lack of romantic relationships I have been in. I have been putting up appropriate walls, remember that God is my refuge and strength and speak truth over myself: He has a plan for me, he has the right man for me, he has for me to be pursued. This is my story, so this is what I speak. Other woman may feel led to pursue a guy or to date more than one guy; that is there story, written and understood fully by God alone. I don’t need to agree or explain it; that is not my place.

For myself, I am to find myself secure in the Lover of my soul and wait for Him to lead me to whoever He has for me. I do not want to date more than one young man; in saying that, any form of longing or jealousy must be removed. It does not good to stare at the donut and long for the donut, then walk away complaining about how you can’t have donuts because you’re watching what you eat but its not fair that you can’t eat that donut and everyone else gets to eat it and why should you have to wait when you work so hard to be fit and take care of your body while everyone else eats what they want when they want… Really? Isn’t best just to stop whining and complaining… either that or eat the thing? And so it makes sense to either date or stop complaining about that which I am sure I can have if I just put forth some effort into showing guys I was interested in being in a relationship. But I don’t; and try as I might to justify dating, I cannot bring myself to. I have learned not to judge others; I have even learned to accept that the guy I marry has dated other women. And it really is fine, except that when I am around certain people it is not any longer.

Everyone has their weak spot, a place,situation or person around which they find himself unusual thrown off. Today I recognized what this is for me, and I was mad. I was livid actually, and I could and would have removed myself from the situation except that I knew I should not; that would not have been honoring to God or good for me. So I stayed and cried out to God and asked for help and did my part in being an adult child who needed her Daddy badly.

When I was finally able to write things out and process, I saw a lot of anger and jealousy that I did not expect to be there. Although I have been made aware of my desire to be pursued, I thought that by my working out my decision to remain single for the time being had negated any negative emotion or longing for that which I do not have. Nay nay; instead I have found yet another hole I need my Father God to fill. And it pisses me off. What do I have to do to feel whole, to feel pursued. I know that in life we have struggles and shortcomings and places where we are weak and need to lean on God’s Grace. But what truth do I need to speak, prayer do I need to utter, Scripture do I need to read in order to break free from this longing that only makes me feel pathetic and worthless? What work does the Holy Spirit need to do in me in order for me to walk in the confidence that is to be found in His presence?

For anyone who is feeling how I have been for the past few hours, who have been or know they need to pursue God on yet another, deeper level, I encourage you to do so because that is the only answer I have for both of us. First, know you are not alone. SOmeone somewhere is or will be reading this and saying, “Yes; I hate to say it but this is me.” Well, you are now knowingly not alone. I love you, dear and you are loved, even though you may not know or see it. Jesus is the Lover of our souls and He created us to be filled by Him now, yesterday and tomorrow. So I encourage You to ask His Holy Spirit (even if for the billionth time) to fill the hole in You that longs for the attention your significant other will one day try to fill but will never do so fully. I know you have probably heard that love heals; this does not just pertain to that between two humans :)

Next I encourage you to boldly walk in the love that Christ has for us. I know it seems, feels or sounds weird, but just like you can see the confidence on the faces of those who are dating, engaged or married, we single people were created to walk in that same confidence in our Savior. I cannot stress how we are meant to be filled to the fullness with who He is. I know it may not be what you think you want; I just finished telling God I did not want promises when I did not have what He was promising. But dear, He is God-- He knows us better, more fully than any human being ever could, no matter how wonderful. And He deserves our attention, worship, and longing because of who He is. Run after Christ with me; pursue the love and filling of His Holy Spirit. Trust Him and His timing. He is good :)

“Trust in him at all times, O people;

   pour out your heart before him;

   God is a refuge for us. Selah”

Psalm 62:8 ESV